Owning your value as a writer

I've had a couple of conversations lately and I wanted to share the gist of them, because I'm seeing a trend in a lot of friends, especially writers, and it bothers me. We are not seeing and claiming our value! As writers, what we do is so valuable. Think about the books that have changed your life. Most people, especially readers can name a book that impacted their lives. What price do you put on that?

You might say, "well, Danica, I'm not a Hemingway, or Dickens, or whoever, and therefore, I'm not in that category." And you know what I say to that? BALONEY. Actually, I'd use a stronger word here, but I might get in trouble with the internet police, so I won't. :) You don't have to be great to be valuable. You just have to be you.

The trouble with owning your value is that it's scary to step out there and do it.

Yesterday, I talked to a friend who said that she was afraid of sounding too prideful or getting too big of a head if she started sharing all the reasons why she was valuable. And I understand that. We've all met the jerks who think too much of themselves. In fact, this friend and I have a pact that if we ever turn into writing super stars, we will keep each other in check to not become jerks. But there is a difference between saying I am a great writer and what I do is valuable, and saying, I'm too cool for you because I'm a great writer.

God gave us each these fabulous talents and abilities. So when we downplay them and say that we're not as awesome as God made us to be because we're afraid of people thinking our heads are too big, we're denying God. We're not letting God's gifts shine through us. We've dimmed the light, and frankly, I think that's offensive to God. He gave us our gifts and talents to USE them.

How do you start owning your value?

First of all, recognize it! Have you thought of all the ways that you are valuable? The things that make you valuable? Seriously. Take a minute and write a few down. I'll give you a few examples.
1. I am a great encourager.
2. My friends know that I will tell them the truth, even if it's uncomfortable.
3. I have a variety of life experiences to draw upon.
4. I'm a good writer.
5. People like my books.
6. I am a good mother.
7. I love chickens!!
8. I seek to understand other points of view.
9. I love to try new things and have new experiences.
10. I am persistent.

Now think about the kind of person who is all of those things. Put in your head what kind of person that is. That's a pretty awesome person, right? And guess what? That person is ME!! Your list of all of your awesome things? That's YOU!!

What does this have to do with owning your value as a writer?

Everything. If you aren't owning your personal value, then you can't own who you are as a writer. All of those wonderful things about me? I bring that to my writing. I have those gifts that add value to the words I write. Are my words autobiographical? No. But they are flavored with those beautiful and not so beautiful things about me. And yes, I do believe the ugly things, our scars, our flaws, those add value too. But too often we focus on the negative and the reasons why we can't, and we don't see the wonderful things we bring to the table with our writing.

The friend I spoke with the other day, she is a fantastic writer. People love her books. But she's had a lot of things happen lately that have discouraged her and she's feeling not so valuable. She's afraid to put herself out there and shine. What if the negatives are right? What if she's being too bold in saying that she is a great writer? What if she's not as great as she thinks she might be?

All of those things are lies. She, like so many of us, get trapped into believing them because we're conditioned to think that way instead of owning our value. I'm not saying any of this to pick on her, by the way. I'm just as guilty, and perhaps that's why I can recognize it in her. I've been there.

Why does owning your value matter so much?

When you don't have confidence in your value, it shows. Who wants to have a surgeon with a shaky hand perform surgery on them? But that's exactly what you're doing when you fail to claim your value and stand securely in it.

Being valuable doesn't mean being perfect. I can say I'm a good mom and be confident in that, but also know that I am not a perfect mom. I got a little competitive playing on the Wii with my daughter yesterday and a swear word popped out. Oops! That one mistake doesn't negate the fact that I'm doing a great job raising my kids. And guess what? I admitted my mistake, apologized to them, and turned it into a teaching moment to demonstrate that I am not a perfect mom, but I am a mom willing to acknowledge my shortcomings. My mistake helped build character in my kids. That's valuable.

