Being satisfied

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with a friend I hadn't seen in a few years and meet her husband. She kept going on and on about her new home and how wonderful it was. I was excited for her, to see that after years of struggle, she was finally living her dream. I couldn't wait to see this amazing home that she couldn't stop talking about. She drove me through some beautiful country, past enormous beautiful homes, then turned down a little lane into...

A trailer park.

We pulled up in front of an old dilapidated trailer. When I described it to a friend, she made the comment to the extent of, "so basically we're talking aqua appliances and pink toilets." Um, no. Think older.

Her amazing house is a single wide trailer, two bedrooms, one bathroom, and you can see a lot of places where frankly, it's falling apart. She escorted me into the living room, cleared off some papers from a chair that she proudly told me they pulled out of a dumpster, and they invited me to sit. After all, it was the best seat in the house.

I'll be honest. At first, I was a bit disgusted. The place was rundown and dirty. She made a comment about how I don't keep a very clean house, so she didn't think I'd mind that she hadn't picked things up, but let me just say that I have never allowed my home to get that dirty. When I left, I was picking dirt and fuzz and hair off my clothes and I honestly have no idea where it came from.

But what do you say? She was so happy, so proud, and it hit me. I'm a big meanie. Who am I to judge how she lives? It may not be the home I'd want for myself, but she loves it. Later, we were talking and her husband made the comment that someday they'd like a real house with a real yard. But for now, they own this house. It's completely paid off. They pay utilities, HOA for the trailer park, and get this... $50 a year in property taxes. As he put it, they have everything they need. Why, then, would they go into debt for something else?

I left their home feeling almost envious. They didn't need a big house, nice things, or any of the other "stuff" society tells us is important. They were happy enough without. With the current financial crisis, I can't help but think that this couple is the wisest couple I know. They haven't bought into the lie of bigger being better. They haven't bought into the lie of buy now, pay later. They accept what they have with utter gratitude.

Last night, I chatted with a friend who shared her thoughts on the financial crisis. She and I prepare taxes for folks who live in McMansions, making less money than we do. I've griped in past blogs about people who make less money than we do, who drive fancy cars, wear nice clothes, and have all this "stuff". They also have a lot more debt. As I told my friend, I'm actually surprised the crisis didn't happen sooner, and that it's not a lot worse. But maybe we haven't seen the worst yet.

I know, pessimistic thinking. But honestly, what did we expect? At some point, the buy now, pay later philosophy demands to get paid.

My friend Kay has a great post talking about how we got into this mess. She also links to a great article. So check it out.

I've had to take a long, hard look lately at what it means to be satisfied. We just bought a bigger house last summer (for the record, our mortgage is almost the same as it was with the old house... that was intentional). But honestly, as much as I gripe about not having enough space, we do not need five bedrooms and four bathrooms. Really, given that much of the world lives with barely a roof over their head, I could probably make do with a lot less.

The reality is, we've replaced God with stuff. And because stuff is not God, we're never going to be satisfied as long as our goals and dreams revolve around stuff. As much I think some sort of bailout needs to happen for the sake of the country, we need to get real and realize that the only thing that's going to save us is to jump off this roller coaster and stop spending money we don't have on stuff we don't need.

Crikeys!!

I know, talk about long time no blog. My most humble apologies. ACFW kept me running and then I ended up with a nasty virus. I came online to work and that's about it. And okay, I admit, I played a little Crackrat. But that's because it's mostly mindless and all I had to do was click the little buttons to get my points and cards.

Soo... here I am... returning from a long (well, seemingly so) absence from my beloved blog.

Tell me, what have I missed in the blogosphere? Any posts I need to hunt down and re-read?

Interview with Camy Tang: Single Sashimi

Speaking of time with great friends, I've gotten to spend some time at the ACFW conference with my good friend, Camy Tang, and talk about her latest release, Single Sashimi.

1. What's the story behind Single Sashimi?

Here’s the back cover blurb:

Drake Yu. Why would Drake call her after … what, five years? Six?

Venus heard in his voice that resonance that was almost a growl, that titanium-hard determination to get what he wanted. And he usually got what he wanted. The voice said: “I want you to work for me.”

Not this time… If it was a choice between Drake and McDonald’s—she’d choose french fries. She’d never work for him again. It would take an act of God.

Venus Chau is determined to start her own game development company and launch the next Super Mario-sized phenomenon. However, she needs an investor to back her idea. When Drake Yu, an old nemesis, approaches Venus with a contracting opportunity at his sister’s startup, the offer to become Chief Operating Officer tempts Venus to think the unthinkable.

Venus would rather throw away her PS3 than work for Drake again … except Grandma bribes Venus to do this favor for Drake’s wealthy family with a coveted introduction to the most respected investor in the game industry. It’s also a short job—only a few months—so Venus won’t have to stand Drake’s presence for very long.

But one wild youth group, a two-faced assistant, and Grandma’s determined match-making threaten to make them both fail—or go insane. With the encouragement of her three cousins, Lex, Trish, and Jennifer, Venus discovers that even a wounded heart can undergo a beautiful transformation …


2. How'd you learn so much about the video game stuff for the book?

A friend of mine, Stephanie Quilao, who runs the popular Back in Skinny Jeans blog (http://backinskinnyjeans.com/), used to work for Nvidia, a company that makes all kinds of things related to video graphics and gaming. She gave me the idea because of the things she told me about the video game industry.

