Tired of Mean

I've grown weary of checking Facebook and Twitter. It seems like every other post is filled with something mean about someone else. Maybe it's a political party. Maybe it's an ideology. Maybe it's even a person. I used to have a friend I had coffee with on a regular basis, but I finally stopped going because I got tired of hearing how everyone who didn't agree with my friend is stupid. Occasionally, when I disagreed, I'd be told, "Oh, but YOU'RE not stupid. But everyone else who thinks that is." Um, okay. But why does the automatic response have to be to call the other person stupid?

The more I think about people who think differently, the more I realize that none of them are stupid. Sure, some of them may be ignorant of certain facts, others may have interpreted a situation differently. And maybe they just don't agree.

You know what I think is stupid? Being mean. Just because someone doesn't agree with you or hold a viewpoint you agree with doesn't make it okay to be mean to them. Maybe they have a perspective you haven't explored. Maybe their experience is different from yours. And sure, maybe you do take the time to see the other side. and you still disagree. But is there a way to politely agree to disagree? Without name-calling? Without having to be mean about it?

I unfollowed a few people today. I really debated about it, but then I thought, "why am I letting this person suck this energy out of me?"  I don't want to read things that do nothing but tear others down. I'm thinking about going on a social media diet through the election.

How are you handling the social media negativity out there?

Facing a Past Hurt

Several years ago, I had a situation with another woman that was very hurtful. When we came to her and her husband about the situation, they invited us to dinner to talk about it. The dinner was a disaster. Rather than being about resolving our differences, the couple used this as an opportunity to let us know everything we've done to hurt them, and everything good they've done for us. Their attitude was, "how dare you have anything against us when we've done all this for you and overlooked all of these faults?" In the end, we agreed to disagree, and nothing was ever resolved.

The experience scarred me deeply. As much as I tried getting beyond the hurt, I couldn't. I felt so much shame and condemnation from a couple that I'd once looked up to. I was afraid to engage with anyone who knew them because they'd put us so far in the wrong that I was afraid others would also look badly upon us. When this couple moved, I was relieved. But the hurt never went away.

Fast forward several years. Hubby ran into them at an activity our kids are doing together. And of course, they're on the same team. At our daughter's last game, the woman sat behind me. She arrived late, so I wasn't obligated to speak to her. I was relieved because the thought of even seeing her made me feel sick to my stomach. However, shortly after she arrived, I could hear her talking to her mother or mother in law. I was horrified to realize that she was talking about me.

They spent a great deal of time talking about me, and while I didn't hear all the details, I can tell you that it wasn't positive. I wished I had the courage to turn around and say, "since you're talking about me, why don't I join you?" But I'm not that brave, and I'm not sure it would have ended well. As I sat there, uncomfortable about being gossiped about in my presence, I realized something- she's hurting too.

The talk stopped as soon as I started cheering for my kiddo. Part of me hoped she realized her faux pas and was embarrassed to have been so indiscreet. Then I wondered if maybe the reason she acted the way she did was because she was embarrassed over how she'd treated me. And I thought, "I don't want her to be embarrassed further."

For the first time, I had compassion for the woman who'd treated me so badly. I still don't know what motivated her to hurt me. But I can't stop thinking about something I read a long time ago- "hurting people hurt people." Maybe I was the one to hurt her, causing her to respond in kind. Or maybe it was someone else, but I reminded her of that wound and made her lash out. Maybe it was a combination of both. I don't know. I'm not sure she knows either.

I'll admit that I'm probably not going to become her BFF. In fact, other than exchanging the same pleasantries I exchange with the other parents on the team, I probably won't talk to her. There's still a lot of healing in my heart that I need to do. But I'm finding it easier, knowing that she's suffering under the burden of our previous conflict, to let mine go. For me, taking the time to step back and try to imagine things from her eyes has helped in my healing.

Is there a wound from the past you're still healing from? How have you handled facing that person again?

Thank You Judy Blume

[caption id="attachment_4040" align="alignleft" width="150"] Yes, that is my actual childhood copy![/caption]

My little princess has had a hard time with reading, primarily because she has significant audio and visual processing issues. So in our house, with my stacks and stacks of books, a lot of our books sit... waiting. Today, though, we had an incredibly awesome moment. She asked me to help her finish reading one of her library books because she had a special book she wanted to check out. Of course I asked her which one it was, sure that it would be a princess something with lots of pictures, because that's pretty much all she reads.

"Oh, Mom, it's this great book. It's got this kid named Fudge in it and there's lots of books in the series. But the one I want is called Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. Have you ever heard of it?"

Have I ever heard of it?

"Come with me," I told her, and I took her downstairs to the magical bookcase, the place where I keep all of my books from my childhood, plus a few of the older books I like to collect.

As we went downstairs, she got more and more excited. "You have it? Oh, I just know you have it. You always have the coolest books. Do you have all of the books? Oh, I just know you do."

I didn't answer her questions, mostly because I wasn't sure which ones I had. I had saved a few of my childhood treasures, and our eldest daughter went through a "Fudge" phase, where she had to have all of the Fudge books, and I'd kept those. I hoped I had Tales, but I wasn't sure. When I was in my early teens, my mom thought that purging my book collection was a good idea, and she made me get rid of a bunch. I managed to salvage a few, and today, they still remain my treasures. My books got me through a lot when I was a kid, and I'd always hoped to pass on that love to my own children.

