Back on the wagon again...

[caption id="attachment_4236" align="alignleft" width="198"] photo courtesy of: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/african_fi[/caption]

My children are in school!!!!! This is me, dancing for joy. Um, okay, it's not REALLY me. I would not look good in that outfit, and I'm way too self conscious to do that sort of thing in front of others, let alone have my picture taken. Just saying.

And maybe I am jinxing myself here, since I actually am writing this the night before. But we are going to think really positive that the kids will be back in school and I will have my beloved schedule back!

I'm feeling really discouraged about my fitness level these days. Part of it is the realization that I gained instead of lost weight last year. Part of it is that my favorite jeans are not fitting the same (in a bad way). And part of it is that I know I need to be in better shape.

I abandoned my exercise program when the tendonitis in my hip got too bad. The doctor told me NOT to work out, so I didn't. But I'm feeling better, so now I have to get back on the wagon. To be honest, I've been waiting for them to go back to school until I started again. I have some great Kettlebell workouts (I'd say the name, but the last time I said it, I got tons of spam from them. Dudes, don't spam people that already have your system!) AND, I got a really fun Wii Just Dance game that I really like. I don't like doing them in front of my kids because I look stupid and they make fun of me. Actually, I don't like doing things like that in front of anyone.

To test my resolve, I logged back in to my haven't used in forever Sparkpeople account. I wasn't as horrified by the results as I thought I'd be. My calorie count was good, even though I ate like crap today, but I didn't get enough protein. And, I got to mark that I exercised since I did the dance workout while the kids were at piano. And, I drank the right amount of water. So I'm not being TERRIBLE. But it will feel good to get back into a routine and exercise again. Not that I like exercise. I hate it. But dancing is fun, and I kind of like the kettlebell thing.

How does your routine change when your kids go back to school?

 

This not making excuses thing...

They say that sometimes you have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired to finally do something. So in my great wisdom of realizing that I will never get in shape unless I just do it, I joined a gym.

Stop laughing.

Because not only did I join a gym, I've even used my membership.

I mean it. Stop laughing.

Because not only have I used it, but I purchased personal training sessions, and have been doing exactly what I've been told.

Now you may pick yourself off the floor.

It's been a hard week since I got back from conference. I can't believe I've already been home a week. I arrived at the conference with some weird allergy thing happening. Three days into the conference, I realized our beds and pillows were all feather. No wonder. I'm severely allergic to those things. So we switched it out. I started feeling good again. Then I hit the plane coming home. I was sooo tired. But, I figured it was due to lack of sleep at the conference. By the time I arrived home, I just didn't feel good. Figured it was fatigue.

I ended up sleeping almost all day last Tuesday. However, I had to get up for my first personal training appointment, and I wasn't going to miss it since I'd lose the money I spent because I didn't meet the 24 hour cancellation policy. My first massive workout in years and I feel like total crap. By the end of the evening, I realized huh, I bet I'm actually sick.

Wednesday, every muscle in my body hurt. I let myself rest, slept most of the day again, took good care of myself. I figured I probably had a virus, and did everything I could think of to get better.

Thursday, I woke up feeling great. I decided I'd probably had a small bug, but my soreness was from the workout. However, by noon, I was so worn out, I wanted to die. My apologies to the friends who were with me. Because, as I found out Friday at the doctor's, I was really sick.

Friday, I did my workout again. Not so much I wanted to, but because my friend who's been prodding me to workout and going with me as incentive to make me do it, said so. And I wanted to die. Which is when the doctor verified, that yup, I have a virus that's been going around and that my fatigue, dizziness, and headaches are all a part of it. Nothing I can do but rest.

Saturday, I still limited my activities. I started to realize that I feel good when I first get up, but by noon, I'm out of steam and need a three hour nap to get me through to bedtime.

Sunday, I worked out again. The nap thing was definitely helping.

Yesterday, I felt pretty good, so I increased my activity, started catching up on life, cleaned part of my house, and only needed an hour nap. Wahoo! I'm getting better!

Then I woke up today. I physically couldn't get out of bed, I was so tired, so sore, and so dizzy. Oops. So I slept in, got some rest, and yes, I made it to my appointment with my personal trainer. The man worked me so hard, I wanted to die. Still do, actually.

Why this whole listing of my very boring life of the past week? Well, because as I sat on my couch, berating myself for being so stupid as to work out while so sick, I realized something. Yes, being as sick as I am, I have a valid excuse to not work out. But because I have someone pushing me, and because I truly am tired of being out of shape, I'm doing it anyway. Plus, it occurred to me that there will always be an excuse. Not having enough time, enough money, etc.

Which has led to me to analyzing my other excuses in other realms. Are my reasons for doing or not doing things right now legitimate? Or can I push past my excuse and do it anyway? In some instances, I think I can rely a lot less on what I think I can do, and push on.

Except, of course, right now, I really need a nap.

Fighting my way up

My original intent on posting today was going to be a blog about how proud I was of myself- I wanted to share my good news about some minor, but important accomplishments, and then see what everyone else had done that was good so we could encourage each other.