Then a fellow youth staff worker at my church got me in touch with his sister who happens to know everyone on the planet. She got me in touch with a few engineers who work in video game companies—one is a programmer, the other is a designer. They helped me with all the nitty gritty stuff, basically creating Venus’s Spider program.

3. What was the best part about writing the book?

I absolutely love Venus. I wish I could be her. And writing Drake was just too cool. He ended up being more sexy than I expected him to turn out. So writing their scenes was a lot of fun.

4. What do you hope readers take away from this story?

That there is hope for control freakazoids like me and Venus. Oh, you mean something meaningful? That God really is in control, and that there is hope for control freakazoids like me and Venus.

5. What's the one thing you wish people would ask you because you're dying to give an answer, and what is that answer?

Why is your dog Snickers a butthead?

We really don’t know, except that she came that way from the Humane Society. She is very friendly toward people but she has a problem with dogs. Any dogs. If they’re small dogs, she sees them as prey. If they’re big dogs, she wants to pick a fight. She’s messed up in the head. But she’s very cute and we love her anyway.

Thanks for having me here, Danica!

Camy Tang writes romance with a kick of wasabi. She used to be a biologist, but now she is a staff worker for her church youth group and leads a worship team for Sunday service. She also runs the Story Sensei fiction critique service. On her blog, she gives away Christian novels every Monday and Thursday, and she ponders frivolous things like dumb dogs (namely, hers), coffee-geek husbands (no resemblance to her own...), the writing journey, Asiana, and anything else that comes to mind. Visit her website at http://www.camytang.com/ for a huge website contest going on right now, giving away ten boxes of books and 30 copies of her latest release, SINGLE SASHIMI.

Thursday Thirteen #61: Travel edition

Thirteen Things Travel Edition For those of you who don't know, I'm in Minneapolis, at the ACFW Conference. Great times, great times. 1. I've been super stressed for the past week over everything I had to do to get ready, and I was positive I was forgetting something. 2. Now, I really don't care. Whatever it is, it'll work out. 3. However, I am super tired. Too many late nights and early mornings lately. Scary for the first day of the conference. I skipped out on part of a session to take a nap. 4. Airport funny: They called our flight to board, and I started rummaging through my purse, looking for, not my boarding pass, which was in my hand, but my car keys. To the surprise of my fellow passengers, I triumphantly pulled them out only to realize with great embarrassment that um, I don't need them. Blaming lack of sleep on that one. 5. It's really hard to use my laptop to write on the plane when the person in the seat in front of me decides to recline. 6. I did, however, get six or seven pages written. (Let's not discuss the fact that after Camy and I brainstormed last night, I've since realized that I'll need to delete an entire chapter in the beginning.) 7. Another funny freakout moment: I'm at the hotel, and I notice they have a giftshop. The sign says, "Minnesota gifts." My thought: why on earth would they have a Minnesota gift shop in... oh yeah, I guess I am in Minnesota. 8. Why is it that when TSA chooses to rifle through your belongings, that they cannot at least put things back the way they found them? 9. Despite the fact that I have a wifi card, I can never get the hotel wifi. I always have to hardwire in. 10. I LOVE that many airports now have free wireless, which I can get with no trouble. 11. After you've been to so many conferences, it all begins to have a very familiar routine. I kinda like that. 12. Meeting new friends from all over the world is such a joy and blessing. 13. But the greatest blessing of traveling all over the place for conferences and things is getting to see your most beloved friends. There's just not enough time, but it sure is precious when you get to spend it with them.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Fighting the grumpies

So we've all figured out I'm in a bad mood, right? I've been in this funk pretty much all week. I don't WANT to be in a bad mood, and I keep trying to NOT be in a bad mood, but the grumpies keep taking over. I keep trying to see the upside of things, I keep trying to do the right thing, and it feels like this dark cloud hanging over me just gets heavier and heavier.

This morning, I called my beloved Squirly and before I even said anything she said, "I'm so glad you called, is everything okay with you? You've been heavy in my heart and I've been praying for you." So we talked for a while, and it was so wonderful to hear her voice. In just five more days, I'm going to get a big hug and some huge squeals of delight outta that girl.

I love that I have friends who still love me even when I'm fighting the grumpies.

My husband read my blog this morning and called me in a panic... "What's wrong? I read your blog."

Nothing's wrong. I'm just grumpy.

I'm fighting it, or at least trying to. So in my effort to fight the grumpies, I've worked extra hard to be extra nice to people. Thus far, it has consistently backfired. My attempts to add humor to my friends' lives? Completely taken the wrong way. I actually spent this morning emailing back and forth with the same person apologizing, then re-apologizing for apologizing, etc.

So I give up!

I'm not going to try to be nice to anyone. I'm not going to apologize to anyone else. I'm not going to pretend I'm not in a bad mood. And I'm not even going to try to figure out why.

I am what I am. Today, I am grumpy. Maybe tomorrow, I will be happy again. But today, we're just going to accept me and say, "I love you anyway."

I am never being nice again

NEVER.