[caption id="attachment_4041" align="alignright" width="150"] She couldn't put it down![/caption]

When we got to my magical bookcase, I immediately spied the Fudge books. It took some digging but I finally found... yes, the book she was looking for. In that search, we also found a lot of other great books that I loved as a kid- a lot by Judy Blume. Books my daughter eagerly eyed and commented that she wanted to read because she'd heard they were good. She grabbed Tales off the shelf and immediately began reading. Even though she only got through a couple of pages, my struggling little reader read. And she was mad when I sent her to bed. I suspect that after I tucked her in, she turned on her lamp and kept reading.

People wonder why I keep all of my books. Tonight was one of those reasons. Having a struggling reader means that if she shows interest in anything, I want that book in her hands right away. Part of her processing issue means that if she's excited about it today, she may not be tomorrow, and I will have lost that chance. I love having books to share... with my friends, with my family, but mostly, with my girls.

Tonight also reminded me of a lot of the reason why I write. I was that kid- weird, smart, awkward, and sometimes bullied for it. Judy Blume and a lot of others wrote stories that made it okay to be who I was. My kids are weird. Cowgirl doesn't care that she's different. But my little princess, some days I ache for her because she struggles so much with being different. I write books for people to know that they're not alone. If you're weird or different or have issues, it's okay. You've got someone who understands, and I hope, in those moments when you read my work, you'll feel a little less like it's you against the world.

Thank you, Judy Blume. Thank you for writing the books that encouraged me as a kid. Thank you for writing books I can pass on to my daughter because she relates to them and can actually read them, despite her processing issues. I could fill several books thanking the authors whose work I am thankful for. But I won't. At least not today. Tonight, I want to honor the woman who has always had the courage to share with us, even today as she blogged about her recent battle with breast cancer. How interesting that I have this experience with my daughter the same day she blogged. I thought about writing this in the same way she wrote the first book of hers to catch my eye, Dear Mr. Henshaw, but then I thought it might be awkward if she saw it and actually played Mr. Henshaw and made me answer questions. So I have no questions for her today, just my gratitude.

How about you? Are there books from your childhood that you've passed on to your children?

Squeezing the last bits out of the summer

It's such a gorgeous day today that I couldn't resist working on the deck, or as I call it, my outdoor office. Now that we're headed into fall and cooler weather, I'm determined to suck the last bit of sunshine before the cold hits. I often joke that I'm solar powered, so I need to charge up my batteries.

How are you spending your last bit of summer?

One more political rant- privacy violations

I already semi ranted about this on Facebook and Twitter. But I'm going to go off a little longer... I am REALLY frustrated that the political campaigns feel the need to constantly violate my privacy.

I started realizing it with the political popup ads. I have a popup blocker and I constantly have to temporarily disable it to do my banking. But... when I am surfing the web, minding my own business, I get political pop up ads.

Here's what bothers me about this. I honestly think that popup ads, especially ones that are this aggressive, are serious violations of privacy. I've purposely set my computer to not receive them, and yet they still appear. I'm tired of the tracking cookies that watch the sites I visit, and when I visit political sites because I want to research the candidates so I can vote based on education, I find that future sites I visit have ads for the political party I was most recently researching.  I'm sorry, but I do not trust a candidate who is willing to SPY on my internet activity to have my best interests at heart. Someone who is willing to disregard my decision to not have popups on my computer does not care about me or my family.

Now, for those of you who want to say, "but my political party or candidate isn't doing that," let me tell you that you are probably wrong, unless you are for a third party. Both Democrats and Republicans, as well as their supporting PACs and special interest groups, are doing this. In addition to the Internet ads, I am bombarded with phone calls. We get at least 5 political calls a day, and we're on the "Do not call" list. Apparently, it doesn't apply to political calls, and I think that's wrong. If I don't want people invading my space with their calls, I should have the right to say no. I should also mention the political candidates who ring my doorbell and wake me up from my nap to ask for my vote. Since you aren't capable of reading my "No Soliciting" sign, I'm not sure I trust you to be capable of reading the information necessary to properly represent my interests. And yes, I consider the candidate who left flyers on my door (right next to the "No Soliciting" sign) also violating my privacy. How can you "care about the environment" when you just wasted paper and ink on those glossy full color brochures that are going directly to my round file?

I understand the candidates are trying to get the word out. But honestly? When you invade my world with things I have specifically asked not to have (popups, tracking cookies, phone calls, visits to my house), you aren't getting the word out. You're pissing me off. Last presidential election, I commented that I was voting for the person who called me the least. This year, I'm voting for whoever violates my trust the least. Right now, the third parties are in the lead. It really is too bad that Ralph Nader isn't running this year, because he probably would have gotten my vote.

Candidates, if you want to restore whatever it is your campaign slogan says you're doing for America, start with restoring respectful treatment of the people you're supposed to be representing. Don't let your advertising and efforts to get elected cross the line into areas where people have asked you not to go. This year, I will not vote for it.

I'm back!!!

