Wow! It has been a crazy few weeks in Danicaland. So many ups and downs, and unfortunately, I had something bad happen that made me hit a low I haven't had in a long time. Today, I was processing all those things, and a good friend made a comment that stopped me in my tracks. And while it was completely unrelated to the bad thing that happened, it put a new fire in me.
Actually, the seed of the fire was planted last week when I was at another transformational retreat. We talked a lot about our visions and who we wanted to be in the future. I've really struggled with defining what I do for writers, which is hard, because I truly believe that I have a lot of great information that can help my fellow writers- and I've had a number of them say so! And then it came to me- I help writers move beyond the things that are blocking them from success in their writing career. BAM! I was looking over my notes, and right below where I wrote and circled that ah-ha, I wrote a question. How am I out of alignment with that vision?
I didn't answer that question, because until today, I didn't have the answer. And now I do. You see, the bad thing that happened to me created a lot of inner drama. Because I wanted to think I was strong, I tried dealing with it on my own. But in dealing with it, I developed this fear, this place of hiding and not wanting to be seen because I needed to protect myself. Honestly, it has felt like a part of me died, and I didn't know how to get it back.
Then today, talking to my friend, I mentioned something I want to do, but don't know how to do it, and she was like, "DUH, the Holy Spirit lives in you. You have all the power of God inside you to take care of it." Which is when I realized that as much as I've been trying to control my life around the bad thing, it has been controlling me. The power of God lives inside of me, and I have been letting something horrible that happened to me override that power.
And so here I am, turning around that bad thing and saying, "you don't get to be the boss of me anymore!"
I'm going to tell you a secret. One that has me feeling vulnerable, and yet I also want to share it, because it's part of what has transformed me as a writer, and what I believe is the key to helping other writers. As I dealt with the bad thing, I completely abandoned my writing practice. I'm almost ashamed to admit it, because I know how bad it is to let your writing go, and to let something like that drag you down. But here's the thing: we all do it. And I'm convinced that one of the main things holding us back in our writing is that we let these bad things get in our way. I don't know what your bad thing is, and I don't really want to talk about my bad thing. But we have got to realize that we are stronger than those bad things. Bad things happen to all of us, but if we let them get in our way, they control us, rather than us being in charge.
Which leads me back to my purpose. I created my retreat because I want to help writers. I want to give them nourishment in ways writers need because they tend to lose themselves. I know, because I've found myself lost more times than I can count. But I am learning how to get un-lost, to be un-stuck, and to move forward. Which is what I want to teach others.
So... I've decided that I really want as many people to come to my retreat as possible, because I know I am not the only writer who has lost her way a time or two or three or more. Which is why I've decided to lower my retreat price back to the early bird discount rate of $97. A while back, I told a writer friend that for me, it's not about the money, except that I do need to pay for the space I'm renting at the hotel and honor my contractual obligations. So you guys are getting it at my cost. Writers need this information, and I'm going to share it.
We all lose our way from time to time. Bad things happen. But I believe we can turn it around, and turn into fuel to move us forward. I hope you'll join me!
I’ll never forget the last time I saw her at a conference. I
had been friends with Matilda (not her real name) for years. She was sitting at
the bar, just hanging out, and I joined her. After all, that’s how our friendship
had been year after year. But that year, something was different. Matilda
seemed annoyed that I was there, and I noticed that she spent the whole time
looking around the bar for other people. We had a brief, polite conversation,
and then, when a bestselling author entered the room, Matilda ditched me. Our
emails, rather than being the usual friendly sort, turned into her assistant
very politely blowing me off. Basically, once Matilda’s star rose, she left me
behind as a friend.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and it’s taken me a
while to come up with this post. Because it hurts to go there. It hurts to be
reminded of how, when Matilda needed help with a book, I contributed what ended
up being the meat of a chapter, and in her acknowledgements, she thanked big
name authors who, in separate conversations that they initiated, mentioned
being surprised because they’d had nothing to do with her book. Yet, despite
everything I’d done to help her, I’d gone completely unacknowledged. Not that I
did it for the acknowledgement. As a friend, I’d been happy to help. But it
became really clear that she saw people like me as people to use on her path to
success, and once my usefulness was over, I no longer existed.
