10 things that make you AWESOME!!

Well, okay, I'll admit right off the bat that I have no clue what makes you awesome. Well, maybe. Some of you, who I know personally, I could come up with a list. But the rest of you... I'm just going to assume. Because the fact is, we all have things that make us awesome, but we don't always claim it.

Why don't we claim it? Well, there are a lot of reasons, and I know for me, a lot of it goes back to childhood wounds where people mocked me for claiming my awesomeness. I was bullied and treated really badly by a lot of people, so it was easier to shrink and hide from the meanness that seemed to inevitably follow. But you know, the more we keep hiding our awesomeness, the more we let the bullies win. They drag us down, and keep us down, and if you think about it, they don't do it because we're not worthy of our awesomeness, but because they aren't. Our awesomeness threatens them, because they bought into the belief that if someone else is awesome, they can't be awesome too.

Which is a big, fat lie.

Here is the truth about being awesome. I am awesome. You are awesome. And your awesomeness in no way diminishes mine. My awesomeness does not diminish yours. In fact, if we both allow ourselves to be awesome together, in recognition of our mutual awesomeness, we make the world a better, more awesome place. We give all the people out there, hiding their awesomeness, permission to shine.

I did a great video on Periscope today, about the fear of putting yourself out there. Friends, I wish I could tell you that I am not afraid. But the truth is, I'm a big old chicken. Maybe that's why I love my chickens so much. I can totally relate to them. If you're not on Periscope, you should follow me and watch my scopes. Why? Because they're awesome! Anyway, in that video, I gave people a challenge to come up with ten things that make them awesome. I promised that I'd do it, too. Now, I did say I'd do it within the hour, but then I got inspired to do it as an art journal project with Princess, and I had to wait for the paint to dry, so it took a bit longer. But I am keeping my commitment to my viewers, to my friends, and to myself... the picture you see is the picture I made proclaiming my awesomeness to the world!

And, in case you can't read it, here is my list: Ten things that make me awesome!
1. I make mistakes, and that's okay! (I messed up the lettering in my art, and it's okay!)
2. I am a good mom.
3. I love chickens.
4. I like to help people.
5. I am a good writer.
6. I am creative.
7. I am a nature lover (as long as it's not in my house!).
8. I love to travel.
9. I like to learn new things.
10. I am resilient!

So here's my challenge for you. What makes you awesome? Make a list of your ten things. If you're not brave enough to share them all on my blog, share your favorite. Whether you admit it here or not, you are awesome. I don't know all the things that make you awesome, but I know they're there. So share! Let's be awesome together, and make the world a more awesome place!

Five Steps to Healing Writer Wounds

I had so much response to my post about writer wounds, and while I knew others had been wounded by other writers, I didn’t realize how much it hit home with people. I think it’s because we try so hard to do the right thing, and turn the other cheek, that we end up silently suffering for a long time.

Writer wounds are a different animal from a lot of the other wounds we face. There are a lot of reasons for that, but mostly I think it’s because as writers, we’re in this weird place of being in business, but in a way that makes us extremely personally vulnerable. 

After all, what is our writing, but our vulnerabilities out for the world to see?

Even though I’m listing out this process, recognize that it is a very personal journey, and these steps might be different for you. So don’t be discouraged if your process isn’t exactly like this. Part of why I am including this in my retreat is that it’s a bigger and deeper process than you can get out of a blog. More importantly, I believe that the unhealed wounds we carry around are part of what's holding us back in our writing success.

Step One: Acknowledge the Wound

Because we’re supposed to be professional, a lot of times, when we’re wounded as writers, we brush off the wound. The editor who just said, “your writing stinks,” is still your editor, and you’re going to have to work with that editor again. Or, the big-name author who stepped on you is still a big-name author and you’re going to have to interact with that person on an on-going basis. So, a lot of times, we push it down because we’re trying so hard to suck it up and move on. The trouble is, pushing it down never heals the wound, and eventually, the wound will come back up when we least expect it. The first step in healing the wound is to say, “this happened, and it hurt me.”