 

Part of me feels compelled to add the bad version of beotches, because I remember seeing it in a movie and it was funny. Plus, to be perfectly honest, I've been in a mood that can only be described as a cross between hysterical, foul, and vainly trying to keep my chin up.

Here's the lowdown...

I've been having some trouble with my laptop, which is my primary computer. A few weeks ago, it got worse, and the main issue was with the screen. On a laptop, this is a big problem. It kept getting worse, until I was finally forced to accept that I needed to buy a new laptop. After lots of research, crowd-sourcing, and finally biting the bullet, I am now working on my new laptop. It is a HUGE adjustment, and for someone who doesn't like change, it hasn't been a lot of fun. However, I'm working really hard at trying to stay positive, so here's my list of ups and downs:

DOWNS:

• I had to transfer all of my files over. Just my documents and images took over 24 hours. I could not use my computer during this time.


• Because it didn't transfer my email, I had to do that separately. Which took another 10 hours, then failed, then we tried again, which took another 6 hours. Yes, I have a lot of email. A lot of it is stuff I have to keep for work.


• I also had to transfer my web stuff separately. Fortunately, this only took ten minutes. :)


• All of my programs have to be re-loaded separately. I am still working on this. It's been a pain. I have to find old passwords, old logins, keycodes from purchases, etc. I know they say not to do this, but I am seriously considering putting together a notebook with all of this information in one place. If some dummy wants to rob my house and steal a notebook with all of my passwords in one place, they can have at it. It's not like they'll get anything great. Just my peace of mind, and I think I lost that a while ago. ;)


• Learning a new keyboard, new keystrokes, and a new touchpad. I don't use a mouse. Number one, because I typically do use my laptop on my lap on the couch, and it's not conducive to using a mouse. Number two, I tend to get tendonitis in my mouse arm, and using a mouse makes it really bad. The point of all of this is to say that I keep messing up sooo much using this new touchpad, and I have to re-do almost everything I start. Like this post. Dagnabbit.


• I really hated spending the money. Really. Really. Really.

UPS:

• I really am grateful for a new computer. It's new and nice and pretty.


• I am VERY grateful that I had the money set aside to buy a new computer. And I'm grateful we could afford it. Even though I'd have liked NOT to have spent the money, I'm really grateful we had it.


• My new computer is a lot faster than my old computer. It's been nice to have my usual large number of windows open without this thing getting bogged down.


• My new computer is also a lot lighter than my old computer. Another plus.


• So far, everything seems to be in perfect working order, and I'm really enjoying that. My old computer ran hot, and so far, this one doesn't, and I love that.

I'm thinking that in a month, I'll be on the other side of the learning curve and much happier. I don't like change, but I'm trying to embrace it as best as I can. How do you handle change? Any tips for making computer change easier?

Time to get political... and think!

I'm fairly intentional about not getting political in public. I've got too many online friends on both sides who tend to make jerks of themselves and alienate the other side with their political comments. If you're looking to read that Obama is the antichrist or that Romney will end democracy as we know it, you should probably find some other blog to read. I don't think people on either side are stupid. In fact, I'm getting tired of educated adults calling people names because they happen to think differently than others. I wish I'd thought to make copies of the different infographics going around. I'm amazed at how many of the Republican ones look almost exactly like the Democrat ones, and how they've both used the same distorted figures to prove opposite things.

A lot of my friends are saying that this election, they are voting for the lesser of two evils. I graduated with a degree in Political Science, so I totally understand this. I've always heard the philosophy that a vote for a third party is a wasted vote, because no third party will ever get elected. But I'm starting to question if that's really true. If so many people are merely voting for the lesser of two evils, what if we voted based on who we really want in office, regardless of political affiliation? Right now, this is just a question of "what if." I actually don't know if it would change things or not. But I've heard so many people argue that voting for a third party takes away from what could have been a win for the primary candidates, so why couldn't that logic work in reverse? Could enough people not vote for the two main parties that the rest of the population takes someone else seriously?

I don't know. I'm honestly just tossing ideas out there right now. But I'm tired of not feeling like I have a choice and not voting my true conscience. Before I vote, I'm going to take some time to do some serious thinking. I have great respect for all of my friends on all sides of the debate, and as I continue my own research into my decision, I hope everyone can continue in that respectful discussion.

So I've been researching... examining the candidates, and doing my homework. I found a quiz that I thought was very informative, so I thought I'd share.

http://www.isidewith.com/presidential-election-quiz?from=46400048

 

The dog days of summer

I'm working on some more thoughtful posts, but right now, all I can think about is how much I miss my dog. He's at the groomer's today, getting a much needed shave. It's weird not having him next to me. He spends his days right by my side and I'm sure he inspires me to get more work done. It's also getting harder, because a little voice inside me reminds me that he's 12 now, which is old for a dog, and I wonder how I'll handle the days when he's gone for good. And then I try not to think about it. :)

So since I'm missing my dog, here's a picture from a couple weeks ago, when my good friend Cheryl Wyatt stopped by with her family on their way home from Yellowstone. The three little ones are her dogs, the big  black one is mine. Okay, he's not that big, but compared to her dogs, he's a giant.

