I am writing to offer my most humble apologies for the abuse I heaped upon your poor tired existence this afternoon. You see, while I thought it might be a good idea to exchange some of you for some muscle, I had no idea what such an endeavor entailed. To be sure, oh precious fat cells, when my husband suggested a short bike ride, my idea of a short bike ride in no way intersected with his. I would have been content to stop when you first began to complain. However, to have continued as far as we did constitutes nothing less than torture. For that, my beloved fat cells, I must beg your forgiveness.
I realize, of course, that you, my most treasured fat cells, that as I offer this vain attempt at apologizing to you, I still contemplate my life with more muscle instead of fat. You must think me quite the hypocrite. But I am sure that you also know my brownie-loving heart. For as long as I am capable of preparing the luxurious deep chocolate creations sitting on my counter, there will always be room in my body for fat cells. One cannot exist without the other. Still, I feel I must replace you with something leaner and healthier, as I've been accused one too many times by too many people of being pregnant. I'm tired of snapping people's heads off as I inform them, "No, I'm just getting fat." Hardly the way to win friends and influence people. Although they're not doing themselves any favors by inquiring as to my reproductive status. Should such status ever fall upon our family again, I promise to wear a t-shirt proclaiming the uh, joyous news.
So, most adored fat cells, can we find some common ground? Is there a way we can peacefully coexist? Can we find a way to reduce the degree to which you protrude? Will you help me fit into my jeans again? More to the point, could you please cease complaining with your stabbing pains to my rear end? The fact of the matter is that my rear end is already troubled by the man and children in my life and I certainly need no further pain in my backside.
I appreciate your kind consideration in this most grievous matter. As a peace offering, I most gratefully offer you another fine specimen of chocolate.
Thank you ever so much,