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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Weird obedience lessons

Yes, friends, this is another installment in stupid conversations Danica has with God. I figure if Todd can have an awesome album called "Better Questions," then perhaps people will benefit from my um, yeah. At the very least, we can call my journey "If Dummy can get into heaven, so can you." Seriously. Life as a Christ follower does not require being a rocket scientist. It does, however, require a willingness to have some of the harder discussions with God that may ultimately lead you to saying, "D'oh!"

Allow me to present my recent dialogue with God.

"I can't sleep again because I'm worried about the house and the money and all the stuff we have to get done."
"It's going to be okay."
"Yeah, but how? Have you seen my list of things to do? The list of things I'm worried about? How on earth is all of this going to be accomplished?"
"I'm not on earth."
Long sigh. "I know. But..."
"I told you it's going to be okay."
"I know. But..."
"Have we not gotten past the but thing?"
Apparently not. It seems that when it all boils down to the essence of Danica, I'm just one big but.
"Okay, God. Can you just tell me how?"
"Trust me."

And so, I have spent the past several weeks averaging a couple hours of sleep a night. I've given up on sleeping pills, as well as the pain pills that usually make me sleep but now only make me loopy. Fortunately, I'm no longer in pain. My stitches really itch though. Anyway, nothing works. I lie awake and worry. And worry. Somewhere between That Man getting up for work and my children getting up for the day, I fall asleep. Which is a slight problem given that my children are known terrorists and I have to have my house ready to show at any minute. Welcome to my hell.

But God, because He's good about teaching me lessons, has started to play a little game with me.

"You're not sleeping again."
"I know. I'm worried."
"Go balance your checkbook."
"Okay." So I balance my checkbook. Which leads to me worrying even more because we have more money going out right now than in. I HATE July. It's an expensive month to begin with because a lot of yearly bills are due now, so add in all the house expense, plus the added expenses from my health issues, PLUS the fact that my invoice was lost in cyberspace so I didn't get paid this month.
"Now go to sleep."
"I can't. Did you see the balance? Did you see the stack of bills? What I am going to do?"
"Trust me."
"I know. You've taken care of everything so far, and we've been in worse spots that you've saved us from. But I just don't know how it's going to work out. Can you just tell me how?"
"No. You have to trust me."
"I do. I just want to know how. And I want to know what I need to do next."
"Fine. Go work on your article. Then go to bed."
"Okay." And I do.

I am seriously a lunatic. I cannot get my brain to shut up and stop worrying. I do believe that God will take care of us. But because I don't know how, I am going insane. And the really crazy part is that when He asks me to trust Him, I do, but I can't. (Todd, by the way, has a wonderful song on the new album called "Funny" that speaks to this very issue. You have bought it, right?)

Oddly enough, when God has given me a specific task, like, balancing my checkbook, I jump right up and do it. But the big things, like letting go and really trusting Him without knowing how, I just... can't.

I think, though, what I am grateful for, is that God loves me in spite of the fact that I'm being such a pain. Even though I'm frustrated with myself because I want to be obedient and just can't figure it out, He's still here. The conversation doesn't end, He doesn't go stomping off mad because I just don't get it... AGAIN. He just wraps me in His arms and says, "It's okay. I'm still going to take care of you."

Somewhere down the line, I will figure this lesson out. But, just as I get a handle on this one, God will have something else to show me. That's the thing. I'll never be quite done until I've left the earth. Wow. The Martyr's song just started playing (and even though you should still buy Better Questions, the version with the Dekker book is better). I think God can't wait to show me all the answers to the questions that I bug Him with. But mostly, I think He's going to say, "See! I told you to trust me. You never had a thing to worry about."

So please tell me why I'm still worrying!!!


Heather Diane Tipton said...

LOL um, okay, I'm have the exact same convos with God...

Heather Diane Tipton said...

uh that should be having the exact same convos with God