 

Sending your kid off on the next adventure

[caption id="attachment_4018" align="alignleft" width="300"] Daddy and his girls on the night his biggest one is leaving.[/caption]

Our eldest daughter just left for boot camp. A lot of people keep asking us, "are you upset?" or "are you worried?"  My honest answer is, "no. We're excited for her."

Sure, I understand that she's going in to the Army, and yes, that means she'll be around guns, and potentially going in to conflict. But I'm a firm believer in kids needing to get out of the nest and away from friends and family to see the bigger picture of life outside of what is known. She's also following something she's passionate about. She's a very talented photographer, and was able to get a job doing photography for the Army. Since graduating high school, she's been a little adrift, trying to figure out how to make photography work, but not being excited about the options. She's finally excited about this option. It's a cool opportunity. One of the guys she talked to who has the job she'll be doing told her that over the past six years, he's visited every continent except Antarctica.

So am I worried? A little. But that danger exists out there for everyone, not just our daughter. Watching her grow up, I've learned that I can't protect her from every danger, and she's going to make her own choices. The one thing that got me through it has been praying for her. I am firmly convinced that prayer has made all the difference. So I'm going to keep praying, and let the rest take care of itself.

I hope you'll join me in praying for our kiddo. She's pretty amazing, and we're excited and proud of her new journey.

Okay, fine, I admit it...

I'm sick. I have a weird summer cold that has me doing nothing but sleep or want to sleep. I had grand plans for my blog this week, and lots to talk about, but I have the attention span of... hmm... is there even a comparison? People like to say gnat, but honestly, the gnats around my house have a very looooong attention span, because they won't leave me alone. Me, on the other hand... I don't remember where I was going with this.

Right. My blog. Now that all the chaos I wanted to blog about has died down, is there even a point in blogging about it?

So instead of some more weirdness that has you wondering just how much cold medication I'm on, how about I leave you with a pretty, shiny picture from my summer adventures? I am exceedingly proud of this picture. I can't believe I managed to capture a butterfly sitting on a flower with my cheapo camera? Well, it wasn't that cheap, since cameras these days are kinda expensive, but it certainly wasn't a fancy model. So be sure to say something nice about my picture to make me feel good.

OH!!! I know, I have the attention span of a butterfly! Because butterflies don't stick around in one place for long, do they? I can't remember. Hopefully, I'll be back to my old self soon. In the meantime, anyone have any good get well tips for a summer cold that has you exhausted all the time?

 

Embracing different talents

The thing I love most about my little girls is that they've taught me to appreciate different talents far more than I ever could have imagined. Growing up, I was always the one who was different, and didn't fit in with any of my family. I always wished I could be more like them, more of what they wanted me to be, and yet, I was just... me.

So when I was blessed with two little girls who were like me in some ways, but really different in others, I decided to embrace them. I love them for their differences and their different talents.



This is my princess.  She has two main goals in life: 1. To be a varsity cheerleader, and 2. To be a singer on stage. In this picture, she's living her dream because the part you don't see are the varsity cheerleaders around her doing their routine. Her dance instructor is a cheer coach at one of the local high schools, so my little one gets to meet lots of cheerleaders. You also don't see that she is on a stage, and after her routine, she was up there, dancing and singing.  She is learning to play the piano, and even though she'd much rather sing, we're hoping that this will teach her the notes and the discipline needed to be everything she wants.

I never signed up to be the mother of a singing cheerleader. My friends and I groan at the thought of being cheer moms, but we never do it in a way that discourages our girls' dreams. And who knows, maybe one day, she'll have a hit like "Call Me Maybe," her favorite song, and my friends and I can laugh about these days while sitting on the beach, drinking Mojitos.

 



This is my cowgirl. She's the one standing on the horse and waving. Her dream involves breeding and training horses. We spend 2-3 days a week at the arena, where she takes care of horses, rides, and hangs out with her horse buddies. I never thought I'd say this, but hopefully someday, we'll have a place where we can own our own horses so she can spend every day living her dream.

If you know me, you know that I'm not terribly fond of horses. Scratch that. I like horses just fine. But they stink, they poop, and I'm allergic to both them and hay. So to have a horse-loving daughter is a pretty interesting experience. I could let hubby take her to her rides every week, or like many parents there, drop her off with a kiss, and go about my business. But let me let you in on a little secret. There is something magical about watching my daughter ride. I come home every Saturday exhausted and barely able to breathe. But the big grin on her face makes it worth it.

I think about how I have such different little girls, and how much joy they bring to my life. Sure, there are a million other things I could be doing besides listening to my little one play "Fuzzy Wuzzy" a thousand times a day. (I wish that were an exaggeration.) I'd love to attend more local writer's groups that meet on Saturdays when my daughter rides.

But one day, they will be gone... hopefully one will be touring the world like the diva she is, and the other will be on top of a mountain somewhere, riding her horse. Or maybe these are just phases my kids will have outgrown, and they'll be doing other things. Either way, I hope I've given them the tools they need to succeed. I hope I've communicated to them that it's okay to be different, and that I embrace who they are. Even the smelly parts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MOVING!!

To my new website!!

I have to admit, I forgot to post here that I'm finally on my new website. Silly me!!

