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Sunday, July 22, 2007

Oh where, oh where has the Dream-y gone?

I seriously need a vacation from my life. The only trouble is, it'll be waiting for me when I get back. Trust me, I know.

Last week, I was off at RWA in Dallas having a fabulorific time. I came home, and the universe exploded. Okay, so I knew it was going to, as some of it was scheduled. The rest, well, I kinda sorta prayed for, but it was one of those, "be careful what you pray for," prayers.

Monday, we received an offer on our house. Now, before you get excited, and the reason why I am not shouting from the rooftops yet, is that it's contingent on a couple of things that shouldn't be too big of a deal, but I'm being conservative. The house is still technically listed, so if you want a tres faboo house in Colorado, do let me know. And trust me, after everything we've looked at today, I can say with great confidence that you will have a hard time finding a nicer house than mine.

However, we could not enjoy the moment, because Tuesday was spent negotiating the deal, and Wednesday, I went in for surgery. For those not in the loop, which trust me, is purely unintentional, since I don't really have a loop, I finally caved to the pressure of doctors thinking I was nuts for resisting, and the increasing pain and discomfort with eating anything that tasted good, and had my gall bladder removed. Wahoo me.

I did take my doctor's advice and spent the night in the hospital, which, believe it or not, was quite lovely. Although I didn't get as much of a chance to read as I would have liked. I did read one book, so all was not lost. The nurse looked at me funny when I let her know I had five books with me and was worried I'd be bored.

I am progressing nicely, everyone says that I look and get around much better than they'd thought. I also had a wonderful happy moment, because the doctors would not let me go home unless I could say I had someone to stay with me and help with the kids. Yes, they met my children. I had a friend lined up, but at the last minute, she asked to cancel because this ministry thing she's been working on needed her that day. So I called around, and two wonderful people stepped up to help me.

The first is a girl I actually don't know all that well. Her family joined our bible study group, but had to drop out due to scheduling, so we only met 2 or 3 times. But since I've been ill, she's been volunteering left and right to help, so I called her. What an amazing woman. She arrived at my house bearing items to bake cookies with my kiddos to keep them occupied while I rested. She is my new second best friend. Seriously. Plus, the conversation was great, and I think she is a very dear woman.

The reason she is only my second best friend is that my best friend, I mean, my bestest best friend in the whole world, totally pulled through, and reminded me why she is truly my bestest best friend. I left her a message, basically thinking that it was an off chance, but maybe she'd by some miracle be off work that day and be able to come stay with me for a while. She called back, and Wow! She took the day off. For me. Because I needed her. I am so humbled and awed. It's hard for her to take work off, but she did. I'm still semi speechless, because I don't have many people in my life like that. Most of them are willing to do things for me when it's convenient, or if it's not, they make sure I understand what a sacrifice it is for them. And yet, the person who could least afford it insisted on doing it because she wanted to be there for me. She said it was not open for discussion, because she knew I'd do it for her, and that's the kind of friends we are. Period.

I have literally been thanking God every couple of hours for her. Not because anything huge happened. Actually, it was quite uneventful. The kiddos were good, I sat around, feeling like a dork for not doing anything, and we just chatted about things. BUT No matter where I am in life, even if we've been so busy that it's been months since we've connected, she is always there. And it just felt really good to sit and have a cup of tea with someone who loves and understands me in such a profound way that we can just drink our tea and not have to say anything else. Of course, we did say a lot of things, but there were so many that we didn't need to say.

So before I go on with the description of my whirlwind life, take a moment to stop and be thankful for your friends. Especially the ones you know will always be there, willing to drop something important and have it be their absolute pleasure to do so. And then, because I'm being extremely sentimental, and have probably had a few too many pain pills over the past few days (for you worrywarts, that translates to less than half the dose I'm supposed to be taking), I want you to take another moment and think about something else.

As special as Sara is to me, and as much as I am so blessed to have her in my life, I have a greater friend. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I just have to point out that God's love is far greater than anything I could possibly imagine. He has given up far more than anything anyone has ever given me, and He has done it with a joyful heart. See, I have this thing about being given things. If it's not done cheerfully and with a whole heart, I don't want it. It's why That Man and I fight in odd ways. I get mad at him when I win, because I never want what I've won to be about that. I want him to give me what I want because he wants to give it to me with all of his heart. The cool thing about God is that He always gives like that. And I love these moments when the humans in my life give me the slightest glimpse into God's heart and remind me that as perfect as the moment is, God is like that eternally and in a far greater way.

And so here I am, at the end of this insane week, and because much of my time since the offer has been taken up with hospitaling, recuperating, and pondering the greatness of God, I've got three weeks until the anticipated sale of my house, and I have no idea where we're going to live!

Today, we had to be out of the house most of the afternoon because we had showings. Then, we went and looked at new houses. We saw ten houses. I was very disappointed. Still am. When I think about all the work we've done, fights we've had, ways I've almost maimed or ended That Man's life, I feel pretty sick to know that most people selling their homes don't put as much care into the process as we did. We've been praying for our buyers (and our new house!) for months now. My house is as close to show-home condition as an older house with kiddos and dog can get. Yet everything out there in our price range is crap. And honestly, even though I said I was willing to do a fixer upper, I have no energy for it. I will be leaving a nice house to move into... crap. I've sorta gotten used to nice after having crap for so long.

So tomorrow, we're back out, looking at houses for sale, hoping that we finally find "The One." We seriously need to put an offer out soon. And even though I am yet again sleepless and discouraged, I am also strangely at peace. None of my grand plans appear to be working out, and I am finally at the point of accepting that I have to let go of some of the things I really want. Which is okay. Because I think back to my earlier thoughts on God. He is faithful.

I've been praying for our new house for years now. Literally years. Honestly, it has been heartbreaking at times. A few months ago, God asked me to set aside my preconceived ideas and accept the house He had for me. So I said okay. I stopped thinking about my new house and focused all of my energies into creating a dream house for someone else. This hasn't been my house for a really long time. I'm really ready for a home. My home. I felt discouraged, looking at ten homes that were clearly crap. I wondered if yet again, I would be forced to settle. But as I think, and pray, and write, I realize more that He is merely doing what I asked. Answering my prayers for a miracle house that will be a home to glorify Him. When you think about it, that's not really an easy thing. It would have been anticlimactic to walk into the first house (and yes, the exact one I've been praying He'd let us have) and for it to shout out, "welcome home!"

Let go of preconceived ideas.

Isn't it funny, how when we pray for something, we always have the answer we want in mind? And yet, how many times does God have something even better, if we just let Him give it to us. We may not even know, because we've never taken the time to find out.

Okay, I'm totally discombobulated now. I started out thinking one thing, and went off on my usual tangents, and then started doing the deep spiritual thing, and now I don't remember where I was going. Or why. Or how. Or any of that stuff. Now you know why I take as little of the pain medication a possible. I honestly don't know how people get addicted to it. I can't function well on it, and I hate that feeling. I'm disconnected and fuzzy enough as it is without adding pills that increase it. I'm sorta tired, and I'd like to go to bed, but it's super hot in here right now, and I'm all sweaty and the sweat gets into my incisions and feels yucky. Even though I'm supposed to be letting go of what *I* want, would it be okay if I prayed for God to give me a house with air conditioning?

1 comment:

Tori Lennox said...

*hugs* on all the chaos. I hope you find the perfect house soon!