On the writing side, if I sit at my computer, filled with fear and insecurity, it shows in my writing. If I'm second-guessing myself because I have no confidence in myself and my abilities,  I make mistakes that I wouldn't have made otherwise. Last night, if I'd spent the time beating myself up for that swear word, I wouldn't have had the precious giggle and snuggle with my girls. When we fail to acknowledge our value as writers, we're locking up the beautiful moments like giggles and snuggles, and keeping them off the page, and out of the hands of readers who could be blessed by it.

Take some time today and think about the things that make you valuable! I'd love for you to post some of the items on your list, and if you're brave enough to share, I'll tell you something I see in you that's valuable!

The healing power of art, friendship, and Truth

One of the biggest blessings in my art journaling journey has been to see how many inner wounds it has healed. I'm doing a number of different art journal projects, and one of the most daunting things has been that a lot of the challenges ask you to do some kind of self-portrait.

I'm going to be honest here. I HATE pictures of myself. I'm not like some people, who completely shun the camera, because I have relatives who are like that, and it makes me sad that I have no pictures of them. But still, there's a tiny part of me that dies inside when I'm asked to be in a picture. When I see a picture of me, I see the awful labels that have followed me around for years- the ugly girl who was bullied and made fun of. I hear the voices that tell me I'm not good enough and point out all of my flaws. And I think, "I'm such a phoney for all the positive self talk I give myself about my appearance."

So when I'm asked to take a picture of myself and put it in a journal that's all about celebrating my creativity, I think, "why am I torturing myself?" Which means I put off the task as long as possible until I'm finally forced to do it because I can't allow myself to skip a journal exercise.

Today I had coffee with my friend Niki. She does not know I was struggling with this, and yet, she said something that rocked my world in terms of how I viewed my picture. She said something along the lines of, "living under Christ, we are already God's beloved. He doesn't look at us and see sinners, He sees people He dearly loves." I knew those words to be true. But as I tossed them about in my mind, I realized that as much as I say I believe that, I don't live that in my own life. If I really believed that God looked at me as His beloved, JUST AS I AM, then why do I look at myself with labels that are not true? I've worked so hard to get past the body image lies, but as much time as I spend telling myself what I think should be the truth, the old lies creep in.

When I got home, I decided to do the selfie exercise. As soon as I printed the picture, I immediately started picking out the flaws- my double chin because I don't know how to hold my head right, the hormonal acne, the gray hairs, the awkward smile. I glued my picture down, and I wanted to cry. But then I remembered Niki's words, and I thought, "all those things I hate, God loves."  Before I could stop myself, I took a Sharpie, and wrote right across my forehead, "beloved." I decorated my picture by decoupaging tissue paper around it. I like that look, and I decided that it reminds me of stained glass, which is something you find in the most beautiful of cathedrals- God's holy places. I am a holy temple of God. But then I had to take it a step further. I wrote down all the labels GOD has given me. All the beautiful, wonderful things that HE has called me. I surrounded myself with truth.

I look at that picture now, and I think, "wow, I'm really pretty." I don't feel the shame I typically feel when I see a picture of myself. I see me. I see the person that God made. And I think she's lovely. I am lovely.

I don't make art because I have aspirations of being a great artist. Most people are not going to look at the art I make and think I have amazing talent. But that's not the point. In my art, I've found a way to take the wounds of the past, combine them with the beautiful words of truth from my friends, and find healing. I look through some of my other selfie projects, and I like the girl I see. She may not be perfect, but that's okay. God looks down on her - on me- and sees someone He adores.

What do you see when you see pictures of yourself? Do you see someone who is beautiful and beloved? If not, I encourage you to let God into that place. Take your picture. Print it out. Claim God's truth over your image. You are so valuable to God.

The Myth of God's Favor

I recently read a prayer request from someone that made a lot of things that I've been mulling for a while come to a bit of clarity. This person said, "Please pray for God's favor in X situation, that we will achieve X." My first response, at least mentally, was to ask, "aren't you a Christian? Doesn't that mean you already have God's favor?"