So join me here:
http://www.danicafavorite.com/journal/

It's all in the interpretation

We had a crime spree over the weekend. Someone decided it would be a nice gesture to go around the neighborhood, moving people's front lawns. Crime spree, you ask? Well, that's what I wondered. Personally, I was glad that someone besides me noticed that it was high time our lawn got mowed. I was beginning to fear for the neighborhood children. Because of my allergies, I have to wait for hubby to mow the lawn. So having someone else do it for us- bliss!

Unfortunately, our neighbors did not agree. I actually thought they might have been behind the drive-by mowing, since their yard is always pretty neat, and ours goes way too long behind mowings. But when they mentioned it to us, they were less than pleased. To be fair, they had just gotten their lawn fertilized, and you have to wait several days before mowing it. Well, our friendly neighborhood mower didn't know that, so they mowed it too soon.

What surprises me the most about our neighbor's reaction is that they're so angry about the surprise mowing that they aren't willing to acknowledge that whoever did it was at least attempting to make a kind gesture. The neighbor is certain that the person who mowed their lawn must've been staking them out, waiting for them to leave, and maybe the mowing was just an excuse to case their house to rob it. I tried telling the lady that our lawn (which was mowed either right before our right after) was mowed WITH US HOME. Yes, we were home when our lawn was mowed by a mysterious figure. We were so wiped out after our daughter's ride that we were all napping on the couch and missed all the excitement. Oh, how could we!!

Maybe I'm naive for thinking that someone mowing the lawns of a few random houses in a neighborhood is nothing more than a random act of kindness. My initial thought that it was a not-so-subtle hint that we're in the suburbs, not the jungle.  But in my mind, I picture a person who saw that there were a couple of lawns that needed some TLC, and was tickled to be able to do something nice without anyone knowing or expecting something in return.

So was this a random act of kindness, or some kind of evil horror brought about by a villain determined to destroy us all?

However, this got me to thinking. How many times do we do something we think is a very kind thing that someone else interprets as being terrible? Does a bad result (ie: messing up someone's fertilizer) negate the kindness behind the action? Do these negative reactions keep people from being kind? I admit, that as I've been thinking about doing more random acts of kindness, which I believe should be done in secret, that I'm really thinking more about how my actions will be interpreted. Will what I intend as kindness end up being a burden for the other person?

What about you? Have you ever had a random act of kindness go horribly wrong?

(OH... And if you happened to be the one to mow my lawn, THANK YOU!!! If you're interested in coming back, my back yard is about three times the size of my front. AND, we really need some edging done. :)  )

The posts I'm afraid to write...

I've been having a quiet spiritual crisis over the past few weeks. Not in a bad way, or even in a way that has me questioning my faith. I've talked to a few friends about it, and I've been praying about it. But today, in church, after listening to the pastor preach about being obedient to God's call, I realized that it's time to share what I've been thinking about.

There's a lot going on in my head, and in my heart, about faith these days, and things I want to say. Things I'm afraid to say to anyone except my closest friends. I know that if I say it publicly, some people will be happy about my words, but a lot of others will be mad. I've faced enough rejection in my life that I don't want to say a bunch of stuff that'll make people mad. Which is a safe way to live, I guess, but it's not very honest.

The truth is, I'm angry. And I'm hurt. And I'm caught in this place of trying to reconcile a faith and a God that I love with a bunch of people who act like jerks in God's name. I don't think they mean to be jerks. I think that they think, in their own way, that they're doing what God wants them to do.

So I'm going to be more honest... and I'm going to talk about the real things going on in my heart that I've been afraid to share. I'm sorry if it pisses anyone off. But if I want to live more like Jesus, then I can't be afraid of upsetting people. If he'd given in to that fear, would we be here today?

In the spirit of sharing the things I'm afraid to share, here's the thought that's keeping me up tonight: Today, some nutcase shot up a Sikh temple. Not one of my friends, Christian or not, has posted any sympathies or anything to indicate that they care. One person did post a scathing comment blaming it on intolerant Christians- but that's it. (And I find the intolerance comment offensive, BTW. Not only has it not been said that whoever did it was a Christian, but let's not use one person's actions as an excuse to attack an entire religion. That's what causes hate crimes to begin with.) When Aurora shooting tragedy happened a couple weeks ago, my Facebook was filled with posts from all sorts of people upset over the tragedy. Why aren't we all more upset over this shooting?

Today, families lost people they dearly love. There is a community of people devastated by a horrible crime. I really don't care that they aren't Christians. They are human beings, and God loves them just as much as He loves us. I've never been one of those people who goes out and tries to comfort shooting victims. I'm not really good at that. But right now, I'm so angry that we're not more angry about yet another shooting, that if I lived in their community, I'd be bringing them meals or whatever you do in these situations. I am a Christian woman, and I love that Sikh community just as much as I love anyone else. God loves them too.

Compassion isn't just about loving people who are like us, but it's about daring to reach out to those who are different, and accepting them anyway.  I have yet to find any information about donations to help those affected by this tragedy, but I personally plan on doing what I can to help. I hope you will consider doing the same.

 

Because I can!!

I'm at the airport waiting for my flight... I read my flight time wrong so I arranged to be here earlier than I'd originally planned. Which is fine by me. Better to be early than late. Since I got up so ridiculously early and ate breakfast early, I was starving by 10:35. In case you were wondering, breakfast cut off at the airport is 10:30. So I had to have lunch.