Step Two: Feel the Wound

Part of the pushing down process means that we never fully feel the pain of the wound. Maybe it’s because the wound happened at a time and place where having a good cry isn’t appropriate. But a lot of times, it’s because we’ve trained ourselves not to feel the pain. I’ve talked to a lot of counselors and coaches who all say that allowing yourself to feel the emotion is part of what helps you heal that emotion.

Step Three: Process the Wound

A lot of people stop at feeling the emotion. They feel it, and it hurts, and then they sit in the hurt. But you also have to take the time to process that emotion. Why did it hurt? What did that hurt remind you of? Is there an unexpected gift in that wound? A lesson that can help you grow? How can you care for yourself and love yourself in a way that is going to help that wound heal?

Step Four: Forgive the Person Who Wounded You

I have a daily forgiveness practice that I work through, and the thing I’ve learned about forgiveness is that it is never about the person who hurt you. It’s about softening your heart, and giving yourself the gift of letting go of the wound. One of the biggest misconceptions about forgiveness is that you can just say, “I forgive you, and move on.” Forgiveness is actually a process that takes time. You’re going to say, “I forgive you,” today, but tomorrow morning, you might wake up and still feel the pain. And you’re going to have to say, “I forgive you,” again. You may have to say that a whole lot of mornings before you actually feel the forgiveness. 

Forgiving the other person does not make what the person did to you right. 

In fact, you should forgive the person whether that person is sorry or not. Note that I did not make, “confronting the other person,” part of the process. There are a lot of reasons for that, but mostly because this process is more about you and your emotions. You can’t control the other person, or change them. The only person you have control over is you.

Step Five: Use the Wound for Good

I have a journey entry from when I was about 12 years old, and I was processing a hurtful situation. In it, I wrote what has become a driving force for my life. I decided back then, that I was going to use those painful places to help others- whether it be to help others out of a similar situation, or to prevent similar situations from happening. As writers, we also have a third way of using the wound for good. We get to use that pain, that situation, even that emotion, to inform our words as we write.
 

Being wounded happens to everyone- whether we like it or not. But in the end, we get to choose how we use those wounds. We can let those wounds fester inside us, crippling us, or turning us into mean grumpy people. Or we can heal those wounds, and use them in a positive way.

If you’re curious about my story about Matilda, and how it ended, here’s the result. Matilda and I haven’t spoken in about 3 or 4 years. I gave up after I couldn’t get past her assistant. I have never spoken to her about my hurt. And at this point, it doesn’t matter. If she called me up tomorrow, I would treat her like any other acquaintance who called me out of the blue. I’d be polite, but I also wouldn’t give her unguarded access to my heart. I had some good times with Matilda, but I choose to invest my energy into friendships that are more mutual. As much as what she did to me hurt, I’m grateful for the experience, because it opened my eyes to the kind of person I want to be as a writer. There are people in my life that I’ve asked to hold me accountable to that standard. And I’d like to think that as I become more successful, I’m going to be a person of integrity and love. Not perfect, of course, but hopefully my name won’t be synonymous with jerk. Plus, I’ve been able to use this story to help others, to know they are not alone in their pain.

So Matilda, even though I’m not using your real name, and I know you do not read my blog, thank you. What you did really hurt me. But I forgive you. It does not excuse your behavior, but I’m not holding on to it and letting it define me. In fact, I’m using it to help others heal. And while they don’t know who you are, they thank you, too. 

If you want to learn more about this healing process, I'd love for you to come to my retreat. We won't be spending the entire time at the retreat talking about this, but we will go more in depth than I did here on the blog. 

5 reasons why you (yes you!) need a retreat!

