Can I get a translation here?

I don't really know what God's trying to tell me here. Subtlety and I don't get along too well, and usually, with God, I just need to be beaned over the head.

So to start it off, I got an email from someone today, just a casual, hey, how's it going thing. Which was unexpected, but a nice surprise. I read this person's blog, but don't generally comment on it, and haven't commented in a long time, because well, frankly, a lot of what this person has said lately has kicked me in the behind. (And I'm sure this person has no clue) So of course, I read the blog, and sure enough, WHAM! I'm down for the count. One of the things I'm really working hard on right now, based on this information, needs to be seriously re-thought.

Then, today, I was at church, and the only reason I went is that it was my night to be in the nursery. That Man is sick, baby is sick, so B and I went together. Actually, B is becoming a huge part of the spiritual pulse of our family. The thought of not going to church makes her bawl. And I mean bawl. "But I can't miss the lessons about Jesus, Mom."

As I was walking back into the main area because part of our tradition is that B has to go hug our worship pastor (he married us and dedicated B), a girl I know stopped me. She said hi, which we do on occasion when we see each other, although I usually wait for her to go first, because I'm never really sure if she remembers who I am. I said hi back, and went to chase my child, but she stopped me. She said that she wanted to let me know that it warmed her heart every time she saw me, even though we never talked. She went on about how we're one of the few who've been there since the early days, and how she was so glad I was still there.

Which is funny, because of late, I've really wondered what my place is-life in general, but also in my church. I'm the weird girl no one talks to. And generally, I'm okay with that, except when I read things in my Bible about how we're supposed to be in community, and I notice that everyone but me seems to have that. I have the hermit of all hermits living with us, and even though she's just moved here, she has a more active social life than I. And it isn't because I'm turning down social invitations. I'm not mad or bitter, or anything like that. But it does make me wonder-what's wrong with me?

The last time I asked these questions is when God gave me the whole "you are exactly where you are supposed to be" lecture. Which, okay, I'm fine with. If God says this is where I'm supposed to be, then I'm okay with that. But the part I don't get is why I would even have dreams of more? Why, my whole life, I would hope for so many things, and yet God is saying, "sorry, Charlie, that's not what I want for you." Why would I be given visions of other things if I wasn't meant to have them?

So then I was visiting a message board I frequent, and some of the folks were talking about how they're different, and I made the comment, that as much as we've all felt like we were the freaks our whole lives, the group of us had so much in common. It's cool to have someone who connects with you when you're used to people shaking their heads or looking the other way.

There's always this temptation to conform, to take off those shackles and make yourself into something that would be more appealing to the general population. I've never been that good at it. I don't know how to pretend to be someone I'm not. But reading the posts of my friends, I was reminded how God created us to be special pieces in His puzzle of the universe.

Which you would think would be an answer-except it only leads to more questions. Because of all the things I have figured out, it's mostly the things God is saying "NO" to. I thought, at the beginning of the year, He was saying, "GO!" But all the things I think I'm supposed to GO! on, are all the things He's saying NO! to. And I realize that it's nothing short of sheer idiocy to even ponder these questions when in reality, I am busy-crazy with everything else, and I do not have the time to sit and try to figure it all out. Why can't I get an instruction manual or something?