Getting what is due

Today's been sort of an interesting day-I've found that a couple of people who I've been waiting to see get their due are in fact, getting their due. Now, I have to say, it isn't that I wish them ill. I don't sit around plotting for people's lives to fall apart. In fact, unless I'm actively angry with someone, I can pretty well forget they even exist as an irritant in my life.

And so, it's a weird deal when I find that someone I know is reaping what they've sown. I get pretty angry (and am in a snit over a couple of situations in this regard right now) when I watch people who consistently do bad or mean things continually have good things happen in their lives. I just don't understand how, in my life, for example, I feel like I'm always trying to do the right thing, and to be acting in accordance with God's will, and yet I feel like I'm always struggling, and the good things that fall into the laps of others seem to miss mine. I know, there isn't a direct correlation between me doing right and God handing out blessings. And truly, I don't follow Him for the blessing I seek. But I still get frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I have many blessings for which I am very thankful. It's just that other things I seek to have in my life aren't here yet. And people who are the biggest jerks in the world seem to be getting it. Which irritates the piss out of me. Seriously.

But then I hear things like I heard today, and realize that even though it's taken years for this to happen, people do show their true colors. And the ugly things in their nature come out. Their lives do end up suffering for their wrong actions. While there is a satisfied part of me that says, "FINALLY!", there is an equally sad part of me that wishes the person could have learned and grown instead.

It's funny, I'm such a believer in grace, and yet I am just as strong a believer in justice. There is no justice in grace. Because in grace, we are given what we don't deserve. Which is a contradiction of the emotions I express above. I am angry that these other people are getting what they don't deserve, things I feel that I do deserve. I am glad when people finally do get what they deserve.

And it makes me wonder if I'm not nearly as good as I think I am, and that maybe, as deserving as I think I might be, I'm really not. Deep down, I'm still a selfish jerk having a really hard time seeing things through God's eyes. And I feel extremely grateful that there is such a thing as grace, because without it, I would be lost indeed.