It occurred to me then, that many of us, including myself, have a warped vision of what God's favor looks like. Too many of us think that success=God's favor. And sure, in some instances, maybe that's true. But does failure also mean that you're not in favor with God?

I've started to realize that God's favor being linked to any particular outcome is a myth.

A few weeks ago at church, our pastor gave a different take on Psalm 23. We all know it, and many can recite it. But he pointed out something new to me. We often think of the verses as separate occurrences. We separate verse 3, "He guides me along the right paths for His name's sake," from verse 4, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me."

What if they're connected? What if GOD is the one taking you through the darkest valley?

I've been thinking about that for a long time. Taking that question and seeing how that applies in my life and what I assume to be true about God. I admit that I'm not anywhere close to having an expert answer. But as I've thought about the valleys in my life, and times when I've wondered why I'm there- what am I doing wrong?

Maybe it's not me at all.

I have a laundry list of deep dreams that are unfulfilled. Some, I am learning to accept will never be fulfilled. Is it because God doesn't love me? Is it because I did something wrong? Am I paying for past sins? Because I tend to go to the negative first in my brain, of course that's what I told myself. Maybe I am not favored by God.

Then I remembered the story of Mary, and how when the angel came to her, he told her that she was favored. Most of us think, wow, isn't that wonderful? Except we forget the part that being favored by God RUINED HER LIFE. Seriously. Being unmarried and pregnant in that time was punishable by death. She had her baby in really inconvenient circumstances. She had to take her husband and baby and spend the early parts of the baby's life on the run in a foreign country. She had a few years watching her son doing really cool things. And then she got to watch him die a painful, horrific death.

And yes, we know the story ended with the resurrection, and what a glorious ending for her. But did she know it while she was hiding her son, wondering if that next knock on the door would be someone there to kill him? Did she know that when she saw him take his last breath? How did she feel at the time about being highly favored by God?

Maybe being favored by God isn't what we want after all. Maybe what we really want is for God to take a look at our laundry list of dreams, check them all off, and say, "done!"

So why don't we say that? Why don't we just admit that rather than God's favor, what we really want is to get our way? I'm not trivializing here- I know that for some people, they're asking for serious things- cures for cancer, homes to not be foreclosed on, babies to be born, peace in a war-torn country. But all those things happen, regardless of whether or not you have God's favor. We just want God to fix stuff for us. And that's okay. I have a lot of things I'd really like God to fix.

The thing I need to remember is that when God doesn't fix it for me, it doesn't mean that He doesn't love me or that I don't have His favor. How about you? Are you able to accept God's favor for what it is, or do you need reminders that His favor isn't about your success? What reminders of God's favor have helped you?

 

What do our assumptions say about us?

I had a weird run-in at a store over the weekend. I was shopping with my daughter, and she'd gone to another rack to look at Halloween costumes. I went to join her, and I passed by two women. One of the women said something like, "which ones are on sale," or something similar, but I assumed she was talking to the other lady. When I reached my daughter, however, the lady raised her voice and started commenting about how young people these days are so rude and won't answer people when they speak to them and how they think they're better than everyone else.

Being slightly preoccupied with the fact that I was with a child who needed my attention, I wasn't fully aware of everything this lady was saying. She was very loudly going on and on about how rude people will get what's coming to them, and on and on. Because this lady was being so loud and obnoxious in her carrying on, I couldn't hear what my daughter wanted, so I finally took her by the hand, and moved away.

Which is when it hit me.

The woman was complaining about me.

I have to admit, it really bothered me that I had a stranger literally raining down curses on me because I didn't answer her question. I am not a rude person. I typically go out of my way to be polite, especially to strangers. But I'm also a very non-confrontational person, so I really didn't want to go talk to her. Even across the store, I could hear this woman loudly complain about young women who think they're better than everyone else. I've learned through painful experience not to engage crazy people, and based on the curses she was calling down, I was pretty sure that engaging was a bad idea.

