Thursday Thirteen #11: Things Spammers should know about me

Thirteen Things Spammers should know about me I figure this will help them stop wasting their time sending me email I don't need and hopefully clear out my inbox. 1. I do not need a larger penis. This may come as a shock, but some women actually prefer not having one. 2. I am not, nor ever have been, in the military. Therefore, I do not need your help in obtaining the disability benefits I'm entitled to. 3. I do not have an account at all the different banks who email me. Interestingly enough, I have NEVER received an email from a bank I actually have an account at. And no, you may not know who it is. 4. Another shocker- I don't need a f*ck buddy. I already have one. I married him eight years ago, and frankly, I'm too exhausted to add to my collection. Ditto for all the "matchmaking" emails I get. 5. I don't have bad credit. Please stop telling me how I can fix it. 6. I already work from home. The last thing I need is another job. 7. Why would I want to open my own Liberty tax office when I make a lot more money working fewer hours for your competitor? 8. Even if I wanted to go back to school, and even if your free scholarship was legit, you'd also have to give me free childcare for my rugrats. Send me that deal and I might consider it. 9. I have no preference as to which beer is better. Frankly, it all tastes like toad pee, so I don't drink it. 10. A slimmer me? Are you saying that I'm fat? Fuhgeddaboudit. 11. I have never taken any of the other drugs with funky lawsuits. If I had, I have a perfectly good attorney who'd handle it for me. 12. We don't have student loans. No need for help to pay them off. 13. You'd really give me $30,000 unsecured? Or secured on my PO Box? Really? Super. Just send it me c/o John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, or better yet, just give me the cash. Because honestly, anyone dumb enough to give a perfect stranger thirty grand unsecured is really just giving away a nice gift. So there you have it. All the reasons for spammers to take me off their lists. I'm really a terrible candidate for the things they advertise, and very much a waste of their time.

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