Thursday Thirteen #60: The Dumps

Thirteen Things about The Dumps Lots of dumps in my life right now... some literal, some figurative... 1. My house. It's beyond gross. 2. Family... sick and getting over colds. 3. It's been really cloudy lately. 4. Did I mention it's getting cold? 5. College kiddo is dealing with some rough things. 6. I've got so much to do, I'm overwhelmed. 7. Why doesn't my monthly come gift wrapped in pretty paper like it does on commercials? Because this sucks. 8. I have a weird sinus thing going on. 9. I'm tired for no particular reason. 10. My dog won't stop barking. 11. No school today. Again. What's up with that? They start two weeks early so they don't have to go one day a week? 12. I have to teach a class tonight. 13. I need to buy some jeans that fit.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Something Powerful

I've been reading the Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, and I've decided I've finally found the perfect spokesperson to my own personal theology.

"There is a myth flourishing in the church today that has caused incalculable harm: once converted, fully converted. In other words, once I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, an irreversible, sinless future beckons. Discipleship will be an untarnished success story; life will be an unbroken upward spiral toward holiness."

Wow... Can I just raise my hand here and say that I've been one of those? Thinking that there was something wrong with me because I haven't suddenly crossed over that invisible barrier turning me into the perfect Christian. I've struggled with wondering why I haven't "gotten it" yet, and why it seems like for every step forward I take, I end up making a thousand giant leaps back.

Manning continues with, "Tell that to poor Peter who, after three times professing his love for Jesus on the beach and after receiving the fullness of the Spirit at Pentecost, was still jealous of Paul's apostolic success."

I love reading stories in the Bible where our heroes mess up. Not because I rejoice in the failure of others, but because I know that even the most perfect Christians aren't perfect.

As Manning says, "the Christ-encounter did not transfigure me into an angel. Because justification by grace through faith means I have been set in right relationship with God, not made the equivalent of a patient etherized on a table."

I have to say, this above all gives me the most hope. Jesus gave us the opportunity for a relationship with Him, not a brainwashing to turn us into little Jesus robots. If He'd wanted that, He'd have done it. We'd all be perfect little Jesus clones running around the planet, doing all the good things we're supposed to do. But it doesn't work that way. Relationship means that sometimes we do it right, sometimes we get it wrong, and together we work it out.

Isn't God cool?

Thursday Thirteen #59: Why I like Sarah Palin

Thirteen Things about why I like Sarah Palin I know, *gasp*, I never get political or talk politics on my blog. However, I happened across her speech last night, and I have to say, I was impressed. Here's why: 1. Going to make a lot of Hillary comparisons here, so here's the first. As far as I can see, she is the complete anti-Hillary. Where Hillary is cold, grasping, and someone I absolutely cannot relate to, Sarah is warm, genuine, and I can relate to her. 2. She's funny. Some of the commentary I heard talked about how they were turned off by her sarcasm. I disagree. I thought it showed she actually had a personality, as opposed to most of the politicians out there, who I think are made of wax. 3. Love this line: "We met in high school, and two decades and five children later he's still my guy." 4. Her smiles seem genuine. Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me, the fake smiles of most politicians make me sick. 5. Another great quote: "I was just your average hockey mom, and signed up for the PTA because I wanted to make my kids' public education better." The reason this impresses me is that I was a political science/history major in college. My favorite prof used to say that his ideal presidential candidate was one who wasn't looking for the job. I believe that while Palin obviously wants the job, she didn't go looking for political power. Contrast that to Hillary, who has made her quest for power very obvious. In my opinion (and something that my prof and I always discussed), it's the people who seek power who are the most dangerous to a democracy. 6. More evidence of how she's not power hungry: "I'm not going to Washington to seek their good opinion - I'm going to Washington to serve the people of this country. Americans expect us to go to Washington for the right reasons, and not just to mingle with the right people." AMEN! 7. This, I think, is the great irony of the election: "Sudden and relentless reform never sits well with entrenched interests and power brokers. That's why true reform is so hard to achieve." We always think that the Democrats are the ones who push for reform. Certainly, in this present age, we often think of the Democrats as those who seek to shake up the political status quo. But in this election, if McCain/Palin win, the Republicans are going to do it. And I, for one, am very much looking forward to it. 8. "Our opponents say, again and again, that drilling will not solve all of America's energy problems - as if we all didn't know that already. But the fact that drilling won't solve every problem is no excuse to do nothing at all." This highlights my biggest problem with government in general. If we can't solve all the problems we sit and debate it rather than do something that will ease it. I like the fact that she's got the attitude of "let's do something until we can totally fix it." 9. "We've all heard his dramatic speeches before devoted followers. And there is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform - not even in the state senate." Now... I don't know how true this is, and this will be something I'm researching. However, given that many of the attacks on Palin are her inexperience, I think it really makes me think about whether or not Obama is experienced enough to lead a country. I appreciate that she's given me this to research and think about. 10. "Our nominee doesn't run with the Washington herd. He's a man who's there to serve his country, and not just his party. A leader who's not looking for a fight, but is not afraid of one either." Again, rousing applause from me. My friend and I were talking about McCain the other day and how he doesn't consistently fall in line with the Republicans. Neither does Palin. And you know, that's what I want in a leader. Someone willing to look at what's best for the country, not necessarily what's best for the party. 11. Her family. She's got a beautiful family. I'm frustrated that some of the attacks on her are about whether or not she can be a competent leader given that she's got a young family. Um... hello? Did anyone say that about JFK? He had babies in the White House. Was he unable to do his job because of it? The reality of what I see in Sarah Palin is that she is a regular mom, struggling to raise her kiddos just like the rest of us, who, just like the rest of us, wants to hand our children a better world than what we were given. And she will be in a tremendous position to do so. 12. Her daughter's pregnancy. I know, weird thing to say here, but you know? I respect her for how she's handling it. She didn't lie or make excuses. The fact of the matter is, as much as you try to raise your kids right, they make their own choices. And as a mom, you have to just love them through it and do what's best. To me, the example of having a mother with less than perfect kids, traveling through life, trying to figure it out with the rest of us, that's the kind of person who represents me. 13. This promise... this is what I will hold her to if they're elected: "But we are expected to govern with integrity, good will, clear convictions, and ... a servant's heart. I pledge to all Americans that I will carry myself in this spirit as vice president of the United States." Truly, my hope, and my prayer, is that every leader in America would be willing to make this promise- and keep it.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Stuff!!