As I shopped another section of the store (okay, I was really hiding from her so that I could go check out and not hear about what a horrible person I was for not answering her question- which would have been "I don't know, sorry."), I started to think about this woman. She didn't know me, and yet, she automatically assumed that my lack of response was that I thought I was better than her. In truth, I honestly thought she was speaking to another person (who was an elderly lady), AND, I was in a hurry to get to my daughter (who looked like she was about to make a mess).  I admit, maybe I should have gone to the lady when I realized that she felt slighted by me and said, "look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," and then explained my side of things.

Which, of course, led to me analyzing why I cared so much that some strange lady in the store was cursing me. And when I say cursing, I don't mean saying bad words, I mean she was literally saying that I should be cursed for my actions. Because I know who I am in Christ, I know that another person's curses mean nothing. But it bothered me so much that I prayed for this lady as I waited for my daughter to try on her Halloween costume. That's when I realized that this woman's words said far more about her than they did about me.

I believe this woman is an unhappy person who sees a lot of negative in the world around her. Her first assumption about a stranger is negative. I tend to be negative in my assumptions, but in her shoes, I would have thought that the person I asked didn't hear me. So what would the life of someone more negative than I look like? Maybe I'm guilty of making wrong assumptions about her, but I felt sorry for her. That her assumption about me was that I thought I was better than her said a lot about how she saw herself. She must think that she's not worth a whole lot if her judgement of others is that they think they're better. And that made me sad. What made me more sad, though, was realizing that in such an assessment is a deep level of pride. Of wanting to be elevated just as high or higher than someone else. If she didn't want that, she wouldn't have needed to loudly proclaim her disapproval of a stranger. And in so proclaiming, she told the world that she thought she was better than me.

In judging, this woman became exactly what she was complaining about.

Which made me realize that so many of the things I complain about are often flaws in my own character. When I assume something negative about a person without talking to them to learn the truth, I'm merely reflecting the flaws in me. My own insecurities. My own fears. My own idols. I can assume a lot of things about people, but those assumptions are probably not very fair. And, as I struggled with being bothered by this woman's assumptions about me, I realized that I probably make negative assumptions about people more often than I should.

I wish I had an ending to this post, like, "this is what you should do to get over it," but you know what? I don't have that answer. I wish I knew how to be better at not assuming negative things- or even assuming at all. I do think that being aware, and recognizing that our assumptions aren't always true, is a good start.

What do your assumptions say about you?

How do we give our kids value?

The princess and I had a weird conversation the other day. She was convinced that some day, when she grew up, I was going to forget about her. "I will never forget about you," I told her with confidence. "Yes you will. You're going to see me on the street someday and you won't know who I am." Nothing I said would convince her otherwise. I finally hugged her tight and told her that she was too precious to me to forget. At the core of my daughter's questions, though, was the question we all ask. Am I significant?

I started a new Bible study at our church based on the book, Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller. So far, we've only discussed the introduction, but I have to say, even that small bit is changing my life. Keller's main point is that we set up idols for ourselves by allowing things to take the place of God's significance in our lives. It's making me realize how easy it is to take the focus off God and replace Him with something else.

One of the prominent thoughts in parenting today is giving our kids good self esteem. All of the books and schools tell us how we should praise our children and make sure they know they're loved. There are so many techniques for helping our children grow a healthy self esteem. But everything I've learned is missing one component. Where does our kids' value come from?

Is it because I say they are? Or because they are good in school? Or because they're such nice kids? Well, all of those are true. They are good in school (sometimes) and they are nice kids (sometimes). And I happen to think that they're pretty great. But that isn't why my kids are valuable. They are valuable because God says they are. That's it. There is nothing they can do to make themselves any more or less valuable.