You know what the great thing about traveling without your kids is? I can eat whatever I want. So I had shrimp stir fry with steamed veggies (kudos to Panda Express for letting people have steamed veggies instead of rice). Here's the great part: I didn't have to share my shrimp with my kids, and I didn't have to eat the carrots.

I hate cooked carrots. I mean, I really hate them. If someone makes them for me, I'll eat them to be polite, and I put them in stews and with roasts because they give the juice a better flavor. But the carrots themselves? ICK! However, to be a good example to my kids, I always eat a few. Oddly enough, I love raw carrots, so go figure.

So today, in my joyous celebration of getting away, I did not eat the carrots in the stir fry. Is it weird that I feel incredibly joyful at not eating the carrots?

I think that sometimes we do stuff like eat the carrots because we know they're good for us, and everyone expects us to do it, but really, we hate carrots. Now, I'm a big believer in pushing through and doing something you don't want to anyway because it's the right thing to do. But every once and a while, it's also great to be able to take a step back and do what you want to do because you can!

So today, I proclaim it to be "don't eat your carrots if you don't want to" day! What's something that you do and don't want to do and can take a small break from?

Facing today's tragedy

I woke up thinking it was a morning like any other, but as soon as I turned on the computer, I knew it wasn't. Friends and family who know I'm in Denver wanted to make sure I was okay. I am. And thankfully, everyone I know and love is too. But there are so many families who aren't. My heart hurt so badly that everything else inside me felt numb.

My plan for the day originally was to meet my peeps at the Tattered Cover for our Friday write-out. But, since I have so much to get done before RWA, I was going to actually work on job-related stuff. My brain couldn't put together the information I needed for work, but I also knew that I shouldn't stay home alone in my bubble where I'd be too tempted to watch news that would only break my heart more.

I went to the Tattered Cover and met my friends, Michele and Robbie, two amazing women. If you don't follow them or read their blogs, you should, because their blessings in my life are what inspire me to try to bless others.

When I got there, Robbie looked at me and said, "You okay?" I knew what she meant, what she was really asking. Usually the three of us have a million words for each other, but all I said was, "Yup. You?" Robbie replied with her own yes, and then I looked at Michele. "You?" "Yes."  We each started to share a thought, but none of us could complete it. Robbie finally said something about how, when she needs a pick me up, she listens to a particular song by Chris Brown. I don't remember what it was called, but Robbie pulled it up on her computer, gave me an earbud, we listened. As Robbie bopped up and down in her seat, I felt this strange disconnect of listening to club music in a bookstore to deal with tragedy.

"Why aren't your feet tapping," Robbie asked me in a bossy but loving voice.

"I'm not really a feet tapping kind of person."

Both Robbie and Michele ribbed me a little for not tapping my feet, so I tried it. It wasn't bad. I might tap my feet a little more often.

The picture I remember from today is not of the shooter, or even of the victims. It is of my friend Robbie, who jiggled and did her best dance moves while sitting in her seat... I wish I had a video of it, because even though I'm sure Robbie wouldn't think it a flattering picture of herself, for me, it was the most beautiful expression of joy I've ever seen. Her blog is called Joy Dance, and if you could have seen her dancing in her seat in front of her laptop with an earbud in her ear, you would understand why.

All too soon, she took my earbud, and because Michele had a deadline, we all got to work. There is something about the communal clacking of keys that pushes a person to write harder, writer faster. Instead of the job, I worked on my book. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. It probably wasn't very good, but I don't care. When I took a break to refill my tea, all I could think about was the shooting and how so many dreams were shattered. What would they have given for one more day, one more chance? I wasn't going to dishonor them by wasting a moment not pursuing mine.

I don't have any answers about the tragedy. I have no idea why it happened or what greater purpose or meaning might be in all of this. But I do know how precious and fragile a person's dreams are, and that in a moment, they can be taken away. Each moment is precious. I am so honored to have two incredible friends who were exactly what I needed. We had no words for today, but together we pressed forward in the direction of our dreams.

Conference Preparation

Are you going to a writer's conference? I attend 2-3 per year, and I'm leaving for the Romance Writers of America conference on Monday. Which has me in a conference flurry making sure I have everything ready to go. When I was a conference newbie (and still sometimes today), I always worried about what I needed to do to prepare for the conference. Since I'm actively getting ready for one now, I thought I'd share my conference preparation checklist.

Things to pack:

• Clothes... do not forget accompaniments like socks and underwear. This seems obvious, but I did forget to pack underwear once.


• Fancy clothes. Does the conference have any fancy dress events? I'm going to two this year. Again, speaking from experience, make sure you try on said fancy clothes and accompaniments before packing. Your prom dress from 20 years ago probably no longer fits.


• Shoes. I am not a shoe person, but I typically bring 4-5 pair. Dress shoes, casual shoes, fancy shoes, and a very comfy spare in case the cute shoes you had to have turn out to be blister makers.


• Toiletries and makeup. I keep a toiletry bag permanently packed since I travel so much. BUT... on my last trip, I realized (too late!) that the bottles I refill were not refilled. So make sure you refill yours. I just bought a bunch of new ones for 99 cents each at Target.