So... I had my day with the Lord. It was nice. But can I just gripe a typical American gripe? I got nothing productive done! House, still a mess. Laundry, still in a basket in the family room. Projects that are due piling up like crazy.

Monday, I worked my tail off. Some Labor Day. I labored. For one of my many jobs, it was the first of the month, so I had to do all my updates that are due on the first, but in a lot of cases, I can't get them done until the first because content isn't available until then. I also got an email from the guy overseeing the textbook I'm writing to say I needed to add something to what I'd written rather than have a supplement. Okay... Then we had a family BBQ. Then we had to get kiddos ready for school. I finally threw in the towel at 9, took a bath, and read a not-very-satisfying-why-did-I-waste-an-hour-of-my-life-on-this book.

So today, I got up, raced to get folks ready for school, dropped small one off at the school, met the new teacher who freaked out because she didn't know us (and this is my problem, why? Read the roster!), and worried the entire way to WFTJ because I have so much to do and I have no idea how I'm going to get it done.

At WFTJ, I warned them I'd be multitasking. I finished the changes to the portion of the textbook that was urgent. I set some goals. I committed to checking in with my friend Karen to stay accountable with my writing. And of course, WFTJ was as informative and uplifting as always.

Then, we went to lunch. More good times. I've missed my weekly lunches with my writing buddies. We got ready to leave, and my friend Jan mentioned she was going to write. Which was also my plan. I've decided I can't let the stress of the to-do list and my overcommitment prevent me from writing. My writing time is my writing time. Period. So we went to write. You can read her blog to find out what happened. I would just like to point out that I did NOT play Crackrat, I actually wrote and got about ten pages done. So there.

I raced home to meet the eldest kiddo, we spent time together, worked on her homework, I cleaned the kitchen, threw in a load of laundry, finished some work leftover from yesterday (and I only have a few more things to catch up on, YAY!), searched for a library book that is still missing, and am getting ready to pick up youngest kiddo, drop off the library books due today, grab a bite to eat, then head to church.

And in the midst of this, I have to ask... is all this piling up because I took a day off? It sure looks like it. However, I'm going to make a bold assertion and say that I think taking that day to relax and be filled by the Lord has given me the strength to do all of this and more. I have so much stuff to do. And yes, part of my quest in the coming months is to cut out a lot of the stuff and focus on what's important.

Here's the thing, though... I can't keep waiting on the stuff to go away to make time for what's important. I have to do it now. Which means God has to come first. Family has to be a close second. Writing third. And the rest can fall into line after that. Someday is never going to come. Not in the way I think it will. So I have to learn to prioritize now and make it all fit in.

A day with the Lord.

Today's been an interesting day for me. Mostly spent in fellowship with the Lord. I haven't done that in some time. I woke up after having a bizarre dream that had absolutely nothing to do with anything (I think... someone I dislike had an affair with another friend's husband. Any interpretations?). I'd planned on doing something nice for the family, to make breakfast for us to eat together, which we haven't done in some time.

I did the usual, cooked, cleaned, and ate with them, and then... I just felt like I missed Him. So I caught up on a book I'd been reading, Desiring God by John Piper, started Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel, played around in my Bible, listened to some good worship music, and just enjoyed myself.

With the exception of the time I took to read one novel (about 1 1/2 hours) and the time I took to clean up or make meals, I spent the entire day with the Lord. For some people, this is a regular thing. For me, I'm usually too busy, too stressed, and so it doesn't happen. Or it happens in a small amount and I content myself with that. But today, I gave Him the whole day. And it was wonderful.

Except He spent a lot of time working on my heart and a lot of issues. Things that will probably be coming out in later blogs. So beware...

