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Friday, September 22, 2006

A deep dark ick mood

Yeah that about says it all.

Anyone feel like blowing something up?

Here's what I don't get-you work so hard, and no matter what you do, it's like spinning your wheels and getting nowhere. So here's the basic foundation of my mood tonight-nothing is going right for me right now and it's so hard. I mean, okay, before I get too poor me melodramatic, I will say that I have two great kids, a husband who lets me sit here and cry over this garbage, a roof over my head, and food in my belly. But I can't help but ask, is this it? Is this the best I can hope for my life to be?

And yeah, okay, the whole God thing. I get it. He's the point. And I could content myself with that-if I lived in a monastary or a convent. And trust me, I've considered it. If I ever lost my husband or kids, you can pretty well count that I'd go join a convent. Seriously.

But that's not my point. Really, I don't have a point, except to whine about how hard my life is, and how I seem to be sucking at everything I attempt. I hate that all these people keep putting me in charge of crap that I just can't do. And I hate that just when I think I'm finally getting it, I get slammed down so hard I wonder why I even bothered trying in the first place.

I know, I sound like a pathetic loser right now, and I'm sorry for that. I'm just hurting, and mad, and I really don't understand. Why would God give me all these dreams and opportunities if all I'm going to do is fall flat on my face? If I'm just going to keep spinning my wheels? How exactly is all this mess glorifying to God? Is it just so that I can realize how utterly impossible it is for me to do this on my own? Newsflash-I got that already.

Yeah, so I'm a bit hostile. I just don't get it, and I don't get the point, and for a person who needs answers and reasons, this is not a good thing. Like, I know that in the end, it will all turn out okay. But I want the map. I want to know HOW. I want to know WHEN. This whole God thing completely sucks for a control freak like me. And you know, it's not so much the control thing that bothers me, but the knowledge and understanding thing. Because I really don't understand.

And maybe I sound like some petulant child who has everything but still has to whine about the things she doesn't have. Trust me, I hate myself for even being whiney about this. Because I know I have it good. I know that I am blessed. I know that God loves me despite all of this ick. And even if I get ickier, God is still going to love me.

I am just trying to make sense of all this mess I'm trying to dig through-is it like the donkey caught in the well-where as much as I think I'm getting more and more crap dumped on me, in reality, all my stomping is eventually going to get me out? Lord, I hope so, because I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I am retreating into serious hermit mode. It's funny, I don't do any of those things that a lot of people do to dull the pain. I don't drink, do drugs, sleep around, overeat, hurt myself, hurt others-I just hide out and pretend it doesn't exist until I forget about it and can move on. Not very healthy, either, I suspect, but I've never claimed to be sane.

Ah, it's midnight now, and I still have packing to do. Family wedding this weekend-had to buy new pants because it's going to be too cold for any of the dresses that fit, and my dressy pants are now too tight. You know life sucks when you haven't done anything different, but you're getting fatter. I am convinced, however, that all of those "no sugar, no calorie" diet drinks actually make you gain weight. My weight gain started when I started drinking them. ICK.

Going to bed would absolutely rule about now. There's a man and a dog waiting for me. But we have an 8 am soccer game, and then we're hitting the road, so unless I want a super early morning, I've got to get ready now. Fat pants, here I come.

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