The problem is that as parents, we tend to only give them value based on our authority. "You're valuable because I say you are." To a point, we need to do that. But we also can't neglect the idea that our authority is nothing to God's. God's authority is the ultimate authority, and we also have to remind our children of their value in God's creation. I know so many adults, myself included, who don't have the proper self esteem because they didn't learn as children their value in Christ.

As I denied that I would ever forget my daughter, I started thinking of reasons I would forget her- like a traumatic brain injury or Alzheimer's, or some other terrible thing. I didn't mention them to her, but as I started worrying, I thought, great, now I'll be a liar and that will really devastate her.  That's the trouble with placing the hope in a person... there's always the chance you'll be let down. But see, God isn't going to get a traumatic brain injury or Alzheimer's or have any other reason to forget us. God will always be there.

So I'm going to be more intentional about reminding my kids that even if I fail, and let's face it, I will, some way or another, God won't. Even if they fail, God isn't going to love them any less.

How do you remind your kids of their value in God's eyes?

Being valuable

I have a group of girlfriends, we call ourselves the bat girls. My bat girl friends are an important support group for me. We live all over the world and work hard to get together in person when we can. I met the bat girls at a time in my life when I was feeling a little lost. But they took me in and became my friends and showed me a lot about Christ's love. Not one of us are perfect. Together, though, we just sort of fit. Each one brings a different piece of the body together and as a whole, well, we are the body.

Today, one of the bat girls sent out a bat-beacon because she's depressed over a lot of things. I sat there, praying for her, telling her what I could to encourage her, letting her know that she is so precious to the King. As I wrote, God started talking to me, asking me, "what makes you so different from her?"

Huh?

For those of you who don't know this about me, I'm a workaholic. I have so many things going on and projects that keep popping up. I recently sent out a prayer request because I was asked to take on another project that frankly, I don't want to do. And I honestly can't figure out a way to say no. I've had so many wonderful folks say, "just say no."

But they don't get it.

When people need me to do things, it makes me valuable. When they say, "hey, can you help with this," I always say yes. I never knew why, I just figured that I'm the helpful sort of girl who likes to lend a hand. And I am. But I'm also a scared little girl who has this messed up version of identity that says if I don't have enough notches on my scorecard of stuff I've done, I'm not valuable.

I've always been the overachiever. Looking back, I know it was because people in my life only treated me with value if I was accomplishing something good. And with each accomplishment, it set the bar higher. I got out of that dangerous cycle, or so I thought.

Then here I am, trying to make this decision, and I'm praying for my bat girl friend because my heart is just broken that she can't see what a beautiful, amazing person she is... and God smacked me one. I do not have to do all the stuff I'm doing to be valuable. I do not have to say yes to this project. I do not have to have a clean house, be the perfect friend, be the perfect mom, win any awards, get the contracts, say the right things, etc.

Through my bat girl friend's struggle, God showed me how I am still using a messed up standard for my life. I can tell everyone around me that God loves them just as they are, and I fully believe that with all my heart. But boy, I really messed up in applying that to my life.

Lord, thank you so much for putting people like the bat girls in my life. Thank you for allowing me to have contact with other parts of my body that are constantly revealing to me where I still need to have my vision adjusted. And thank you for giving me friends who are willing to be transparent in their lives so you can reveal places in mine that need work.

And for those of you who struggle with this, please know you are not alone. And know that God really does love you, just as you are. You are valuable. And so am I.

Who I am.

Every so often, I come to realize that I'm repeating the same patterns that I think are bad, but I'm not sure how I get into them or why I'm doing it, or how on earth I ended up here. Maybe I'm the only one who does this, so maybe this won't make sense, but here goes. Have you ever finished a project, time period, etc. and said, "next time, I'll do it differently. I'll do it better," only to find out at the end of that next time, you've ended up in the exact place you thought you'd do differently?

And that, my friends, is where I am today.

