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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Figuring it out

Sooo... of course we all know that usually when I gripe about stuff, there's always something else-and given that I was in pain, I didn't do all that great of a job of getting at the underlying thing. There are reservations there that I do believe are of God-whether it be a warning or about something specific, or the thing in general, I don't know. So given that God and I have been pretty close lately and he's been talking to me really clearly, it had me a little freaked out. I didn’t know where it was all coming from. I knew some was an attack, and some was well… I didn’t know what. Which is why I needed prayer.

So tonight, went to church, even though I wanted to stay in bed, but that new little convert of mine thinks we need to go to church every day. Given that it’s church night, off we went. I decided to find my friend Jodi, who is an amazing and discerning prayer warrior, and we agreed to meet after church to pray. During worship, the whole breathing attacks were freaking weird. There were literally times I could not sing because the breath was taken right from me. But I just focused on the words (which, you know, could the songs they did tonight be any more perfect? David Crowder rules) and it subsided. Then Dave got up to teach, and again, it was just weird-it would come and go, but I kept feeling stronger and stronger each time it went.

Then I sat down with Jodi, and of course, we didn’t just pray, I talked it out with her. I’d already told her on Sunday (which is when the attacks sort of started) that my attitude with all this stuff God is doing in my life right now is “Bring it.” Jodi laughed, because well, that’s something one should not tell God lightly (trust me, she has seen it all-she is one amazing prayer warrior). But see, I meant it. I’m ready for God to transform my heart and just do what I should have let Him do in it ten years ago. I’ve wasted precious time, and I’m sick of it. I’m ready to move on. So whatever He needs to do, then let’s just do it and not piss around. We talked a little more about what’s going on, and then I let slip the invitation I issued God yesterday. Which was, whatever is standing in the way of my worshipping Him, to take it away. Given that I’d just finished reading Job, that’s one big fat invitation. If you read something about some crazy lady’s house blowing up, killing everyone inside, well, now you know, it’s me, and I, dummy that I am, asked for it.

And yet, I’m either incredibly stupid or just really ready to lay it down, because I mean it. Whatever is standing in the way of me and my God, I want it gone. I’m not satisfied with this place where I am. Honestly, if God said, “sell everything and move to Africa,” I would. Crap, He’s gonna send me someplace really sucky like um, I dunno, someplace I don’t want to go.

So, going back to the whole conference thing. Jodi pointed out that this is my old self and my transforming self at war. Flesh versus God. The parts I am afraid of-totally flesh. The rest-God is asking me to trust Him in doing things that are not me. And duh, that’s kinda sorta the point. Which led to us praying about the God voice thing, that His voice is so clear to me that I have absolutely no doubt that it’s Him. However, that also means when I hear it, there’s no excuse for not obeying. Because see, the thing I do realize, and Jodi reminded me of again, is that it doesn’t matter what things look like to me. God will make all of this happen and I don’t need to do a single thing, other than get out of His way and obey when He comes calling.

The fear that God has put into me? Well, He reminded me (as well as Jodi and my beloved Todd Agnew-I at least owe the guy a pan of brownies-anyone know if he likes brownies?) that this thing… it was borne out of anger, hurt and frustration. I need to let God mold it into love, and that’s what I need to keep in check. There is a ferocious beast inside me, and yes, God is working on it and healing it. But the warning is that at every step, I have to ask, “is this about me or about God?” "Is this my flesh or my faith?"

Because here’s the thing: Ultimately, what was revealed to me, what I have refused to admit until now, is that this is bigger than a book. God has set me on a path, a calling, a ministry, that is absolutely huge. The scary part, at least for my fleshy self, is that He’s not intending this for some “down the line” deal. It’s coming. It’s coming soon. And I have to be ready. Which is something I guess I recognized all along, otherwise, I probably would not have said, “Bring it,” or told Him to take away whatever stood between Him and I. However, admitting it publicly like this, well, I can’t exactly turn back now, can I? Not that I could have, given what I’ve already committed to the Lord.

Yeah. I sound so brave, don’t I? I sat there in church tonight, praying with Jodi, shaking and tears rolling down my cheeks, and all I knew was that I’d asked God for something really huge, and the things it was going to take… didn’t matter. Remember what I said in a previous post, about believing God? That I either did or I didn’t? If I don’t step out on faith, I’m still that same liar, now aren’t I?

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