Part of my heart for hosting my own retreat is that as I talk to other writers about their writing and their writing lives, I keep hearing a common theme: they all need a retreat for one reason or another. I see so many people who need a break. Writers wear so many hats, and have the most overfilled, overloaded plates of everyone I know, and yet, we just keep piling it higher, or grabbing a bigger plate. What we're not doing is stopping to take a time out to assess what's really important to us. And I believe that taking the time for a retreat, and investing in yourself, is the best way to do that. So here are the top five reasons why you need a retreat:

1. You need a retreat if you are at, or close to, burnout.

Ha! That's not me! It's easy to be in denial, but the truth is, many of us are a lot closer to burnout than we think. Most writers are going at a breakneck pace. In the current writing environment, it seems like there are so many things changing, adapting, and requiring our constant attention. I am increasingly disheartened to see so many of my writer friends either walking away from their writing careers, struggling where they used to find ease, or living in a state of utter exhaustion. Taking the time for a retreat gives you the rest you need to restore those burned out places.

2. You need a retreat to take time for yourself.

One of the things I love about my writer friends is that they are such givers. I was just on the phone with one of my really good writing friends, and what I love about her is that she has the biggest heart of anyone I know. I have seen her in places where she is absolutely running on empty and she still finds room to give to anyone who asks her. However, when it comes to taking time for herself, she feels like she's being selfish. But here's the thing: if she does not take care of herself, she's going to end up so utterly depleted that she makes herself sick or worse. When you take time for yourself, you refill the well so there is something for you to keep giving. There is a reason the airlines tell you to put on your oxygen mask first!

3. You need a retreat to refill the creative well.

Taking care of your own personal well is just one of the wells that can run empty. The creative well is one of the other wells you have that needs to be replenished. Again, when you're constantly pouring out, you need the time and space to refill. Going away to a place and situation outside your normal world and routine gives you the opportunity to access new creative materials and stretch your brain so you have even more to draw from!

4. You need a retreat to give you the space to take care of yourself. 

Even though we set the intention of doing better to take care of ourselves, to refill the well, to do all the things we want to do with our creative practice, most of the time, we don't do it. Something always comes up. The afternoon you were going to go write, your kid decides to start throwing up. True story. Nothing makes vomit happen faster in my house than having plans to go write (or having a clean house, but that doesn't happen as often). But when you've made reservations, paid money, and are all set to go on a retreat, you don't have the choice but to go, unless you want to all that to go to waste. If you don't have specific plans and something at stake, it's easy to forgo taking care of yourself in favor of other seemingly pressing matters at home. A retreat gives you the structure to force you into doing what you need to do for you.

5. You need a retreat because you don't need another writer's conference.

Let me be clear and say that I am not against writer's conferences. I've been to dozens of writing conferences, and I've gotten so much out of them. I absolutely love writer's conferences, and there are so many that are really good. I am very much in favor of writer's conferences. However. I believe that most writers already know what they need to know to be a good writer. I'm not saying we don't need to improve, because I think everyone has room to grow. Sometimes, though, what we need more than learning HOW to write is that we need to learn to BELIEVE in our abilities as writers. To care for the parts of us that will sustain us through our writing careers. We need time and space to process the things we've learned at writer's conferences. But if you're anything like me, you get home directly from a conference and have to dive right in to family life- without processing what you just learned at the conference. A retreat gives you the time and space you need to process what you've learned at a writer's conference, from a writing book, or any other thing you've done to improve your writing.

Ultimately, though, you need a retreat because you need to invest in you. Writers, you need to know that who you are and what you are doing when you put words on the page is valuable. 

Obviously, I'm biased in favor of people signing up for my retreat. Mostly because I have a lot of cool stuff planned that I believe will help us all avoid burnout, and give us the care we need to move forward in what I know is complete and total awesomeness. But you know, even if you just make a plan to get away on a little retreat of your own, you're still going to get a great benefit.  Don't put off taking time for yourself. You deserve to have the time and space you need to take care of yourself.