Thursday Thirteen #58: Back to School Resolutions

Thirteen Things about Back to School Resolutions We're two weeks into school and I feel like we're still in summer slacker mode. I have basically a week and a half and then I'm back teaching. I started looking at our schedule and it looks pretty scary. M,W,F, Sat, we have soccer. M, TH, I teach. Tues is church. Last night, my intention of making a nice dinner of salmon, quinoa, and veggies turned into making a run for the border to wolf down dinner to get to curriculum night in time. So, as I sat stressing about everything we have to do, I thought, why not make some back to school resolutions? 1. Just because there is no reasonable expectation that we will eat dinner as a family most nights doesn't mean I can't make dinner and leave it warming on the stove for when the crew trickles in. 2. Having dinner for the family means I need to actually start planning dinner, rather than the mad dash to the store at 5:00. 3. Homework starts next week. So that means setting aside regular time to work on what sounds like will be ongoing projects. 4. Next week, with school starting for the little one, I get my Panera time back. Which means dedicated no-excuse writing time. 5. Okay, I admit it. I feel better when I exercise. So I will get up and exercise in the mornings. 6. Ditto for breakfast. Kiddo's lunch is an hour later this year, so I need to make sure she has breakfast foods she will eat. Plus, I'll admit to feeling better if I eat breakfast too. 7. While we're on the topic of things that make me feel better, I found the Bible study I was working on in the spring and am committed to continue working through it. 8. I'm going to spend more time reading with the littlest one. Not that it's a contest or anything, but I couldn't believe how much my friend is required to read to her preschooler for the program she's in. We're definitely not that disciplined, and she likes reading. 9. Somehow, we'll figure out how to continue our weekly library trips. The kiddos love it. 10. The kiddos get a lot of weird days off this year. I'm going to take advantage of the time off and do good things with them, like go to the zoo. 11. I'm going to make sure we all get our vitamins. As busy as we are, we need them. 12. I'm not going to stress about the little things, like the fact that the little one always leaves the house with unmatched socks. 13. Mostly, though, I'm going to give myself a break. If it doesn't all come together perfectly, that's okay.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

What are you willing to sacrifice?

So obviously God is bringing me through a time of testing and challenging my beliefs. Last night, of course, we dealt with my whole workaholic nature. Not that it's fixed, but God's got me there wrestling with it.

Tonight at church, our pastor talked about how our God is a dangerous God. When you make the choice to follow God, and you ask Him to do something in your life, the risk is that He just might make you do it. Ad it may not exactly be the easiest thing in the world to do.

The reason I share this is not to give you a sermon recap, but to tell you something that has profoundly impacted me. See, tonight was a bittersweet night. We celebrated the 11th anniversary of our church. In addition, he announced something I've known for a while, but well, I was not prepared to hear from his lips. He and his family are leaving our church to move to Mozambique and follow their mission calling.

This is a hard, but joyous thing for me. His wife, Amy, is one of my closest friends. She has meant so much to me, I honestly can't imagine my life without her nearby. And yet, I am so thrilled for her that she's getting to do it. To follow her calling and stretch herself beyond anything she's ever done.

In tonight's message, Dave challenged us to think of what it means to serve a dangerous God. I started thinking about what that looked like in my life. At first, I thought a lot about how the reality of my life is that I often try to tame God. I often say, "YES! I want to follow God's calling. Oh, but, this is what I'll do to follow it, 'kay, God?" For a minute or two, I was jealous of Amy's bravery. Of being able to give up everything familiar, everything she loved, and just go.

I wondered if I was really doing that in my life... have I really followed the road of my calling, of the dangerous God, or am I just playing it safe?

Last week, I received a disappointment in my writing journey. Not a rejection. Not a redirection, but the news that the editor I've dreamed of working with will no longer be in her current position. I was heartbroken, because she is one of my favorite people, and I respect her so much. And now we won't be able to work together.

I called my compadres and bemoaned my fate, questioning whether or not this is what God wanted for me. My writing journey has not been an easy one. Three years ago, I made a heart wrenching decision to follow God with my writing. It meant saying no to a New York agent, not submitting requested books to big name New York editors and houses, not submitting books to another editor I like and respect, and pretty much disappearing off the writing radar. Would I have made it big time? Who knows? But I made the decision to give it up because God asked me to. I stopped submitting, stopping pursuing what had been a huge dream for me for a long time. He started giving me direction, and I started listening.

So here I am, in a season where I thought God was saying yes to my writing dream, and despite a lot of really cool things, I have this speed bump. As I thought and prayed about it, God said something to me... "you've trusted me this far, will you continue to trust me?"

The only answer I could give, the answer I have been giving for three years, was yes.

Tonight, though, I had to look at it again... am I taming God? Am I playing it safe? And really, truly, are my writing dreams and the path I am taking in following them, am I doing it with the heart of God in my sight?

Truthfully, I don't have an answer. I'd like to think I'm following God. I've stopped writing for publication, changed genres, started writing again, chosen a more difficult path to publication than I needed to, and I'm still waiting. Still trusting. And still asking if I'm following Him or me. Inside I feel like a great big chicken. And I truly can't tell you anything other than what the journey's looked like so far, and the questions I still ask.

What are you willing to sacrifice? Everything? Or just what feels safe to give up?

Like I said, I don't know the answer. I'm still figuring that out for myself. I'm not sure there is an answer, except that we should keep asking, keep seeking, and keep following, even if we don't entirely know where we're headed.

Being valuable

I have a group of girlfriends, we call ourselves the bat girls. My bat girl friends are an important support group for me. We live all over the world and work hard to get together in person when we can. I met the bat girls at a time in my life when I was feeling a little lost. But they took me in and became my friends and showed me a lot about Christ's love. Not one of us are perfect. Together, though, we just sort of fit. Each one brings a different piece of the body together and as a whole, well, we are the body.

Today, one of the bat girls sent out a bat-beacon because she's depressed over a lot of things. I sat there, praying for her, telling her what I could to encourage her, letting her know that she is so precious to the King. As I wrote, God started talking to me, asking me, "what makes you so different from her?"

Huh?

