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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Working in my heart

As you all know, God has been bugging me/working on me to write The Book.  And YES, I am working on it.  YES, I am writing it RIGHT NOW.  Look at the freaking time if you don't believe me. 

So here I am, getting all this work done on my heart, and YES, I am letting God deal with my sin.  But you know, I'm getting really pissed off and touchy that He has to deal with it ALL RIGHT NOW. 

I have to tell you all the story that I didn't tell last week.  Thursday, at the Bible study, prior to the whole Easter conviction crap (which ended up being really cool because that led to Bay accepting Christ), we did the last session of the Beth Moore video.  Long story short, it had been a crappy morning, got to a late start, missed a lot of it, but got in time for the end.  One lady starts praying about how she's not been believing God (which is what the study was about).  And CRAP. 

I bawl about weird stuff.  I do not just start freaking crying over important stuff.  You eat the cupcake I've been saving for my treat, I'll bawl.  You run over my dog, and I'll just sit there and do nothing.  Put me in front of a sappy movie, I'll bawl.  Blow up my house, and I'll just laugh.  God stuff does not make me cry.

And then, this other woman starts confessing her sin.  God touches my heart in just the right place, and I start freaking bawling.  And I mean bawling.  I'm crying sitting there, confessing my sin to God, and CRAP.  He did something freaky in my heart, and now it's just all over the place.  Every little screwed up thing in my heart is now pouring out and God has decided we're going to work on it all.

So what was my great sin?  Some of you will probably go, "DUH, Moron, I could have told you that," but me, I didn't get it until that moment where that wall in my heart broke.  This whole thing is on Believing God.  I've always said I believe God.  I do.  I believe God's promises.  But see, when God said, "Danica, write this book," I said, "Oh, God, I'm not worthy."  All of that stuff about believing God? BULLSHIT.  If I believed God, I would believe that God would be there for me to write the book and it wouldn't be at all about me and how worthy I was, but about HIM.  I lied.  I lied to myself, I lied to God, and I lied to everyone else in my life-I said I believed God, but what I meant was that I believed God about the things I chose to believe God about.


So you'd think THAT would be enough.  And nope, it's not.  There I am, minding my own business, and God says, "Hey Danica, you know this thing?  Let's work on it."  Okay, fine.  A short while later, "Oh, and this other thing, Danica?  Let's take care of it too."

Am I grateful?  Well, of course I am.  Yes, I want to be a better person, and yes, I want to be the person God wants me to be.  The crazy thing is that lately, I have all these people telling me what a great person I am.  We're sitting there in the bar at 1 am last night, and I have my coworkers sitting there going on and on about what a great compassionate person I am.  Every day at work, these people were saying, "Oh, Danica, you are so patient.  Oh, you are so kind."  I'm regularly issuing death threats, and yet the people around me think I'm this great person.

I am NONE of those things.  The person they were going on about how compassionate I am towards is actually this person that I continually think mean things about because he's a pain in my butt, and so I feel guilty and am therefore extra nice to him because I know it's wrong to thing mean stuff about him.  The people I'm patient with?  I can only be patient because I have visions of their little heads blowing up into little tiny pieces and that somehow placates me enough to be kind to them.

You want to know the kicker?  There I am, on one of the online boards I've started frequenting of late, and this gal decides to pass on this quote about how we only love God as much as we love the person we love the least in the world.  CRAP.  Any guess on what God is working on now?  So not only do I now have to be nice to all the people I want to have smited off the face of the earth, I have to actually love them.  Where's my bomb emoticon?

And God is working on my marriage.  And on the baby thing.  And on my new house.  And on my money.  And on my family.  And I'm tired.  Crap.  It's late.  And I really can't spend all day in bed today.  I can't find my kitchen.


Jana said...

Dream~Oh girl. I hate to add to your frustrations but...heheheh, I think God is using you to speak to me, too. So much of what you wrote in this post just seemed to be like a "Hello, Jana? Pay close attention to this because this is what I've been trying to tell you" from God. I haven't been listening very well. I say I am. I sometimes even believe I am. But then I go and do or say just the exact opposite.

But no pressure. hehehe

But yeah, it's also a great comfort to hear of someone else dealing with similar things in their walk with God. So thanks. (((hugs)))

Danica/Dream said...

Thanks Jana, I'm glad it helps... you know, the only reason I spew this stuff is because my hope is that I'm not going through all this crap in vain, that somehow it'll help someone else.

So thank you!