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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Funky Stuff

It's been an odd few days, so bear with me here. Sorry about the blog lapse, I'm trying to get better. And I'm trying to get better at getting out there and seeing people, but I don't know... there's just this funky thing in my head right now. I want to be social, and yet I can't bring myself to be social. It was funny, because I was talking to Heather the other day, and she commented that I'm never on yahoo anymore. The truth is, I haven't been on any messengers lately.

I think mostly, there's so much behind the scenes drama for me right now. Not in my life personally, Thank God, but in so many lives that touch mine that I'm having a hard time dealing. I've always said that the one thing about me that I hope to give to others is that I'm always real. Sometimes that ends up being TMI, and others, it's something that I hope lends itself to lifting up others. Anyway, my point is that I don't know how to do that right now-how do I talk about issues that others are dealing with and thrusting on my plate that I am being forced to deal with? How can I not say, such and such is being a royal toad and I'm pissed about it? Because see, as much as I want to be real, I also don't want to be the person badmouthing the universe on her blog.

So that's my current funk-everyone else's lives vomiting into my lap. I think the thing that sucks about it is that I'm a problem solver. Which means I want to "fix" it. Sadly, none of it is something I can "fix". I pray, and while I suppose that's supposed to give me some satisfaction, frankly, it doesn't. Just because I pray about something doesn't mean I'm going to see an answer in a satisfying time frame. And what's the use of that? Coincidentally (yes, I know, there's no such thing as coincidence), I'm doing a Bible study on prayer called Live a Praying Life . Now before you get all excited, you should know I'm still on week one. :) The good news is that it's given me some hope in what is a long and frustrating quest. She cites Ezekiel 22:30 "I looked for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found none." If I am not praying for these things, who will? And if no one else is, what then, will be the result?

Trust me, for someone who already feels a huge burden of responsibility toward the universe, this is not completely a good thing, except that it does give me comfort in knowing that even though I feel as though so many of my ongoing prayers are fruitless in my eyes, I am somehow standing in the gap where perhaps there is no one else to fill it.

Weird. Was not thinking to blog on that, I'd meant to go with a whole funny thing of some hillarious conversations with the baby lately, but I knew that some folks were feeling my absence a bit, and thought I at least should say, "hey, I know. And I'm trying."

I think, too, what all of these dramas unfolding around me are showing are some of my own weaknesses as a human. For example, a couple of the dramas involve failing marriages of people we know. And yes, that was a plural. And in some ways, we are being put in the middle-ICK. The sad thing is, I knew the marriages were in for it when they first got together. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that if you marry a gun-toting pyschopath who won't get help, eventually your marriage will deteriorate. Which makes me wonder, if That Man and I ever split up (NO, we are not there-we're doing really good, actually), would people also say, "Yeah, we knew it was doomed from day one." Are people surprised that we've lasted this long? Weird questions, I know, but sometimes having this drama makes you look harder at your own relationships, and yes, seeing where others are going wrong and making sure that you're not doing those things, and doing what you can to strengthen what you have.

But the other half of that, and maybe the part I've been hiding from, is that I've realized how much bitterness is being revealed in me. I hate it. I want to gouge it out with my fingernails and fling it as far from me as I can. I know it is wrong, and I know it serves no useful purpose in my life, but it's like a boomerang.

When the one girl called me and asked for my help in her divorce, part of me wanted to scream at her and say, "You have not spoken to me in seven years, and even when we were part of the same social circle, you treated me as though I were excrement you'd stepped in." I have so much anger and bitterness at this person-and as I look back, and I see all the ways in which she completely dishonored me while we were in the same social circle, I know that still impacts the way some people view me. Granted, they are not people who have ever had a conversation with me, but I'm still bitter about it.

What really gets me is this-when we were talking, she said, "I've done everything I can to be a good Christian here and I'm still being a good Christian, but since he lied to me about money and now says he doesn't share my faith, I can't stay married to him." Dear moronic hypocrite, could you please show me where in the Bible that gives you the right to a.) divorce him, b.) file false charges against him in a court of law, and c.) take him to the cleaners for as much money as you can squeeze out of him.

Why do I hate telling people I'm a Christian? Because she's the "good Christian" and I'm the bad person.

You know what? I am a bad person. I am full of sin. I am painfully aware of how full of sin my life is. But I also don't go around pretending otherwise, calling myself a "good Christian".

I would love to say that this is the only garbage I'm dealing with-but it's not. The current theme is that Danica has been doing her very best to walk the high road, to behave honorably, and while the people who've totally been jerks to her are having bad stuff happen in their lives, Danica is being dragged through it. Worse, the areas in which Danica has been honorable and these people have been jerks are not having the expected "Danica get rewarded and jerk get punished" outcome. Nope. It's status quo. And all I can do about it is pray, and cling to the Psalms. Psalm 73 is a good one, which also happens to be a song by Barlow girl (featuring my beloved Todd, whom I have not blogged about lately, but rest assured, I am still listening often. You should too, he rocks. Did I mention he has a new album coming soon? Look for a blog on that when the time gets closer.).

And I guess this where I feel like a scum sucking pig-I sit here and so proudly boast of how I have been doing the right thing, but am I really? Am I really being as honorable as I could? Since I'm sitting here wallowing in my bitterness, I'd have to say no. Am I really any better than those I think God should smite off the face of the earth so that I can feel satisfaction in the misery I have suffered at their hands? And how much is it that they have caused the misery, or is it that I have allowed it to influence me in a miserable way?

So that's my latest funk. Truly, I am just so high and low right now... I don't know what to do with most of it, except that I've been praying and studying and just hoping that at some point this will all make enough sense that I can deal with it and move on.

Either that, or I'll just find something to blow up and feel so much better. ;)
(Note to Homeland Security: that was a joke. It was supposed to be funny. Laugh. It'll make your job easier.)

3 comments:

Jana said...

(((Dream)))

Danica/Dream said...

Thanks Jana

Heather Diane Tipton said...

((((Dream))))

you have been awol on messengers and I miss ya! Great post!