Exactly where I'm supposed to be

God and I are going rounds again. I've been really frustrated and depressed over a lot of things and I want to know WHY. WHY AM I HERE, in this place, when I'm trying so hard to get out? I'm doing everything I know to do, everything I'm supposed to be doing, and it's not working.

So I had a bit of a hissy fit. Yes, I yelled at God, and I cried, and I pouted. I wanted to put my head under the covers and spend a day in bed, however, I don't have that luxury in the peak of tax season.

And then God answered, in the tiniest of whispers. "You are exactly where you are supposed to be."

Excuse me?! I don't think so. You apparently did not hear what I was saying. So I whined a little bit more.

Then my friend Diane (yes, the sainted one from yesterday's post) was telling me about her "stuff" yesterday. Cliff notes version-she hasn't had a job in like, years. And she's really frustrated with God, because it's not like she hasn't been trying. Anyway, she was telling me the latest in the God journey of it, and she told me about how she'd listened to something recently by Charles Stanley that made her realize that all of this frustration isn't about the job. It's about God using her in this time to mold her into the person He wants her to be. Which makes a lot of sense.

Of course, because I tend to be slow when it comes to understanding God, I didn't understand the "Danica application" portion. So I continued nagging Him and asking why about some specific things. Like why, with all the growth in my life, aren't a lot of things I've waited my whole life for, not falling into place? God repeated Himself. "You are exactly where you're supposed to be."

Yes, I heard that. But what about THIS? Same answer. On and on, we wrestled. Then He reminded me of what Diane told me about her situation. It isn't about the situation. It's about HIM. So He asked me, "Can you abide in ME?"

Um, maybe. What exactly does that mean? Abide in Him? Then He reminded me of Philippians 4:11-13. That I need to be content regardless of my circumstances, ending with the famous, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." So I can be content even though I'm not where I want to be because You're giving me the strength to do it? Yep.

But I argued with God, because the things that are hard for me right now, and the things I want that I'm not getting, are things I think are important. And frankly, I think they fit in to the big picture of what I'm supposed to be doing for God. Anyone see the problem with the logic of that argument? I didn't, until He chatted with me a while longer. It's HIS deal, so HE is the one who will determine what's important for what I'm doing for Him, not me.

Here's the other thing. Even though finally getting some of the "other things" I want would be totally cool and fulfilling to me personally, it would take away from what I'm working on with God right now. Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be given to you as well. I'd thought I'd done enough seeking and it was time to be getting. Um, no.

However, because I apparently have a tough time grasping concepts involving turning over my will to God, I had to still argue and question. I GET that it should be about Him. I GET that He's preparing me for what He wants me to do. But WHY, after all this time, am I still in the same place, with no obvious fruit? Jesus zapped the fig tree that bore no fruit. And even though I know we're not supposed to be comparing ourselves to other, I'm sorry, but you know, it SUCKS to watch people who aren't even TRYING to walk with God have blessing upon blessing multiply in their lives. To see that they aren't going through hard stuff day in and day out, and here I am, mucking through, and I'm still in the same place.

"You are exactly where you're supposed to be."

I continue whining, and finally, God pulls one of my tricks on me. "You are exactly where you're supposed to be. Lalalalalalalalalalala."

Fine. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Then today, at MOPS, our mentor mom (married 47 years) talked about marriage, and she said some things that reminded me of my own marriage. She said that in questioning whether or not her hubby was the one she was supposed to marry, that the answer she was given was that the fact that she married him was what made him the one she was supposed to marry. Whoa. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to kick That Man to the curb or anything like that. I'm in it for the "til death do us part." But I have wondered, is he really The One? And wow, the peace that settled over me in hearing that-He's "The One" because he married me. Now he's really stuck with me. :)

Finally, Danica logic kicked in. Or maybe God finally made my brain work in this area. But it occurred to me. If my being married to That Man, makes him "The One" for me, that means we're supposed to be married. It's the relationship that's supposed to be in my life. And trust me, there are moments when he is the only person who can handle being married to me. God brought him into my life for a reason.

Translate into the other stuff I'm whining about.

I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. God is using me in THIS place. Because it isn't about the place. It's about Him. I'm still not really sure what this whole "abide in ME" stuff is all about. But I get the contentment thing. Not that I am content, because I'm not. I'm not really sure I've ever consistently learned how to be content.

We live in a society that's about goals and achieving, and bigger and better in dealing with everything. God isn't looking for bigger and better. He's the biggest and the best. He just wants us to spend some time, hanging out with Him, and able to say, "in this moment, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, and in this moment, abiding with You, I am content."