Thirty five minutes of freedom

And then I start Nano-ing like crazy. ICK! I'm still not entirely committed to a story. I suppose I'll have to do it soon, eh?

I took two princesses out to the harvest festival tonight. Lots of fun. I have to say, I've got the most unusual princesses on the planet. They both wanted dragons painted on their cheeks.

I don't have anything particularly interesting to share, although I did have a good rant earlier today. I ended up taking a nap instead. And then I woke up later than I'd planned. Which wasn't a bad thing, considering That Man had to work late and I was not about to brave the festival alone with kiddos in tow. Add in one teenage ghoul and her boyfriend stopping by, and I forgot the most important thing of my life.

I didn't realize it until we stopped by the fire station so the girls could trick or treat at Uncle Ricky's. Thankfully, Dougie (bless the wonderful fireman who watches my show) had just turned on Veronica Mars. Girl Genius had forgotten to change the timer on my VCR to reflect Daylight Savings Time. Which I realized as I heard the opening bars of the theme song. Sooo... I watched the beginning of Veronica at the fire house, raced home during the commercial, and finished up at home. That Man was supposed to take the kiddos trick or treating in the neighborhood so I could watch in silence, but he chickened out. It doesn't need to be Halloween for our children to terrify him. However, the sugar high that began at the school party was in fully gear. He brought them home. I do not like having to interrupt my wonderful show to yell at my kids to stop doing whatever it was to irritate me-this is when I wish I'd raised them according to the "children should be seen and not heard" philosophy.

Seriously. My life would be so much easier if people realized that there are only three important things in my life: Veronica Mars, Todd Agnew, and The LiLi. I wish I'd taken a picture of That Man's face when I said that to him the other night. For those of you without a sense of humor, I'm joking. And yes, That Man thinks it's funny-except when I tell him to move over because The LiLi does not have enough room on our bed. Then he gets irritated. The things we do for love.

I'm getting random now, aren't I? I have to spew all the random stuff I can, because in 14 minutes, I have to be totally focused. 50,000 words in 30 days is a tough task, even for me.

Conduits

Well, as you all know, I'm a big fan of Todd Agnew. I'm telling you-listen to him already! Anyway some folks were discussing an interview he did, and even though I'd planned on posting about how today is my favorite day of the year, I'm going to post my response to the interview because God is really messing in my heart with this one.

The interview:
http://music.thoughtquotient.com/todd_agnew/todd_agnew.htm

Wow... I'll just say that again, and maybe I can start to digest it. Wow.

So Todd is obviously succeeding in being a conduit in my life. *shaking head* God uses so many of his words to minister to me and bring out more "stuff". Half of me wishes I could get more of a regular dose of his teaching, and the other half says, "Whoa, girl, you're going to explode if you hear any more."

The whole conduit thing... wow. I need to say wow again, I think. I am definitely gumming up the conduit with a lot of things I don't need. And chasing after some things that do nothing to clean out the conduit, but things that will only gum it up some more. ICK. I could totally go gross here, but I'll behave. :)

The thing I really loved, though, was how he talked about Abraham. I love the idea of being blessed to be a blessing. Except I realized something as I was reading what Todd had to say. It took until Abram was 86 years old to receive the blessing of a son-Ishmael. And yet, it wasn't God giving him a blessing, but he and Sarai manipulating the conduit to get the blessing they wanted. Because they manipulated it, they didn't get a blessing, but a child who would end up plaguing their blessing until current times. It took 13 years for God to return. It doesn't say in Scripture, so I am totally going off on my own here, but I wonder, were those 13 years spent cleaning things out to be the conduit?

It's interesting to note-every time Abraham decides to put a little of his own into the pipeline-using a substitute for his wife, lying about who his wife is-it gums up the works. But I keep going back to that moment, when God comes back to Abraham after all that time, Abraham responds with obedience, and God says, "okay, now that I've cleaned you out, let me fill you with me. Let me show you how to "keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just"." Then they had this amazing experience where God showed him what he was about to do to Sodom and Gomorrah and allowed him to have an amazing conversation where they walked together in friendship.