For those of you who don't know this about me, I'm a workaholic. I have so many things going on and projects that keep popping up. I recently sent out a prayer request because I was asked to take on another project that frankly, I don't want to do. And I honestly can't figure out a way to say no. I've had so many wonderful folks say, "just say no."

But they don't get it.

When people need me to do things, it makes me valuable. When they say, "hey, can you help with this," I always say yes. I never knew why, I just figured that I'm the helpful sort of girl who likes to lend a hand. And I am. But I'm also a scared little girl who has this messed up version of identity that says if I don't have enough notches on my scorecard of stuff I've done, I'm not valuable.

I've always been the overachiever. Looking back, I know it was because people in my life only treated me with value if I was accomplishing something good. And with each accomplishment, it set the bar higher. I got out of that dangerous cycle, or so I thought.

Then here I am, trying to make this decision, and I'm praying for my bat girl friend because my heart is just broken that she can't see what a beautiful, amazing person she is... and God smacked me one. I do not have to do all the stuff I'm doing to be valuable. I do not have to say yes to this project. I do not have to have a clean house, be the perfect friend, be the perfect mom, win any awards, get the contracts, say the right things, etc.

Through my bat girl friend's struggle, God showed me how I am still using a messed up standard for my life. I can tell everyone around me that God loves them just as they are, and I fully believe that with all my heart. But boy, I really messed up in applying that to my life.

Lord, thank you so much for putting people like the bat girls in my life. Thank you for allowing me to have contact with other parts of my body that are constantly revealing to me where I still need to have my vision adjusted. And thank you for giving me friends who are willing to be transparent in their lives so you can reveal places in mine that need work.

And for those of you who struggle with this, please know you are not alone. And know that God really does love you, just as you are. You are valuable. And so am I.

Thursday Thirteen #57: Work at home mom edition

Thirteen Things about being a work at home mom As many of you know, I have a few jobs I do from home. And, as it seems, continually counting. I was going to rant about this the other day when yet another person suggested that I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time. And then I thought it'd make a perfect Thursday Thirteen. 1. As mentioned above, people assume I have nothing better to do with my time than work on what they need me to do: NOW. Only problem is that just like in their jobs, I have deadlines, too. So when I take a couple hours to do what you need me to do, that means I stay up a couple hours later at night to finish my work. 2. People who work in an office can't do laundry while working. This might be a no-brainer, except for a work at home mom, she not only can do laundry while working, but she has to balance actually getting work done with the expectation that she should do laundry while working. (Huh. When was that on the job interview questionnaire?) 3. People who work in offices don't have to listen to, "Mom! I'm bored," all day while working. 4. The best business related phone call I had was when my boss called and my daughter informed her that I was in the bathroom, and exactly what I was doing in the bathroom. 5. Without OSHA breathing down my neck, breaks happen when they happen. Roughly translated, this means never. 6. It is amazing how many distractions there are: laundry, dishes, fixing dinner, screaming kids, the dog, etc. Try taking your household to work for a day and see how well it lasts. 7. Lest I sound too much like I'm complaining, my work day starts when I want it to. Generally, this means rolling out of bed when I wake up and firing up my computer while still in my jammies. Unless, of course, I have a meeting and have to be up at a certain time. 8. Conference calls aren't nearly as boring at 75 mph on the freeway. 9. So long as I meet my deadlines and produce quality work, no one's breathing down my neck on a daily basis. 10. It's hard to get out of "work mode" when work is always around me. 11. For a change of pace, I get to head to "my other office" and take the laptop with me to have tea at Panera. 12. Because my jobs are a lot of fun, sometimes people question whether or not I really am working. 13. And of course, there's that dreaded question... "What DID you do all day?" Next person to ask me that one gets it. Don't make me show you what "it" is.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Finding a writing groove

You all may recall that for the past several months, I've been jumping through the agent hoop, working on round after round of revisions. Yay me. At RWA, I went to a spotlight and found out that they do not want books like #2 in my proposal. Oops. That left me spending the past couple weeks scrambling to change my proposal, taking out the bad book and inserting another book.

The problem: #2 was a complete, new book is in process.

So I figured, just in case editor sees new book idea and wants that as #1 book, I figured I ought to get a little more done on it. Which is what I did over the weekend. YAY me.

It took a while to get back into my groove. I've been editing so long, I almost forgot how to write. I mean, I can still put a sentence together with the best of them. I just couldn't let go and let the words flow, crap or not. I kept hearing Anne Lamott in the back of my head telling me it's okay to write a crappy first draft. And Nora Roberts telling me I can't edit a blank page.

So I wrote.

I wrote crap. I deleted a lot of it. I fought with my internal editor, and I am emerging victorious. I have a workaholic hero who wasn't supposed to be a workaholic, except I'm finding that in that structured man with a plan there is a compassionate heart I didn't realize existed when I originally planned this book. I didn't realize how deeply committed he is to justice and mercy, the driving values behind his workaholicism. Maybe those things don't seem to fit together, but for some reason, with this hero, it makes him who he is.

And I realized, that even if it started out looking like a great big pile o' poo, it's coming together to create something even more spectacular than I could have ever dreamed. Which made me remember why I love writing so much.

I should be getting to bed now, but after having spent a few hours doing the work that pays the bills (and I am not knocking it at all, because I do enjoy it), I need to do the work that makes my soul sing. Because that, my friends, is what the writing groove is all about.

