The Weird Lull...

Now, the first thing I must say is that I am NOT procrastinating. Really. I am, however, in a weird lull.

Here's the deal: I was given the name of an agent (who is a very good agent, BTW) to submit to. This particular agent is especially looking to rep people writing for one of the lines I'm targetting. This happened in Atlanta, BTW, I'm only admitting it now. I really really really want this agent. She's amazing. But, while I do have a couple of books for this line, I'm not certain it's my strongest work. Yeah, I know, you all want my problem, so many books, so little whatever. I'm half tempted to query her and say, "here's the deal: I have all this crap on my plate, I can't commit, so I want YOU to pick what you think I'll be most successful in." Yes, I know, ain't gonna fly. But a girl can dream, right?

She basically represents everything I write, although I can't find anything that says she reps nonfiction. I can live with that, I think. Anyone know of a good nonfiction agent? You know, for when I figure out The Book?

And I'm still tossing around the idea that people keep jostling me with the idea that I should be writing Inspy. I SWEAR, I have nothing against it, it's just that... could I point out that this book that everyone THINKS is an inspirational has the married couple having sex in chapter one? And that one of the themes is mistaking sexual desire for real love? I LOVE this story, and if I could just nail these characters, I know I can sell it. Which is why, despite my aversion to early mornings, I am leaving at (wait for it, you're gonna think I'm nuts) 6:45 am with my good friend Margie Lawson to head to Colorado Springs Saturday morning to attend one of her all day workshops on editing and characterization. Wahoo me. But hey, since those are the areas I need to work on, it'll be worth it, right? I've been ordered to bring my book and my highlighters. I'd say it had better be worth it, but as a longtime taker of Margie's classes, I can say that yes, it will. 6:45 am. I am so freaking nuts.

Which leads me to the nuttiest thing. After all this angsting about my writing, what do I get, but another story idea. When I was younger, I read a ton of Robert Fulghum books. Love his stuff. What if I wrote a book that was a cross between that and Erma Bombeck. Basically, all of my "birth control for non parents" stories about my children. Could I pull it off? Would anyone buy it?

The one thing I come back to is the idea of voice... my nutty voice on my blog and telling stories about my terrorists, er kids, that seems to be my true voice-me at my finest. Er, maybe I shouldn't say that... that might scare folks. I am sane. Really. Well, at least sort of. Anyway, my books don't sound like that. And maybe they should.

Which leads me to this weird lull I'm having in my writing right now. I'm so torn about my direction that I can't even open something to work on. I want to write, I just am paralyzed by my anxiety over doing the right thing, of making sure I head in the right direction. Back when I had God completely out of the equation, it was easy enough to sling mud at the wall. Now, not only do I have to worry about a career, but I have to worry about honoring God with it. And truthfully, even though I want to honor God, I know that a lot of my desires in getting published right now are all about me. Let's face it-I want the glory, I want the ego affirmation of my name on the cover of a book.

So I'm in this lull. I'm not writing because I want to do the right thing in terms of my writing, and I honestly don't know what it is at this point. I'm not editing, because I'm waiting for Margie's class on Saturday. I am committed to submitting this book-I just can't get it out of my head. I also know that WTW, which dang it, I really had committed myself to subbing prior to Atlanta, but realized the problems with it and have been sitting on it since, needs a major overhaul. I have a new vision for it, but frankly, I can't find the strength to go there.

I've also made another decision, which I actually can't act on for a while. Even though I CANNOT go to ACFW (sorry, family obligations-trust me, I'd rather be at ACFW), I AM going to join. (I don't think I need to tell certain people to STFU, do I?) However, despite our good change in finances with That Man's job, the family drama of last month has set us back significantly, so I'm still trying to make sure we can pay bills like electricity this month before I commit to paying for a membership that I've avoided for years. I still don't know how I'm going to handle the whole time thing, since I don't believe in joining an organization and not giving back, but I'll figure something out.

Which goes to another decision I've made-I was asked to join the leadership team of our MOPS group, which I've accepted. It was weird, because I almost instantly accepted since it's an ego thing, and then I pulled back, saying I needed to pray and think about it. Well, prayer showed me that if I allow it, it'll be a good tempering of my ego and force me to humble myself in a few ways I've been fighting. So, I agreed. Which ended up being an ego affirming thing, because the gal got all excited and went on and on about it, so I felt pretty good. I just know there will be challenges ahead for me.

So I guess, even though I say it's a lull, there's a lot going on. I just hate this place of inaction on the part of my writing. I want to write so bad, but I'm really getting sick of writing stuff that I do nothing with. TEN BOOKS.

Oh, and my sister called today. I heard the baby in the background. I WANT TO HOLD THAT BABY!!!