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Friday, January 02, 2009

Just when you think you've whipped the mom thing into shape

I almost had a great mommy day.

Got up, fixed the kiddos eggs, cleaned up the house a bit, had the kids pick up some toys, and then told them to get dressed so we could run errands.

Proud mommy moment... little princess dresses herself in one of her princess dresses. Usually, I groan and say, "sorry honey, this isn't what I had in mind," and make her change. Not today. Not when I'm being good mommy. I decide to embrace her individuality and accept her for the bling bling princess she is. I even help her get her hair just right... as in super princess-y.

I'm telling you, I'm such a good mom.

We arrive at my FIL's, because I'm driving some friends down to the Springs tonight to visit a friend, and I thought I'd have him give the old car a once-over- check the tires, oil, etc. Don't want to kill my friends.

So then, little princess decides to climb the big cottonwood in his back yard. Personally, I'm not all that fond of my children climbing trees. That whole safety thing. But hubby thinks it's great and character building and all that. So I decide again, I'm going to be good mommy. I'm going to let go of my fears of my child breaking her neck, and I say nothing as she's climbing the tree in her princess dress and ballerina shoes.

Once she's about ten feet up, I notice something rather horrifying. She's not wearing underwear.

I call up to her and ask her, "why aren't you wearing underwear?"

"I didn't feel like it. And I couldn't find any princess ones."

Lovely. I'm now wondering if I have an adult entertainment star in the making. This, after I'd just told her that her name means pure. But, because I'm being good mommy, I embrace this aspect of her personality. She's only four. I can teach her that wearing underwear is a good thing, and help her to make sure she always has plenty of princess panties on hand. Or, I can just institute a mandatory underwear check.


We finish our errands, leaving the final chore: taking them to the library. Personally, I hate our library. It's very cold and uninviting. I really wish they'd make the children's section of libraries warm, fun, and interesting. Plus, it smells funny. Very unlibrarylike. But I digress.

So we walk the sidewalk towards the library. Princess is bouncing and skipping, because that, as my friend the preschooler teacher tells me, is what four year olds do. I'm trying to embrace this aspect of my princess, except with each bounce, her dress flies up, showing off her girl parts. So I very calmly, very politely, tell her that she must walk carefully and not let her dress fly up so no one can see what's underneath. And she semi complies.

We walk through the main library area into the children's area. The girls race off, ready to find their books. I'm trying to remain nonchalant about the fact that my daughter isn't wearing underwear. In public. I notice the librarian staring at my princess. I start to worry that she's flashed someone and we're going to be kicked out for indecent exposure.

As she sashayes into the next row, I realize something horrible. During the tree climbing expedition, she's torn the back of her dress. So regardless of how she walks or stands, everyone who can view her backside gets the view of a very bare butt, covered only by a wisp of very see-through fabric. Picture something mommy might wear for daddy at night. Yep. That's about what my daughter looked like from behind.

Good mommy got drop kicked to the other side of the universe. I grabbed the little one with one hand, scooped up enough loose material to cover her backside, and yelled... yes I yelled in the library... for my other daughter to hurry up and get over here. We raced through the library, grabbing random books for the kiddos to read so I could say that I kept my promise of going to the library and checking things out, and then we got the heck out of Dodge.

For the record, I am never again going to try to be good mommy. I am not going to understand the quirks of their personalities and I am not going to let them leave the house without making sure they are wearing something appropriate and that their girl parts are fully covered. Yes, underwear checks for all.

I should have taken pictures. By the time I'd overcome the horror that my daughter has flashed every little boy in the known world, thus forcing moms everywhere to have a certain talk with their sons before they were ready, we'd gone home, did not pass go, and put some bright yellow, you'll wear them princess or not, underwear on her little butt.

However, I will be telling this story to every prospective husband. Scratch that. Probably not the best thing for a guy to know about a girl he's looking to date. "Hey did you know that she doesn't like wearing underwear?" "Really? Cool!" Uh, no. Not cool. Not my daughter, thank you very much. But rest assured. This story will get out. And I will make sure to tell it in the most embarrassing place so she never, ever goes without underwear again!


Anonymous said...

OMG! That's ROFL funny! I enjoyed your writing style too!

Robbie Iobst said...

I am howling! This is a GREAT story! Thank you for the laughter!

Michele Cushatt said...

As a mother of three boys, I'm choosing not to share this one with the fam. Welcome to the not-good-mommy club. We're glad to have you! ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh, you crack me up!! You were a VERY good mommy to save her from the embarrassment that was sure to follow, somehow, someday, as someone saw and remembered at inappropriate times. But, yes, that story must be told and retold as a lesson to current and future generations.

Momstheword said...

Her siblings will be sure to bring that up at every family get-together forever.

Cheryl Wyatt said...


Oh...Oh...Oh...mysidehurtsfromlaughing! Oh my....hilarious. Especially that she left home w/o her drawers. ROFL.

Miss and love you! Been busy and gone. Will call you soon.



Anonymous said...

ROFL. Thanks for the laugh! Although I've never gone through the underwear thing with my daughter, I've become a charter member of the Not-Good-Mommy Club in oh-so-many other ways. Welcome to our ranks. :)

Janet Spaeth said...

I love this! What a hoot!

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Goodness.

I can completely see my own daughter doing this. Know what she used to do? When she was two---TWO, I tell you,--she would put her hand on her hip, cock it out, and say sweetly, "Pank my bottom?"

Porn star in the making. Dear God, help us.

Nike Chillemi said...

This is the funniest library story I've ever heard.