Fouled up Friday

Yesterday, I had every intention of posting a Thursday Thirteen. I had great plans for the topic, which you'll see next week. Hopefully.

However, yesterday, I threw a major temper tantrum. I have been trying to get my family to clean the house ever since I returned from RWA to a monstrous mess. Have they listened? No. So, the night before, on my way out to a meeting, I told them... get it cleaned up or I'm boxing it all away. They didn't listen.

So I spent all day yesterday, taking all the stuff they had on the floor and boxing it up. It took eleven boxes. But I did it. I sat down, thought I'd relax for a while, and then realized I hadn't done any work for my jobs at all. YIKES! So I got busy with that, all the while thinking it would be a great Thursday Thirteen topic, mentally composing as I did everything else.

Then I remembered The Deadline. For some reason, probably a lack of sanity on my part, I agreed to write a textbook for one of the tax classes. Actually, it is a good thing, after all, who can argue with more money? But... the first couple of chapters are due Monday and I have to have them reviewed by one of my peers to double check my interpretation of tax law before I can turn it in. Since it was Thursday night, I figured I'd better get cracking. (In all fairness, it wasn't entirely procrastination. We'd had the meetings for the information on Tuesday and Wednesday, so really Thurs was the earliest I could do it)

So last night, I wrote a few chapters, sent them off, thought about getting ready to blog, and then hubby messed it up. He's had a weird work week and has been working lots of crazy hours. The upshot is that it'll be a lot of moohlah, the downside is that he's going to end up having worked about 70 or so hours this week. Anyway, he had to do a late night thing, so as I was working, he got up to go to work. And I don't know, something about that signaled that it was time for me to go to bed. So I did.

Which brings me to my fouled up Friday. If I'm in our bed, I don't sleep well if he's not in it. I can sleep fine if I'm gone somewhere else. But when he's gone... Ugh. So this morning, I open my sandy little eyes to a dark room and think, "great. I'm up early again. Can't believe I got absolutely no sleep last night." Then I looked at the clock. Um...

Kiddo was supposed to be at school an hour ago!

Fortunately, she's an early bird, self starter, and I can completely count on her to be out the door and on her way to school on time. So she was long gone. I'm a bit worried though, that her hair is not brushed. I hate that!

So here we are, a rainy, dark, cold Friday, and I'm still in my jammies. I need to go out and deposit hubby's paycheck so I can pay some bills. Maybe hit the store. I planned on grilling steaks for dinner tonight and made hubby fix the grill last night so I could do it, but with all this yucky weather, steak sounds gross.

But maybe I'll feel better after a couple cups of tea... anyone want to join me?

Thoughts on Celebrity and Character

I mentioned in my last post the whole to-do over Lance Armstrong. As I observed the "Lance mania," I thought a lot about celebrity and what it means. Believe it or not, I'm not a big celebrity person. I don't understand why, just because a celebrity says something, we should all go out and do it.

I am, however, a big character person. When I mention celebrities I like, it's typically because they have some character trait I admire. After this weekend, I am a Lance Armstrong fan. Why?

It's clear he loves riding. He also seems like a pretty decent guy. The interviews with him were all really good in terms of how he spoke of others, and when he spoke at the awards ceremony, I couldn't help but be impressed by a guy who didn't just compete, but worked to get others to work harder and better too.

At one point, he rode by us with the guy who ended up winning, Dave Wiens, and I don't know what they were saying, but clearly, they were having fun. You'd think they were just two guys out on a bike ride, enjoying the day. When Dave won, Lance had no sour grapes, but open admiration for a worthy competitor.

Lance Armstrong is just a regular guy who happens to have made a name for himself. I don't think he's perfect, for one, he's a man, but he's also human. And yet, there are traits about him that I respect and admire enough that you can bet the next time he rides, I'll be on the sidelines, cheering for him.

It made me think about other celebrities I respect and admire, and why. As many of you know, I adore Todd Agnew. His music is amazing, but more than that, he's got an incredible heart for God. I've met him a few times, and he has always been a humble, caring person. Again, he's not perfect. But because I see the person behind the music, he is an artist I will always support.

That said, there are a couple of artists whose music I will no longer support because of how they treat others. I realize it must be hard to have everyone vying for your attention, but the rudeness I've seen and the way they have treated people I care about makes me wonder how much of the message they really live. Without character, their message means nothing to me.

And then there's the great Nora Roberts. I like her. Haven't read one of her books in years, and am completely unwilling to stand in one of the fan-crazed lines to chat with her, but you know what? I have a lot of respect for her and if I didn't have a ton of other books to read, I'd read her again. Not because she's sold tons of books, although let's face it, that's pretty cool. But for me, the reason I like her is that I have had several opportunities to encounter her and she has always impressed me with what a decent human being she was. For example, at the last RWA conference, we were at the Harlequin party, and someone had spilled their drink. Nora told me to be careful of the mess and guided me away, not knowing me, not caring that she was the great Nora. We were just two folks trying to maneuver a dance floor.

Contrast that with another author, just starting to get a lot of bestseller attention. I used to adore her books. Haven't read one in years. Why? Character, or lack thereof. She's been rude, arrogant, and downright nasty to me a number of times. She's probably one of the most talented authors I've met, and because she is such a nasty person, I will never read one of her books again.