And then, those irritating birds swooped in. If you've read my "Shoo!" post, you know exactly what I'm talking about here.

Today, I finished the edits on a book I've been wanting to submit forever. It's been ready to send, but I keep finding minor things I want to change/verify/etc. I made a commitment to submit it by the ACFW conference, so I've been pushing to get it done. I got to the point of putting the proposal together to send to my agent tonight.

As I looked up the entry for word count, I found a huge problem: I'm 12k over the allowed word count.

I know it sounds dumb, but I wanted to cry. Still do. I've worked so hard on this silly book, and you know what? I'm proud of it. I read it and think, wow, this is a good book, and I hardly ever do that. So here I am, 12K to cut and days away from reaching my goal. Talk about discouraging.

Today, I also did a very brave thing. My Nia class was getting too expensive, and I was tired of having to pay for it even when I missed. With my schedule, I'd been having a hard time making them all. So I bit the bullet and joined a gym that allows me flexibility to go to whatever classes I want, whenever I want. They don't have Nia, but I think it'll work fine.

Here's the brave part: I went to the gym for the first time today. Maybe it's stupid, since I thought I'd conquered that whole exercise class fear thing. But I was really terrified of going. It's like that fear chicken decided to pop right up and say, "BWAK!"

I did a yoga class. It wasn't too bad. I didn't look like an idiot. A lady was nice to me (but I was too chicken to ask her name or offer mine). And, the teacher even pointed me out as being a good example of having proper form on one of the poses.

AND I made an appointment with a personal trainer. Yup. I admitted to this barely out of high school buff guy all of my fears, anxieties, and desires for my physical fitness. Is it pathetic that my example is a guy in his 70's? My FIL was out climbing Macchu Picchu this summer. With the shape I'm in, it'd probably kill me.

I'm still not convinced that my sessions with Mr. Buff Young Enough To Be My Kid won't kill me, either, but I've always wanted to climb a mountain. And if I don't try, I never will.

Throughout the evening, though, all kinds of little stuff kept plopping down to steal my joy. I hate that I am working so hard to do all the right things, good things, and all these little headaches keep popping up. Some days, I really wish I could have an easy button. Or at least see the payoff for all of my hard work. Because I think that's where I'm struggling the most right now. I'm working so hard. And instead of encouragement, I get these silly little birds swooping in.

If there is a point to my whining and seemingly bi-polar day, it is this. I REFUSE TO QUIT. Yes, it is true that every time I feel like I'm walking in the right direction, I also feel like a million things are trying to drag me back down and keep me behind. But I'm going to choose to believe that it's only going to make me tougher, stronger, and more capable.

Someday, people will read the book I'm struggling with and have it do something really good in their lives. Someday, I'm going to stand on top of Long's Peak and revel in God's creation.

I want you to know about these struggles, because someday, when I do reach those goals, some people are going to look at those accomplishments and think, "wow, it was so easy for her. I can't do it because I'm not as (fill in the blank) as Danica is." And that's so far from the truth. I don't have it all together, and some days, it takes all the strength I have to even attempt to do the things I need to do. But if I stop, it'll all be for nothing. Which, to me, is far more depressing than continuing the fight.

Whatever your goals are, keep fighting. Keep shooing away those nasty little birds. And someday, we'll stand on the mountain together.

Plucking the Chicken of Fear Part 2

This must be the season of conquering fear. Last week, God asked me to confront one of my writing fears. This week, we (read He) decided to confront another fear.

Rewind to my whining about needing to lose weight and exercise more. My friend, the fabulous Kay Day, suggested at one point that we take a Nia class together.

This week, I saw a flyer for a FREE introductory Nia class at the local rec center as a teaser to join the session starting next week. Unfortunately, this class didn't work for Kay.

The real me does not like being around strangers. I do not like to exercise. And I REALLY do not like to exercise in front of other people. Without a friend there to hold my hand, no way was I going to some exercise class.

Then I heard the refrain of "Bwaaaaaaak."

Today, I went to the class. I spent the entire hour of this class feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and wondering why I skipped Panera for this. Then the thought hit me...

Why do I think that changing something as important as my fitness level is going to be easy? If it was going to be easy, I'd already be doing it. I thought about all the reasons why I wanted to get into shape.

I debated about registering for the class. I tried my no money excuse. Even tried the "it's my Panera time" excuse. But let's be honest here. I didn't want to endure another six weeks of being uncomfortable.

It wasn't awful, and as far as exercise goes, it's actually kinda fun. Still not my thing, still a place I will feel stretched about as far as I can be stretched. But I realized, as our instructor told us to purposely put ourselves in a place where we were off balance so that we could learn to develop balance, that's exactly what God is asking of me.

So I registered for the class. If I want to grow, I've got to be willing to pluck the chicken of fear and go to places where I know I'll be uncomfortable.

What about you? Is God challenging you to confront a fear or visit a place of discomfort?