So frankly, I'm depressed. I managed to hold myself together, attend a group I belong to, go in to work to take care of one client, do some shopping, and head home. I fully intended to do the thing I always do when I'm depressed, didn't get enough sleep, and don't have the energy to focus on anything but how much it stinks to be where I'm at right now. But then, I opened my email, and found one from a friend that had me laughing so hard, I was crying.

I realized something very important from this silly little email. And trust me, it was silly. But that's why I love this person. My friend believes in me. But more important than that, this person "gets" me enough to send me silly messages to convey that message in a way I understand far better than people's platitudes about how great I am. (And frankly, when I'm in this particular mood, such platitudes make me mad because I think I'm being lied to, as irrational as that sounds.)

Much of my depression today was about this whole question of where I belong. I've always been "the weird one." To be honest, I've never known where I fit in this whole scheme of life. As I've gone deeper into the writing journey, God's made it really clear that being a writer... that's where I "fit."

Over the past couple of months, I've been asked to give up some things to help fulfill this whole "purpose as a writer thing." Still not able to share it all publicly, so again, bear with me. It's hard to give up things that have been a part of your life for so long. It's hard to say no to things that actually make me feel like a normal human being. It's hard to give up on things I think will finally define me as just a regular gal. Those are the things I've wanted my whole life, and even though in some ways, I find a lot of satisfaction in them, they make me miserable.

I am not normal.

For me, normal is abnormal to the rest of the world. And even though I can recite the Bible verses about not being of this world until I'm blue in the face, I still struggle with my frustrations of not being normal. I wonder why I can't walk into a room and be like everyone else. So I struggle, trying to be the person God made me, and yet trying to walk this tightrope of trying to fit into a world where I don't belong.

It's exhausting.

And I think that's why God has asked me to walk away from some of those things. He knows it's not good for me. He didn't make me to be some kind of mime walking the streets in an imitation of life. If that's what He'd wanted, that's what He'd have made. Instead, He made ME.

I am wacky. I am crazy. I am silly. I am creative. I am an artist. I paint beautiful pictures with my words. I do not understand the way the "normal" world works, even though I fake it real well. And sometimes, like today, when I am forced to face all the things I'm doing wrong because they have absolutely nothing to do with my writing, it all comes crashing down and I want to hide in my hole for a few weeks.

But see, today... today I did things differently. I did not go take a nap. I cleaned my house. I let the kiddos drag the neighborhood kiddos over to play. I made a nice dinner. I let That Man take me shopping for a new camera, even though I really wanted to go to the mothership, BN. I finished my work. I ate a bowl of ice cream. And then...

I wrote.

Because see, God made me for some important things. I don't know what they are. It could be writing the Great American Novel that finally made everyone open their eyes to the truth. Or it could be raising the glittery princess who finally manages to blow up the world. Or it could be raising the cowgirl whose love of animals mimics the love of Christ. I don't know. But I've got to do my best to remember the path God put me on. And to follow it wherever it leads.

I find comfort knowing that these struggles are not in vain. I know that some of the folks reading my blog deal with the same issues. You guys are such an encouragement to me because I am reminded that I do fit. I belong right where God put me. Which is where each of you belong. If you're the creative artist type, it's okay. Be weird. Encourage your wacky friends. Send them emails about having your photos taken at a wild screaming match at Sean Penn's wild Arbor Day party. Rip your heart out and expose it to the world, offering it up as a sacrifice to the Lord. Do whatever silly (or normal... if that's your gig) thing you're supposed to do because God made you that way.

Finally, because I couldn't find a good place to slip it in unnoticed (but maybe it's supposed to stand out), I encourage any artist types who are struggling with their artist identity to read my friend Heather's blog. She's got some incredible posts that encourage and inspire me in my journey.

Maybe this time, as I try to figure out how to do things differently, I'll remember that the best answer may be to just not do it at all and to trust God.