Sign up for the retreat before 9/4/15 to get the special Early Bird Pricing!

Following my dreams and bringing you closer to your goals!

The dream house is pretty big, but I'm up to something even bigger! You see, I've always had a lot of big dreams in life, not just for me, but because I've always wanted to help people. I can remember writing in my journal at age 13 about a tough situation I was going through and saying, "I don't know why I'm going through this, except that maybe it will give me the strength to help others so they don't have to." And that's been a theme running through my life.

My dream home in the mountains isn't just about me wanting to live in the mountains. The truth is, I have ulterior motives. Once upon a time, a long time ago, I thought it would be cool to have my very own retreat center, where I would host retreats and teach people about a variety of things. I'd also have guest teachers and other fun things to give people rest and rejuvenation. I remember one time, calling my pastor and leaving this super long message about how I wanted to help with retreats at the church and all these great plans I had. He never called me back, and I never got the opportunity to help with church retreats. At the time, I figured I must not be ready for such a big challenge.

Time went on, and the dream never left me. I even fell in love with a number of retreat centers for sale. Of course, at a million dollars, hubby was not eager to support the endeavor. :) I told my friend Camy Tang about my dream, and she said, "why don't you just start your own retreats at other places and when you build a successful track record, you can get a loan to build your own retreat center?" I thought about it, but I never managed to get it together. But the desire never left me.

So what does this have to do with you and your dreams? I think, in a lot of ways, we all have the same things holding us back. I doubted myself in a lot of areas, and I used them as excuses to not move forward on something that had been calling me for a long time. Often, we look at the practical things, like with my house,  and see how it's virtually impossible, so we don't even try.

Which is why, as I am following so many of my other dreams, I've decided to take the big step in following this one as well. I have created a retreat for writers. I'm taking the advice I've received and starting small, but my goal is to grow so that eventually, tucked on my beautiful mountain property, there will be a place for other writers to come and find respite. But for now, we'll be hanging out at a hotel, and there, you will be able to find rest.

I specifically created this retreat based on my experiences at retreats, but also based on what we as writers need. I saw other writers struggling in their careers, and I understood that pain. It took me twelve years to get published, and it wasn't for lack of skill as a writer. I see so many perfectly talented writers who can't get ahead, and it's a shame, because their work deserves to be read by others.

So why, then, if talent isn't the issue, are so many people not succeeding as writers? It's like there's an invisible switch inside them that seems to be turned to the "off" position. I know, because I had that problem. And I also learned to re-set that switch. Which is what I want to help others do.

Honestly, I think we get caught up so much in the business of writing that we forget the joy of writing. We forget the love we have for the written word as we find ourselves torn between the artistic side of writing and the business side of writing. We are overwhelmed by the expectations, deadlines, pressures, goals, edits, and marketing. And what we need is space to play. To relax. To rejuvenate.

But here's the thing... we all say, "yes, that sounds good, and I totally need that." But we never make the time for it to happen. Instead, we promise ourselves we'll take better care of ourselves, and then we never do. I created this space so you can keep that promise to yourself. I created this space to keep my promises to myself.

The retreat is called Nourishing the Writer's Spirit, because your writer's spirit deserves to be nourished. It needs to be nourished. And as we nourish your spirit, you'll discover the dreams buried inside you, and find the strength to move forward on them.

I believe every writer needs to have the time and space to nourish themselves. Which is why I think every writer needs to come! If you're in a place where you feel depleted, or are struggling with where you're at in your writing career, you especially need to give yourself this gift.

You can find registration info here:
http://danicafavorite.com/retreat

I'd also really appreciate it if you shared information about the retreat with other writers you know. We spend so much time learning about craft and career, but we don't take the time to learn about something equally important- nourishing ourselves. I'm also happy to come to your group and talk about these topics.

Whatever your goal or dream with your writing is, I know you can do it! And I've love to help you get there.