Note... in all the bad examples, I'm not mentioning names. I'm doing that for a reason. I don't want people to make decisions about others just because I have an issue with them. I hope that they will take the time to judge for themselves.

The thing about celebrities is that anyone can be one. Slap a talent label on a person and suddenly they're hot stuff. I wish, though, that we had another category for celebrity. Folks with good character that we can look up to and say, "hey, that's something to admire."

I don't know if or when I'll ever hit the big time as an author. But my hope and prayer is that I learn from the examples set before me. I want to take the time to treat others as human beings and give them the respect that everyone deserves. I pray that I will not be rude or look down on others because they have not reached the same level of success. I'm not perfect, either. And I'm pretty sure I'll continue to make my share of mistakes. But when people say they admire or respect me, I really hope it's because they see the good qualities in my character.

The big weekend

As is our family tradition every August, we head up to Leadville, CO to crew for my BIL as he races the Leadville Trail 100. It is a 100 mile mountain bike race through some pretty scary terrain. Let's be clear: this race is not for wimps. You have twelve hours to do the ride. Ricky's done this every year since they started, so this was his 1500 mile finish. He did great!

It was his second best time of 8 hours and 24 minutes. He kept telling us, "hurry to the next aid station! I'll be there fast!" And he was. We were so proud of how well he did, and he looked great.

The big news was that Lance Armstrong was there. It was sort of a surreal thing, because so many folks there had Lance fever. I caught him racing past a couple of times, and only managed to catch the back of his shirt. Yes, I admit, had to snap a few shots. After all, how many times am I going to get to see Lance Armstrong race?

I always have mixed feelings about going up there. It is a lot of fun. It's great family time. And I think it's the one thing we can all do together and work as a team, so it means a lot. But let's be very clear here: I am not a morning person. This business of having to be at the start of the race at 6:30 a.m. is a problem for me. Fortunately, the family is used to this after ten years, so they let me sit in the car and be grumpy until I can function. That Man is very good about making sure no one speaks to me until I am ready to be spoken to. But seriously, if we could just skip that part of family togetherness, I would be so happy.

And then, there was the lack of promised Internet access. Our hotel boasted free wireless access. Which, in theory, is true. In practical application, they use the same router we do at home, and so, our room was too far away to pick up a signal. Downtown Leadville also boasts free wireless access. In theory, perhaps. In practicality, I never did find a place where I could get a signal. It makes me almost wish I had a crackberry. Almost. I can go without Internet and be happy. I just need to know ahead of time.

Also, for the record, other than trying to get a wireless signal and the conference call I needed the notes for (yes, it is possible to work driving through the mountains), I did not open my laptop at all. So there.

I did, however, read two books. One was while we were waiting on the back side of Turquoise Lake for Ricky to come through. Kiddos were sleeping in the car, it was raining, I thought, why not? Good book. Susan May Warren's Get Cozy, Josey. We'll not talk about the fact that it's the last in the series. Really, Susie? Can ya change your mind on that one? And then, I read another book last night. I actually don't remember that one. Hmmm... doesn't bode well for that book, eh? It was a confusing book, so it's probably okay I don't remember.

So back to this sleep thing... the other thing I don't understand is how people can go to bed early unless they're sick. I TRIED. Last night, after being up since five freaking thirty, you'd think I could go to bed at eight. Nope. I read a book. Still tossed and turned FOREVER. Did the same thing Friday night, although I wasn't as tired, since I got up at a respectable 8:30 a.m. Then again, I never could go to bed early. Even as a kid, I'd stay up really late reading because I couldn't sleep.

Anyway, that was my big weekend. Full of excitement, lack of sleep, and did I mention we had our little terrorists with us? Nah, they weren't that bad. They had their moments, but for the most part, they were pretty good. Nothing got blown up, no one got hurt, and as far as I can tell, we didn't send anyone screaming for mercy. Good times, I tell you, good times.

Thursday Thirteen #56: Back to School Edition

Thirteen Things about Back to School School starts Tuesday... I can't believe it! 1. My summer plan of lots of activities sort of worked. We didn't go crazy, but we also didn't do everything I'd hoped. 2. I am most eager to get my Panera time back, but that won't happen until Sept, because the littlest one does not go back to school until then. 3. King Soopers makes school supply shopping sooo easy. You go to the one nearest your school, and they have premade packages of everything for each grade. Buy one, and you're done. YES! 4. I'm now wondering how we'll fit all the stuff we still have left to do in the next couple of days, especially considering we'll be at my BIL's bike race this weekend. 5. School fees are ridiculous. The high schooler's fees were in excess of $500. No, she's not in any special activities or sports. That's just what the regular fees are. The second grader's fees were $40, up from last year. Whoever said public education was free is a big fat liar. 6. I'm looking forward to having more structured days. 7. The dog is looking forward to not being chased around the house all day. 8. I just realized that I need to start getting them back on a school bedtime schedule. Let the games begin! 9. This means I also start teaching taxes again in less than a month. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back. I've been really enjoying my time off. :) 10. My kiddos are really looking forward to seeing their friends again. I still haven't broken it to my daughter that she will not have the same kids in her class this year. 11. I might actually get to clean my house and have it stay clean for a couple of hours. 12. I'll be back on wardrobe patrol. It's amazing what they can and can't wear to school. 13. And let's not forget that their little minds will be filled with all sorts of information.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants