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Saturday, September 30, 2006

Beating around the bush

Today I did an unusual thing and signed into Yahoo. Heather nearly died of shock. She asked me why and I told her-I'm procrastinating on The Book.

It's been heavy in my heart to work on it lately. But, I keep finding other things to do. The funny thing is, I know specifically what God wants me to write about. And here I am, unable to sleep with a cold that is kicking me in the butt, so I cave. I say, "Okay, fine, I'm going to go there-to that deep, dark, icky place that I don't go." So far, in my writing, I've meandered all around it, and not quite gotten to the exact story I've told so many times in my head, but can't bring myself to actually put on paper.

Just as I am finally to the point where I have no choice but to write it, I realize, I've been slacking on my blog as of late. I know, more beating around the bush. But you know, there is a part of me, knowing that people do look here for encouragement, crazy stories, and whatnot, that feels bad that I haven't been delivering lately. I know, I put too much pressure on myself.

The truth is, I am so scared of these deeper emotions that my friend told me I needed to get to. They make people uncomfortable. They make me uncomfortable. It becomes easier to push it off when I have so much else going on in my life, so much stress. Tonight, I almost missed the class I'm taking because I'm so burnt out from teaching that I just couldn't bear to get off the couch. My instructor, who's a friend of mine, laughed when I told her. She could relate. She's also an introvert who can pass as an extrovert when need be. But, like all true introverts, there comes a point when we have enough and need to crawl into our little holes and hide from the universe for a while.

I have a feeling that's why, given that I've had no contact with sick people, that I feel this horrendous cold coming on. I'm not slowing down, so my body is forcing me to. Lovely. Can I tell my body to STFU already? Oh wait, I've done that, so now it's telling me to.

The good news about beating around the bush is that eventually, you get close enough to the bush that you do end up hitting it. Or at least that's my theory. My head is about to explode and God (I should call Him That God, LOL) isn't going to let me sleep until I do it. I talked to my friend Joni today, and she brought up a good point. That when I finally do take the leap and go directly for the bush, while I will be exposing the old wounds, it'll be a step toward healing.

So why is that just as scary a proposition?

Isn't it funny how we get comfortable hanging on to our brokenness? You don't know what you're going to do with yourself when there isn't that hurt to hang on to. Suddenly, it means standing on your own feet and using the pain of the past as a tool to help lift others out of the mire. Crap. That means actually accepting responsibility.

I wonder how much cold medicine it would take to override God?
(rhetorical question, I assure those of you who stumble in and don't know me all that well-I'm not stupid enough to OD on cold medicine, and frankly, when He starts talking, ain't no amount of cold medicine going to shut Him up.)

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