Enough

Okay, those of you who read my other blog know that I am currently reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I just finished reading it and WOW! Women, I seriously think you need to get and read this book. In fact, I'm *this* close to getting the guided journal and doing a study on it. Anyone up for joining me?

I also answered my Todd Agnew debate last night. Fullness found is definitely my favorite song. :) I wonder if I'll pop up on search engines for Todd now... hmmm? Good. It's definitely better than the folks who are here looking for the porn star (remember, I've given birth twice-me naked is like watching a horror flick-I am NOT the porn star)

I'm digressing again.

I finished the book today, and the biggest message that resonated with me was the idea of being enough. That we, as women, have come to believe that we're not enough. I realized that is exactly my deal. I chase after a lot of stuff. Some of it good, some of it not so good, and some of it, I'm just not so sure. I realized I do need to take a step back and re-evaluate some of my priorities, the things I've placed at the head of what Danica thinks is important in life.

I just... I don't know. As most of you have figured out, I'm a pretty intense perfectionist. And it's stymied me in a lot of things. See, that's what's behind the fear. Why am I dragging my feet at submitting a perfectly good book? A book that while few have read, everyone seems to think is going to top the bestseller lists? Cuz I am freaking scared. Because if I submit that book, and God forbid, it gets rejected (again), it just re-affirms to me that I am not good enough. What the heck that has to do with anything, I don't know. I just know that's how I've felt my whole life. For some reason, this book means enough to me that I've been afraid to take that risk. It doesn't matter that I'm putting myself out when the book doesn't matter. But damn... here I am, writing about stuff that means something, and I'm paralyzed.

And see, that's just it. That's where I need to just let go. This is not about me. I'm making it about me, but it's really not about me. Because the books I'm writing, they aren't for me. They're for the people out there who need to read them.

So what does this all have to do with all the stuff I'm reading, crap I'm sorting through, etc. Ultimately, I fear that what I have to say, as much as *I* think the world needs to hear it, what if it's not enough? What if I take all those risks and I fall short of my aims? Because what it boils down to, what it means to ME, is that I have no real purpose here, no real worth.

As I read Captivating, I realized what a complete and utter lie that is. Somewhere, somehow, something, someone, made me believe that crap. And that, my friends, is what it is. CRAP.

God has made me an amazing woman. Not because I'm anything all that great, but because I am HIS. He has great plans for me. And you know, it's so funny, I sat down tonight, perfectly ready and willing to break open that big vast space of ick, get it out on paper (and yes, put in THE BOOK), but after I prayed over it, and prayed the prayer in Captivating, it's gone. I just don't have the hurt anymore.

Now, I'd like to say the fear is gone... we're working on it. As I prayed and read, I felt this huge tightness well up in my chest... that maybe I'm going to fail God (but the words of Beth Moore echoed in my head-He will NEVER fail me)... that I'm going to take all these risks and not succeed... that in the things that matter the most, I will be rejected. But the Eldredges point out one verse, over and over... "Do not give way to fear" (I Pet. 3:6). Interestingly, the new memory verse Bay and I are learning together is Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Even more interesting/providential, our previous verse was Philippians 4:13.

All of the things I fear-they are lies. And I renounce those lies in my life.

Friends, I don't know what you're dealing with in your lives. Okay, so in some of your lives, I do. But can I just say that whatever it is that you are fearing, those thoughts that whatever you're doing is not enough, they are lies. Lies. Remember my previous post on BNet? (Yes, sad to say, I am keeping both until I decide what I really want to do. But hey, at least Eve doesn't have to deal with the smileys if she doesn't want). We are God's crowning touch.

I'm leaving you with Fullness Found by Todd Agnew. I've played it like um, I don't know, however many times over and over for the past three hours is... each time, a different line jumps out and speaks to me. (Oh, and just one of my other shallow observations, he's got such a low (but awesome) voice that I can't sing along because I can't get that low and I'm not musically talented/knowledgable enough to raise it an octave or whatever. Pisses me off. LOL)

Fullness found by Todd Agnew

I've been walking around this world for some time
And I've found that there are quite a few things to see
Physcial, emotional, intellectual stimulations
But at the core I found them empty, empty

I've been trying so many things to fill me
But every one has left me wanting
And every answer left me with more questions
Every road ended empty, empty

For every emptiness, a fullness may be found
For every lie there's something true
And for this broken cup that's quickly leaking water
There is a fullness found in you, found in you

I've been working hard at what I thought was useful
But my hands are so small next to Yours
I've been trying to learn all that I thought would make me wise
But I just found vanity and lies
Until You opened my eyes and I saw

I thought everything was meaningless
But now I've found that's not true
Who am I to doubt the good in things
When all goodness comes from You
From You, My God