• Vitamins and medications. Especially if you are on a medication, make sure you pack extra. As for vitamins, if you occasionally take anything for extra energy, bring it! You'll need it. Trust me. :)


• Cords for all electronic devices. Why they can't make one standard cord to fit all, I don't know. But check and double check that you've got a way to charge everything. My friend Camy also brings a power strip. I haven't gone that far, though I admit to borrowing hers.


• Snacky stuff. Some conferences have scheduled meals as part of the conference, others have meals on your own. I've suffered through enough plates of  "what the heck is this" to know that I will not be well-fed. Plus, I tend to be too busy to actually sit down for most meals. Since a girl still needs to eat, I bring snacks. This year I have protein bars, individual serving packs of almonds, and some protein powder (hopefully I can find something to put it in). This is also handy for the plane.


• Jewelry. I'm not a jewelry person, but I've known a number of people over the years who freak out over forgetting theirs, so I'm adding it to the list.


• Pajamas. Partially because at this conference, our team is hosting a PJ party, but also because I've had the horrifying moment of having a roommate say, "uh, I forgot my pajamas."


• Comfy clothes/exercise clothes. Okay, so I only end up using my exercise clothes on about 25% of my trips. But it's actually kind of weird how bonding of an experience it is to work out with your fellow conference goers. As for comfy clothes, there will be times when you want to go relax and not be in business wear.


• Bathing suit. Maybe you're not a hot tub/swimming pool person. But I really love to go sit by the pool for a couple of hours to chill. And sometimes, it's so nice to relax in the hot tub after a long day. Other times, I'm too busy to enjoy it.


• Copies of all your travel information. Companies lose reservations. But if you have a printout to show them, then they can figure it out much easier than trying to read your scribbled confirmation number.


• Knitting supplies. I like to knit. If I don't get to knit on the plane, I get cranky. I also find that knitting helps me concentrate in meetings. So there is nothing worse than finishing a project on a trip with no backup. Even if it's just an extra skein of yarn to start a scarf, at least I have something to keep from going crazy.


• Cash, cards, and ID. When you're eating out with a number of people, not all restaurants will split the check. So having cash makes it easier for you to pay your share. I also have my insurance card and AAA card. The insurance is just in case, and I've never used it. But sometimes I get extra discounts with my AAA card.

 

Things I do to prepare the homefront:

• I have kids, which means I need to make arrangements for them. Since I'm the primary caregiver, I cannot assume that my husband will remember everything they need. So I put together a schedule and make a list. This trip, the kids are going to daycamp while he works, so I am printing out the schedule and information for that as well.


• Laundry. Not only do I want clothes for the trip, but I want my family to have everything they need.


• Grocery shopping. I stock up on anything I need for my trip, but I also buy easy to prepare meals for my family. Word of caution: I have prepared lots of freezer meals that don't get eaten. Don't feel bad if you find out that they ate nothing you bought. They are probably using this as an opportunity to gorge themselves on the junk food you don't usually let them have. This used to bug me, but now I let it be their reward for letting me go.


• Provide everyone with copies of my travel information.

 

Things I do to prepare professionally:

• Business cards. I am the idiot who forgets to bring them, or if I do bring them, they are always in my hotel room. This year, I am going to do everything in my power to remember to bring them AND carry them with me. I've missed out on so many good connections because I didn't have a card.


• Putting together my pitch or blurb. I have it written out (and printed out) to refer to in case I forget, but I work really hard at trying to memorize it. Many (but not all) conferences frown on you handing editors or agents a piece of paper to take with them. Find out the etiquette of this ahead of time and plan accordingly. If you do bring a one-sheet or other paper, make sure it has a professional and neat appearance.


• Getting my schedule together ahead of time. I prefer to have it printed out. I have a thin three ring binder with page protectors that I use to organize all of my information. I just slip my printouts into the page protectors and go. It's so convenient to pull out my binder and have my schedule laid out. I also keep a copy of my reservation information, confirmations, and tickets there. Basically, every piece of paper related to my trip is in this binder.


• Make arrangements to meet up with professional contacts and friends. Conferences are so busy, and I've found that if you don't intentionally make the time, you may not get to spend time with everyone you were hoping to see.


• Knowing what I want out of the conference. I heard the advice that you should go with a goal you want to accomplish from being at the conference. This goal should not be signing the contract with your dream editor or agent. That doesn't happen at conferences, so don't set yourself up for failure. In case you were wondering, my goal for this conference is to re-discover my joy.

 

Have you been to a writer's conference? What do you do to prepare? I'd especially love to hear any tips I may have left off.

The joy of having something in common

I've always been a bit strange. Sorry to disillusion anyone who thinks I might be normal. One of my personality quirks is that I am not a morning person. I can remember being on a getaway with some girlfriends and I heard one whisper to another, "what is wrong with Danica? I can't believe she slept so late."  Over the years, I've had a number of well-meaning people try to turn me into a morning person. They barely escape with their lives intact fail. But there's still this overwhelming sense of wondering why I can't be like everyone else, and get up at the crack of dawn.

