Spa Days...

Yep, I'm back from my wonderful trip to the spa. Still sort of in blissful recovery mode. I got there at about 2 pm on Thursday, returned home at about 4 pm on Friday. So 26 hours of bliss. I told That Man when I do it again, and I will be doing it again, I want more time. It just wasn't quite enough.

Things accomplished on my time away:

Mud Bath: Mmmmmm.... soft skin... slimy mud... totally worth the ick.

Cave Bath: Okay, now I have to admit to this one being a bit weird for me. The cave baths are mandatory nude. Granted, it's just women in there, but I'm not much for showing off my naked body, and I'm really not all that interested in seeing others naked. Although I will say this-in the total time I was there, there was about 30 or so women who passed through the caves. For the sake of all of us that do not look like supermodels, allow me to share this tidbit: Not one of them looked like a supermodel. Every single one of us was saggy and flabby. How a real woman should look. It was still a good experience, I loved being in the steaming cave, and alternating between that and the cooler pools, even though it was a pain having to put back on a wet bathing suit in order to go out to the regular pools.

Hot Springs Pool: Not as hot as I'd like, but the caves were super hot, so between the two, it was just right.

Time with God: I was starting to email a friend about it, and decided to share, so here you go: I did get some good time with Jesus... part of it was in these steam cave baths where you just sat quietly and soaked in the steam. I couldn't read in there because my glasses got all fogged up, so all I could do was sit in the cave and worship God. It's amazing how clear God is when you're sitting in the depths of the earth that God created, with hot steam that He created billowing all around you as you sit in the God-made hot water. If I'd been alone in those caves, I'd have broken the mandatory silence rule and sang, even though my voice is crappy, because it would've been so cool to echo out my worship to God. But I bet He heard my heart anyway.

Reading: Yes, I got some reading done. Didn't do the Bible, because I didn't want to get the pages wet. So I brought five books and read them all. Some good, some not so good, but hey, I got to do something I love to do and haven't had time to do in a really long time. :)

Passions: I will comment on one book I read, Deadlock by James Scott Bell. I used to really want to be a lawyer, but decided that screwing people for money was morally repugnant, so gave up on that one. Reading this book reminded me of that passion for the law. I've always wanted to be a supreme court justice because I love digging into the law and legal principles. It got me to thinking about my passions in general. I've been passionate about a lot of things, and for a variety of reasons, given them up. So what I want to know, is was it passion or infatuation? Like the law thing... I yearn for that kind of stuff, and yet, reality is I'll never pursue it. I don't want to be some lawyer trying to win. I want to dissect the law and look at it from a justice standpoint. I love the principles, and think the application has been completely bastardized to fit the agendas of different groups. But since we don't work in that realm here on earth, I didn't see much of a point in chasing that dream.

So where is the relevance to where I'm at? Sometimes I wonder if I didn't chase certain passions because deep down, I was afraid I couldn't cut it. After being torn apart (literally) by my "friends" in college, I didn't think I could handle having that for the rest of my life-constantly battling over stupid issues that don't matter only to have one (or none) shot at really making a difference. I look at my passion for the mideast and wonder why I really gave it up-yes, because I wanted a family. But I think I also feared that deep down, I couldn't cut it. When I lived in Israel, I was pretty miserable. Now, here I am at my writing... struggling because I can't figure out what I'm doing with it after five years of trying to sell. Am I struggling because I'm really struggling, or am I struggling because this is yet another thing that's really important to me that I don't think I can cut it in. Pretty ironic since I was always one of the "successful" ones, Magna Cum Laude, and all that meaningless crap. Everyone always thought I was so smart, and I always figured I was just a big phoney who was good at passing for smart.

Which means, I've had to buckle down and commit myself to getting it done. I am committed to finishing edits and sending out my chick lit for crits by the end of the month. I will mail it by the end of next month. I'm pitching the secret baby book in Atlanta. I want it ready to stick in the mail when it's requested. Those are my goals. I'm publicly committing to it, because I'm not going to hide behind the, "well my vision has changed" crap. I've done it twice now, okay, three times, since I also gave up grad school to get married. Or so I said. I didn't think I was smart enough for that either.

The truth is, there's a lot of crappy books out there. A lot of good ones, too. But you know, the only difference between me and some of that crap out there is that they stuck with it.

When I sat at dinner (by myself, thank you very much! I've NEVER done that), I jotted a few notes regarding this and my writing. I'll leave you with the questions I asked myself, and for commitment's sake, I'm going to go and knock out at least a page or two.

Am I writing about things that matter?
What is worthy of writing about?
How can I use my writing to enrich the lives of others?
More importantly, how can I allow God to work in this process to His glory?
Most importantly, am I asking these questions because they need to be asked and answered in my life, or am I merely stalling so that I have a reasonable excuse to change courses and not look like such a wimp?