I wish I could say that Matilda was the only friend who did
this to me. I have several friends, now bestselling authors, whose early
careers I helped, who no longer acknowledge our friendship because I’m no
longer an asset to their career.
So why do I share this story? It’s not so that you feel
sorry for me, or question my judgement in helping friends who clearly aren’t,
or even to get back at Matilda. I purposely hid her name and identifying
details because my goal is not to hurt Matilda. She’s a fine writer, and I
still believe in her work. I just think she was a lousy friend to me, and her
actions really hurt me.
But here is the point: a friend of mine emailed me to tell
me that she was interested in my retreat, but the real problem with why she’s
stuck in her writing is that another writer hurt her and she can’t get past it.
Boy, do I know that problem. So many Matildas in my life, and other hurts, and
sometimes writing is hard. I have friends struggling with hurts from harsh
editors, betrayals from friends, mean reviews, and a lot of negativity in their
writing business. And guess what? They sit in writing paralysis based on those
hurts.
I know that paralysis all too well. For a long time, I was
afraid to be a successful author because I didn’t want to turn into the kind of
jerk who abandoned all my friends because I was more successful than them. It
was more important to me to be a good friend who was there for her friends than
it was to be a successful author. For some reason, I thought those two things
were mutually exclusive.
What a crock!
I realized that I have many friends who are successful
authors, friends who are not about stepping on others to get ahead, but are
reaching their hands down to pull others up. And that’s the kind of author I
intend to be.
But here’s the thing: That wound paralyzed me for a long time.
The wounds many
of my friends have been dealing with are keeping them from moving forward in
their writing careers.
Part of the work we’ll be doing at my retreat is looking at
those wounds, and seeing how they’re holding us back. But also, finding healing
for those wounds. One of the ways we writers are lacking in nourishment is in
finding healing for our wounds. The wounds we carry, if they’re still
festering, are shackles that bind us to the past and prevent us from moving
forward. However, when we find healing for our wounds, we find the freedom we
need to move forward in confidence toward success.
I can’t promise that if you come to my retreat that you’ll
find full healing. But my goal, and my hope, is that you’ll be able to identify
those wounds, and identify ways of dealing with them, so that you can move in
the direction of healing.
If someone has wounded you in a way that has hurt your
writing, you owe it to yourself to find healing.
Carrying that wound doesn’t
affect the other person at all- it just hurts you. I’m pretty sure that Matilda
isn’t sitting at home, thinking about how awful it is that she hurt me. She
looks at herself in the mirror every day and doesn’t give me a second thought.
And that’s okay! So why do I spend so much energy worrying about her? The most
freeing thing in my life has been healing that wound.
And I want to help you
find that same healing.
Obviously, my blog is a little too public for you all to
pour out your hearts. But if you’d like to share on the topic, I’d love to hear
your thoughts. Have you found healing for wounds? And if you’re struggling with
a wound, and need to chat, feel free to email me privately at danica@danicafavorite.com.
I had a different post in mind for today, but when a fellow writer posted a question in a group I belong to, I realized that the core of what I do, and why this retreat is so important to me, lies in the answer that I gave her. You see, I think one of the biggest things writers struggle with is believing in themselves as writers.
The way this idea manifested today is that a person asked about the value of critique partners. And you know, while I did give her an answer, I didn't give her a complete answer. Mostly because it was way too long for a simple FB post, but also because it's a much longer explanation than, "should I look for a new critique partner?"
Over the years, I've had some amazing critique partners. I've also had some really terrible critique partners, whose cutting criticism of my work had me feeling absolutely worthless. Lately, though, I have not used critique partners at all. When I submitted the first book I had published, my good critique partners were too busy to read it. So I sent it in, with no one but me having read it. That book sold. In fact, every book I've ever sold has never been fully critiqued. If I have questions or doubts about a certain passage, I'll send it to trusted friends to give it a read-through. But it's usually something that doesn't take long, and is usually something very specific I want to know. My editor reads the book, and then I get my edits from her.
I struggled to sell my first book for a number of years, and during those years, I had dozens of critique partners, including well-known writing experts. Interestingly enough, the things that my editor didn't like about those books were all things that the experts told me to do. Now, I don't blame the experts, and, I have no intention of revealing who they are or what they said. I think they do know a lot about writing, and they've helped a lot of people. They just weren't the right fit for me, and I didn't have the courage to respectfully disagree.
The person I blame is myself. Because, as the experts told me their advice, I knew it wasn't right for my book. But rather than owning my story, I let the experts shape my story and turn it into what they thought it should be. I didn't believe in myself as a writer, and the truth is, that showed up in my writing.
My writing is different now. Not because I took a class that taught me a new technique, or because I read a fabulous writing book. But because I learned to believe in myself. To trust the story I had inside me, and to trust in the fact that I know how to write.
So does that mean people don't need critique partners? Absolutely not! I used to judge a lot of writing contests, and I read a lot of bad writing. There was one particular story, year after year, I would somehow end up judging in multiple contests. Every year, it was exactly the same story, and the author never changed anything. One year, I received a nasty email from that author basically saying that I had no idea what I was talking about, and how dare I say that her book wasn't perfect. I fought the urge to answer her back and tell her that after five years of not being a finalist, and not selling the book, she might consider that her writing could use some improvement.
There's also the author, whose work I spent hours critiquing and really trying to help, and finally, after not selling her book, decided to self-publish. To support her, I bought the book, and was horrified to find that she hadn't changed a thing- including the typos! So now, she complains everywhere that her book is not selling as well as she thinks it should be.
Where, then, is the room for being critiqued?
I know at least a hundred authors. Probably more. Of those authors, only one has told me that she doesn't have a critique partner and her editor never gives her edits on her books. However, she's also published more than a hundred novels, so I'm going to say that she knows a little something about writing. Every author has some level of editing done before the book goes to print. With the advent of self-publishing, more authors are choosing not to have the book edited, but I believe that's a mistake. There are things you can't see in your own work that you need someone to help you find- even if it's just typos.
Even though you'd think that not having a book edited means that you believe in yourself as an author, I'm going to take a different stance. If you do not have the courage to let someone else critique your work, and are not willing to listen to suggestions and make changes, I think that comes from a deep insecurity manifesting itself as pride. I've noticed that people who are overly prideful are people who have such low self-esteem that accepting criticism in one area means that they are bad people as a whole. None of us are perfect. We all have flaws, and one flaw doesn't make a person a waste of a human being.
So how do you balance the need to trust yourself and the need to have another set of eyes improve your work?
1. Recognize that you are not perfect. And that's okay! You are not a failure of a human being for not being perfect. No one is perfect, so embrace your imperfections and choose to love yourself anyway. Even if someone tells you that your book is the most awful thing they've ever read, their words have nothing to do with your value as a writer. Even the greatest writers in history are criticized to this very day!
2. Recognize that you are a talented writer. You have a valuable story to tell, and it deserves to be told. There is something special inside you that deserves to come out. Only you can tell your story.
3. Recognize your flaws as a writer. There are people you will never please with your writing. My own daughter won't read my books because she hates romance. But there are people who DO like what you write. Have them look at your writing, and notice the patterns that come up. Part of why I don't use a critique partner, except for problem areas, other than the fact that I have an editor, is that over the years, I've seen enough patterns in critiques I've received. If you want to know my flaws as a writer, I can give you a list. So I know, when I'm reading through my work, what to look for.
4. Recognize your strengths as a writer. Sometimes we're so focused on our flaws, that we forget the incredible strengths we have as writers. There are things you do really well. Find out what they are, and celebrate them!
5. Recognize that being an author is a journey. We're all at different places on that journey, and because the journey is so full of different paths, you might be further on one path than someone who is further on a different path. And that's okay. We can learn from each other, support each other, and help each other along the path. A lot of people want to arrive at a certain place on the journey, but the truth is, you never really do arrive. There's always something new to learn and do, and when you embrace that truth, being a writer becomes so much more fulfilling.
Where do you need to go deeper in your belief in yourself as a writer?
I am hosting a retreat in November, and this is one of the topics we'll be addressing. I've talked to so many writers, and it makes me sad to see how many of us struggle with believing in ourselves and our work. The things we write are so valuable, and I really want to see us owning that value!
And,
for a little fun-spiration today, as I wrote this post, I had this
great song going through my head. If you replace the life stuff with
writing stuff, it's really the same story. The writing life is a dance
you learn as you go! So take a chance on your writing, and let it out!
You're worth it!
Part of my heart for hosting my own retreat is that as I talk to other writers about their writing and their writing lives, I keep hearing a common theme: they all need a retreat for one reason or another. I see so many people who need a break. Writers wear so many hats, and have the most overfilled, overloaded plates of everyone I know, and yet, we just keep piling it higher, or grabbing a bigger plate. What we're not doing is stopping to take a time out to assess what's really important to us. And I believe that taking the time for a retreat, and investing in yourself, is the best way to do that. So here are the top five reasons why you need a retreat:
1. You need a retreat if you are at, or close to, burnout.
Ha! That's not me! It's easy to be in denial, but the truth is, many of us are a lot closer to burnout than we think. Most writers are going at a breakneck pace. In the current writing environment, it seems like there are so many things changing, adapting, and requiring our constant attention. I am increasingly disheartened to see so many of my writer friends either walking away from their writing careers, struggling where they used to find ease, or living in a state of utter exhaustion. Taking the time for a retreat gives you the rest you need to restore those burned out places.
2. You need a retreat to take time for yourself.
One of the things I love about my writer friends is that they are such givers. I was just on the phone with one of my really good writing friends, and what I love about her is that she has the biggest heart of anyone I know. I have seen her in places where she is absolutely running on empty and she still finds room to give to anyone who asks her. However, when it comes to taking time for herself, she feels like she's being selfish. But here's the thing: if she does not take care of herself, she's going to end up so utterly depleted that she makes herself sick or worse. When you take time for yourself, you refill the well so there is something for you to keep giving. There is a reason the airlines tell you to put on your oxygen mask first!
3. You need a retreat to refill the creative well.
Taking care of your own personal well is just one of the wells that can run empty. The creative well is one of the other wells you have that needs to be replenished. Again, when you're constantly pouring out, you need the time and space to refill. Going away to a place and situation outside your normal world and routine gives you the opportunity to access new creative materials and stretch your brain so you have even more to draw from!
4. You need a retreat to give you the space to take care of yourself.
Even though we set the intention of doing better to take care of ourselves, to refill the well, to do all the things we want to do with our creative practice, most of the time, we don't do it. Something always comes up. The afternoon you were going to go write, your kid decides to start throwing up. True story. Nothing makes vomit happen faster in my house than having plans to go write (or having a clean house, but that doesn't happen as often). But when you've made reservations, paid money, and are all set to go on a retreat, you don't have the choice but to go, unless you want to all that to go to waste. If you don't have specific plans and something at stake, it's easy to forgo taking care of yourself in favor of other seemingly pressing matters at home. A retreat gives you the structure to force you into doing what you need to do for you.
5. You need a retreat because you don't need another writer's conference.
Let me be clear and say that I am not against writer's conferences. I've been to dozens of writing conferences, and I've gotten so much out of them. I absolutely love writer's conferences, and there are so many that are really good. I am very much in favor of writer's conferences. However. I believe that most writers already know what they need to know to be a good writer. I'm not saying we don't need to improve, because I think everyone has room to grow. Sometimes, though, what we need more than learning HOW to write is that we need to learn to BELIEVE in our abilities as writers. To care for the parts of us that will sustain us through our writing careers. We need time and space to process the things we've learned at writer's conferences. But if you're anything like me, you get home directly from a conference and have to dive right in to family life- without processing what you just learned at the conference. A retreat gives you the time and space you need to process what you've learned at a writer's conference, from a writing book, or any other thing you've done to improve your writing.
Ultimately, though, you need a retreat because you need to invest in you. Writers, you need to know that who you are and what you are doing when you put words on the page is valuable.
Obviously, I'm biased in favor of people signing up for my retreat. Mostly because I have a lot of cool stuff planned that I believe will help us all avoid burnout, and give us the care we need to move forward in what I know is complete and total awesomeness. But you know, even if you just make a plan to get away on a little retreat of your own, you're still going to get a great benefit. Don't put off taking time for yourself. You deserve to have the time and space you need to take care of yourself.
The dream house is pretty big, but I'm up to something even bigger! You see, I've always had a lot of big dreams in life, not just for me, but because I've always wanted to help people. I can remember writing in my journal at age 13 about a tough situation I was going through and saying, "I don't know why I'm going through this, except that maybe it will give me the strength to help others so they don't have to." And that's been a theme running through my life.
My dream home in the mountains isn't just about me wanting to live in the mountains. The truth is, I have ulterior motives. Once upon a time, a long time ago, I thought it would be cool to have my very own retreat center, where I would host retreats and teach people about a variety of things. I'd also have guest teachers and other fun things to give people rest and rejuvenation. I remember one time, calling my pastor and leaving this super long message about how I wanted to help with retreats at the church and all these great plans I had. He never called me back, and I never got the opportunity to help with church retreats. At the time, I figured I must not be ready for such a big challenge.
Time went on, and the dream never left me. I even fell in love with a number of retreat centers for sale. Of course, at a million dollars, hubby was not eager to support the endeavor. :) I told my friend Camy Tang about my dream, and she said, "why don't you just start your own retreats at other places and when you build a successful track record, you can get a loan to build your own retreat center?" I thought about it, but I never managed to get it together. But the desire never left me.
So what does this have to do with you and your dreams? I think, in a lot
of ways, we all have the same things holding us back. I doubted myself
in a lot of areas, and I used them as excuses to not move forward on
something that had been calling me for a long time. Often, we look at
the practical things, like with my house, and see how it's virtually
impossible, so we don't even try.
Which is why, as I am following so many of my other dreams, I've decided to take the big step in following this one as well. I have created a retreat for writers. I'm taking the advice I've received and starting small, but my goal is to grow so that eventually, tucked on my beautiful mountain property, there will be a place for other writers to come and find respite. But for now, we'll be hanging out at a hotel, and there, you will be able to find rest.
I specifically created this retreat based on my experiences at retreats, but also based on what we as writers need. I saw other writers struggling in their careers, and I understood that pain. It took me twelve years to get published, and it wasn't for lack of skill as a writer. I see so many perfectly talented writers who can't get ahead, and it's a shame, because their work deserves to be read by others.
So why, then, if talent isn't the issue, are so many people not succeeding as writers? It's like there's an invisible switch inside them that seems to be turned to the "off" position. I know, because I had that problem. And I also learned to re-set that switch. Which is what I want to help others do.
Honestly, I think we get caught up so much in the business of writing that we forget the joy of writing. We forget the love we have for the written word as we find ourselves torn between the artistic side of writing and the business side of writing. We are overwhelmed by the expectations, deadlines, pressures, goals, edits, and marketing. And what we need is space to play. To relax. To rejuvenate.
But here's the thing... we all say, "yes, that sounds good, and I totally need that." But we never make the time for it to happen. Instead, we promise ourselves we'll take better care of ourselves, and then we never do. I created this space so you can keep that promise to yourself. I created this space to keep my promises to myself.
The retreat is called Nourishing the Writer's Spirit, because your writer's spirit deserves to be nourished. It needs to be nourished. And as we nourish your spirit, you'll discover the dreams buried inside you, and find the strength to move forward on them.
I believe every writer needs to have the time and space to nourish themselves. Which is why I think every writer needs to come! If you're in a place where you feel depleted, or are struggling with where you're at in your writing career, you especially need to give yourself this gift.
I'd also really appreciate it if you shared information about the retreat with other writers you know. We spend so much time learning about craft and career, but we don't take the time to learn about something equally important- nourishing ourselves. I'm also happy to come to your group and talk about these topics.
Whatever your goal or dream with your writing is, I know you can do it! And I've love to help you get there.