Then last night, when we picked up the princess from a friend's house, we got to talking to her mom. Now I've heard her mention not being a morning person, but when we were talking, she started mentioning things about not being a morning person that made me realize that I am not as crazy as everyone thinks. I loved her description of coming up swinging when her hubby woke her up early in their relationship. I had a similar moment in my marriage... my hubby is still not recovered from the trauma. The best part was that hubby was there, listening to her describe her morning aversions, and she could have been talking about me.

Knowing that I wasn't alone in one of my big personality quirks brought me strength and joy. There isn't anything wrong with me. Sometimes when we are surrounded by people not like us, we start buying into the doubt and wondering... Am I just different, or am I wrong? I think it's a good question to ask at times, because there are times when we are doing something that is wrong.

None of us are exactly alike, but when we find that we have something in common with someone else, we realize that we aren't as alone as we think. It's also good for those around us who don't have those personality quirks to understand that just because we aren't like them doesn't mean we're wrong.

One of my missions in sharing so much of my life is that I hope there will be times when you have that aha! moment and realize that you are not crazy or weird. Well, you may be. But you know what? That's okay. I'm crazy and weird and... wonderful! So are you. Maybe you're a raging psycho morning person. That's okay. I respect that. Maybe you're like me, and if anyone bothers you before 9 or 10 am, they quickly learn to fear for their lives. That's okay too. Well, maybe not the homicide part. I understand that's wrong, no matter how you color it. But hey, I'm still learning and growing. Still, it's an adventure that I'd rather take with people who may not be just like me, but still find joy in doing it together.

Have you ever had that aha! moment of realizing that someone shares a personality quirk that you always thought made you strange?

Are you still longing to connect on something you think no one understands?

The lie of perfection

[caption id="attachment_1952" align="alignleft" width="300"] I wanted to take a perfect picture of a flower, and ended up with a blurry mess. But the more I look at it, the more I realize how beautiful it is.[/caption]

Part of why I haven't been consistent with my blogging lately is a lot of the same reason I haven't put my website out there yet. I have this crazy thought that until it's perfect, until I'm perfect, I can't put it out there. I've been doing a Bible study on the lies we believe, and that crazy thought of being perfect, well, that's one of them. I'm not perfect, and I never will be. Neither will you, or anyone else. But we get caught up in that lie and it makes us crazy.

When I started knitting, and I was frustrated with my lack of progress, a friend told me a story of how Jewish women intentionally put a mistake in their work because it can't be perfect. Only God is perfect, therefore they shouldn't even attempt to be.  As I look at my struggle with perfection, I wonder how much easier my life would be if I lived like that...

Now, I'm not talking about taking the attitude of saying, "I'm not perfect, never will be, so I'm going to go out and sin all I want to."  But what if I gave myself grace moments every day, like instead of yelling at my kids to pick up their stuff as I answer the door for an unexpected guest (because God forbid someone actually sees what an awful mess my house gets to be), I let the person in- and I let them accept me for who I really am. Because yes, I desperately dream of having a perfectly clean house. Some days, I'm really good at it. Other days, I live in fear that social services will take my kids away because it looks like really bad things happened here. Maybe, if someone sees that my house is not a perfect show home, maybe they'll accept that theirs doesn't have to be either.

Because if I were to sum up my mission and purpose for sharing on Twitter, Facebook, and my blog, that's really it. You are not alone in your struggles. I am struggling right there with you. There are two people I really admire who've said similar things- Lisa Samson, who says that she writes so "that people will know that they are not alone"; and Michele Cushatt, who has this great thing she says on her website, "I'm with you." I should mention that some things Camy Tang has said to me privately also inspire me in this vein, but she hasn't shared publicly, so I won't. But she's awesome, too, so she needs a shout-out. :)

I mention these people, not because I want to be another Lisa Samson, Michele Cushatt, or Camy Tang. They all have incredible messages, but they aren't me, and I'm not them. I'm living my own imperfect life. In revealing those imperfections, and sharing the truths I learn along the way, maybe someone out there will find a bit of extra strength and courage to get through that next place because someone is right there with them.

Will I do it perfectly? Nope. I hereby offer you the 100% guarantee that I'm going to mess up. I apologize in advance. But I'm done living the lie that I can some how, some way, be perfect.

How about you? Are you fighting a battle against the lie of perfection? How do you deal with it?

 

 

Welcome to my new site!!

I've been working on my new site for several months now. It's been live, but I haven't moved the blog entirely over because well, I'm just not fully satisfied with it. I paid to have someone do it, and unfortunately, due to some communication errors on both sides, they never finished it to my satisfaction. So I've been messing with it, trying to make the things that I don't like work, and I've kept working on trying to make it more perfect.

But then, Michael Hyatt posted something on his blog where he encouraged people to Embrace Permanent Beta and Launch... So, Mike, if I can call you that, this one's for you. Thanks for making me finally accept that it's not going to be perfect, and I need to just do it already.

So here it is... my imperfect website that's probably a better reflection of me than something perfectly shiny and wonderful. There's so much I still want to do with it, but for now, it is what it is. To be honest, that's pretty much who I am as a person and a writer. I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and hoping to improve, but in the meantime, I'm enjoying the journey.

Take a look around, let me know what you think, and in the coming months, we'll see this place evolve. Or not. And that's okay.