Back to Faith in a roundabout way

Yes I know, I'm a bad, bad blogger. Partially, I have nothing to say. Partially, I get tired of whining about myself. Mostly, I'm still in my funk and have been doing a lot of reading. I'd thought, until I ended up with another headache tonight, that I was doing much better as a result of my catching up on reading. Sometimes, all I need is a few good books to get me out of a funk.

Books I've read in the past couple of days:
Body Work by Fiona Brand: serial killer story-fun, fun, fun
Dead Silence by Brenda Novak: great suspense-can't wait for the next one
Here Comes Trouble by Leslie Kelly: I about wet my pants, it was so funny
My So-Called Love Life by Allie Pleiter: I don't want to discuss it.

Okay, fine. I will discuss Allie's book. Partially because she's the sweetest woman on earth, partially because she actually made knitting sound interesting, and partially because if I praise her enough and she somehow stumbles on my blog, she won't kill me. Because right now, she's on my "die, scoundrel" list. Eventually, I will get over it and be happy, however, I am still reeling from the last five lines on page 215. Sadly, it's making me wonder if maybe I don't have my own priorities mixed up. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. Hence, my murderous threats. I know that when I figure things out, I'll be glad of it all, but really... there's only so much messing with my head that I can stand.

Since I'm ranting, I may as well just come out with it all and say that I want people to read my books and do the same thing-to find a line or two that just gets them and does something to their hearts. Is that egotistical of me? But seriously. What is the point of writing if it doesn't change lives?

One of the few workshops I went to at RWA was the PRO Retreat, where Bob Mayer and Jenny Crusie talked about blogs and websites. They said that for your blog or website to be most effective, it needed to have a purpose. Even though I go on my weird bunny trails, I've always had one important purpose-to impact lives. And maybe it's a little ambitious to say that people reading my ramblings are somehow improved and uplifted by it.

That's always been my goal for my books-starting with when I first set the goal to write a book ten years ago. I didn't think, back then, that I had anything worth telling, that a kid like me would be able to inspire others to greatness. I waited five years to even begin writing, and then, because I didn't think I was ready or able to write anything serious, I wrote stuff that had nothing to do with my original aims. I still think I'm falling short of those aims.

Is it that I still lack faith? Um, yeah. Let's be honest. Oh wait, I always am. I hope, that if anyone gets anything from any of this is that I'm doing what I can to be real. I'm pretty sick of the lack of authenticity in this world. I'm sick of watching people try to be something they're not in order to well... what? Seriously. What is the point? Why are we all trying to be whatever it is we're trying to be?

Going back to my rant about Allie's book. What is it that we're chasing after and why? Are those our priorities or God's priorities? What's first? As much as I say I want God to be first, frankly, I'm not doing such a good job of it.

So why am I stalling on all of this? Why am I fighting what is so clearly in my heart that I need to be doing? Because as much as I hunger for God, as much as I want it to be all about God, it's still all about me. As long as *I* am in the center, it's simply not going to happen.

Explosives, anyone?