[caption id="attachment_4629" align="alignleft" width="225"] The place where my dreams are born.[/caption]
I just returned from a wonderful retreat in Park City, Utah. Many of you read my post about my BIG DECISION, and I wanted to share one of the really important components of making that decision. I engaged in a ton of self care. I stayed at a gorgeous hotel in a wonderful suite that had so many things that really nurtured me.
Nurturing myself gave me the freedom to really see the future I wanted for myself.
One of the most nurturing things my hotel had was a HUGE bath tub. I'm a shower girl if I just want to get clean. But when I need to take care of myself, I take a bath. This tub was spectacular. I went to Whole Foods on the first night, bought myself some yummy (and healthy!) food, and a big container of bath salts. Each night, I took a long bath with a cup of tea and a book. One night, I spent about two hours in the tub with my journal. That might sound like a lot, but for me, that's the best rejuvenation time in the world. Even when I'm at home, if I've had a bad day, or I'm not feeling myself, the best way for me to snap out of it is to spend some time in the tub. I often say that I go into the tub with a book, a cup of tea, a glass of water, and sometimes a glass of wine, and I don't leave until I've finished them all.
I've learned that taking care of myself makes me a better me so that I can more effectively reach out and help others.
Yes, that also includes my role as wife and mother. Everyone in my life is better for the time I spend taking care of myself. I can't give to others when I am empty inside. If I try to make a decision from a place of not feeling healthy and grounded, I invariably make the wrong decision. Or I make the right decision, but it doesn't feel good, because I did it from a harried place.
When you're trying to move in the direction of your dreams, you have to be in a place of strength.
That doesn't mean that there's an absence of fear, or that you feel totally incapable of doing what you're dreaming of. Those are natural feelings when you're chasing your dreams. But it's so much easier to deal with those feelings when you're taking care of yourself.
So what are you doing to take care of yourself? How can you take care of yourself today so you feel good about where you're going tomorrow?
One of the most important things that came out of the retreat was a renewed focus on God. After spending forty hours of doing nothing other than contemplating the Lord, it's hard not to think about priorities. We watched a Rob Bell video on noise, and the thing that struck me was one of the questions he asked about what we're filling our time with.
I've been frustrated lately because I haven't had time for Bible study. I'd planned for my evenings, after everyone's in bed, to spend that time with the Lord. But I get home, and I'm so tired from everything else I have going on that the words on the page start to run together. But I'm so wired that I can't sleep. So I sit up and play computer games. I find it relaxing. Except then I never find time to spend with the Lord.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
If I say God is the most important thing in my life, why haven't I fit Him in?
The truth is, I fill my life with a lot of noise.
I started to examine a lot of the things in my life, a lot of my priorities. I had to ask myself the tough questions, like: "Does the time I spend playing computer games add to my relationship with God? Does it further the purpose He has in my life? Does it accomplish anything useful in my life?"
Now, before I get folks flaming me for attacking computer games, let me just say that I don't think there's anything wrong with them. Given the right time and place. But when I use them to fill up my "God time" that's a huge problem.
So I'm choosing to give up computer games. Not entirely. But rather than being my means to unwind, they are a reward. Something I get to do after everything else that's important, everything that adds to my life, is done. I'm giving up a lot of other things, too. Some of them I'm not able to share completely, but I do want to share one piece... the part where I'm examining and making decisions.
I keep coming back to the question... while I enjoy it, and it's something that makes me happy, how does it add to my relationship with Christ? How does it add to the ministry He's given me?
The Bible talks about being double-minded. Never in a good way. When we have so much going on, we can't help but become double-minded. Even though all the things I have in my life are good things, and certainly all have served the Lord, they don't allow me to keep my focus where it should be.
I've given myself a year... time to figure out and cut out the things that are taking away from what's really important. It means saying no to things I used to say yes to. It means disappointing people who are counting on me. It means giving up things I really enjoy. But it also means gaining precious time for the things that really matter to me.
So the question for those of you who are eagerly looking to my journey in hopes you can glean wisdom for your own is...
What's the noise you need to cut out of your life?
