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Friday, September 10, 2010

Fighting my way up

My original intent on posting today was going to be a blog about how proud I was of myself- I wanted to share my good news about some minor, but important accomplishments, and then see what everyone else had done that was good so we could encourage each other.

And then, those irritating birds swooped in. If you've read my "Shoo!" post, you know exactly what I'm talking about here.

Today, I finished the edits on a book I've been wanting to submit forever. It's been ready to send, but I keep finding minor things I want to change/verify/etc. I made a commitment to submit it by the ACFW conference, so I've been pushing to get it done. I got to the point of putting the proposal together to send to my agent tonight.

As I looked up the entry for word count, I found a huge problem: I'm 12k over the allowed word count.

I know it sounds dumb, but I wanted to cry. Still do. I've worked so hard on this silly book, and you know what? I'm proud of it. I read it and think, wow, this is a good book, and I hardly ever do that. So here I am, 12K to cut and days away from reaching my goal. Talk about discouraging.

Today, I also did a very brave thing. My Nia class was getting too expensive, and I was tired of having to pay for it even when I missed. With my schedule, I'd been having a hard time making them all. So I bit the bullet and joined a gym that allows me flexibility to go to whatever classes I want, whenever I want. They don't have Nia, but I think it'll work fine.

Here's the brave part: I went to the gym for the first time today. Maybe it's stupid, since I thought I'd conquered that whole exercise class fear thing. But I was really terrified of going. It's like that fear chicken decided to pop right up and say, "BWAK!"

I did a yoga class. It wasn't too bad. I didn't look like an idiot. A lady was nice to me (but I was too chicken to ask her name or offer mine). And, the teacher even pointed me out as being a good example of having proper form on one of the poses.

AND I made an appointment with a personal trainer. Yup. I admitted to this barely out of high school buff guy all of my fears, anxieties, and desires for my physical fitness. Is it pathetic that my example is a guy in his 70's? My FIL was out climbing Macchu Picchu this summer. With the shape I'm in, it'd probably kill me.

I'm still not convinced that my sessions with Mr. Buff Young Enough To Be My Kid won't kill me, either, but I've always wanted to climb a mountain. And if I don't try, I never will.

Throughout the evening, though, all kinds of little stuff kept plopping down to steal my joy. I hate that I am working so hard to do all the right things, good things, and all these little headaches keep popping up. Some days, I really wish I could have an easy button. Or at least see the payoff for all of my hard work. Because I think that's where I'm struggling the most right now. I'm working so hard. And instead of encouragement, I get these silly little birds swooping in.

If there is a point to my whining and seemingly bi-polar day, it is this. I REFUSE TO QUIT. Yes, it is true that every time I feel like I'm walking in the right direction, I also feel like a million things are trying to drag me back down and keep me behind. But I'm going to choose to believe that it's only going to make me tougher, stronger, and more capable.

Someday, people will read the book I'm struggling with and have it do something really good in their lives. Someday, I'm going to stand on top of Long's Peak and revel in God's creation.

I want you to know about these struggles, because someday, when I do reach those goals, some people are going to look at those accomplishments and think, "wow, it was so easy for her. I can't do it because I'm not as (fill in the blank) as Danica is." And that's so far from the truth. I don't have it all together, and some days, it takes all the strength I have to even attempt to do the things I need to do. But if I stop, it'll all be for nothing. Which, to me, is far more depressing than continuing the fight.

Whatever your goals are, keep fighting. Keep shooing away those nasty little birds. And someday, we'll stand on the mountain together.

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