Even though when I did the study, I very sincerely thought that I haven't done anything to manipulate things the way Abram and Sarai did, I think what God showed me through Todd's words is that I often do. It took 25 years from the time of the Lord's promise for the son fulfilling the promise to be born. After twelve years, they got impatient. Since we don't know exact dates, this is all assumption on my part, but basically, it took double the time they thought/wanted for them to actually receive God's blessing. I get frustrated after days, weeks, months... wow.

Since Todd mentioned girls, and I know there's some single folk here struggling with the idea of being single, I'll just throw out the manipulation that God is pointing out in my life. I was tired of being single, I was tired of failed relationships, and frankly, my life wasn't falling into the plan that *I* made for myself. I pushed my husband harder into marriage than I should have. We got engaged based on an ultimatum I gave him. For a long time, I felt like in our marriage, I was pushing him on everything. I hated that. It was hard living with the question of wondering why he married me, and if he really loved me, or if he married me to get me to stop nagging him. Thankfully, we got to a point a couple years ago where we were able to talk about it, and I no longer doubt his love for me, or why he married me. I am so blessed by the love we share. I think that if in marrying him, I'd sought the Lord's will and waited on Him, it would have saved us both a lot of heartache. It certainly would have prevented a lot of fights over some really stupid things. Honestly, our marriage didn't get good until I finally said, "okay, Lord, I'm not going to manipulate anymore. What do YOU want from me and what kind of wife should I be?"

I can't stress how hard it is to reconstruct it being married, the idea of working as God's conduit versus trying to make it work on your own. I am so blessed knowing that God gives people more than one opportunity, and am also blessed to be married to an amazing man who can be patient with me as I sort through my gunk and let God clean out that conduit.

So for those of you who are single, I want to encourage you and tell you that it is far better to wait on God, even if it takes 25 or more years. It's worth it. You're worth it. Most importantly, God is worth it.

Round and round we go...

I woke up Thursday to snow. What is UP with this horrid weather? Three snowstorms in less than two weeks. ICK!

I almost skipped Bible study, but I'm so glad I didn't. It was awesome. Then after that, some of us went and hung out, which was nice. I don't have any mom friends that I just hang out with. We meet for studies or whatever, but we never hang out. So that was fun. But it made for a crazy day, because I had to get B to school, get home, and then prep for class. The day was also insane because K woke up at 5:30, crying, "poopie." She kept doing that all day and not going, so we decided she was constipated. Who'd have thunk my days would be spent watching for and discussing poop? Needless to say, when class was over, I fell into bed and went to sleep.

Friday, had to get up early for a meeting, take the baby to my friend's house to watch her, B went with me because I had to leave early to take her to school. The meeting was cool-my boss gave us all a raise, and listed me as one of the reasons. I'd basically told her that it wasn't always worth it to me financially, because by the time I pay sitters, I sometimes end up upside down. So yippee, I got a raise. And scheduled to teach another set of classes starting in December. ICK. At least that one, I'm team teaching with a good friend and coworker so I won't feel like such an idiot standing up there. Got B to school, went back to the office to take the certification exams I've been putting off. Scored 100% on the one I was least confident on, and the other I got an 89%. I probably could have argued it up to 100-but 89 still passes me. Basically, I didn't like the wording of the question-the correct answer, based on how it was worded, was technically incorrect. Semantics-don't play those games with me. LOL

Rushed off to pick up K, hit the bank, raced home just in time to meet B's bus. Then began the mad dash to get the house cleaned for B's party. That Man took the kids to Mickey D's so I could get some done without them. Then I had to race to the store to get some last minute supplies, and because That Man has still not fixed my oven, I had to go over to my FIL's to bake the cupcakes. And because he wasn't there, I had to do it in a freezing house all by my lonesome. So, handy girl that I am, who was also signed up to bring snacks to the soccer game that was happening before B's party, spent the baking time making orange slices. OH! But before I could bake the cupcakes, I had to figure out what to use for vegetable oil, because my FIL didn't have any and I wasn't going to go back to the store. Melted butter works just fine, in case you're wondering. Finished the cupcakes, went home and continued to clean (That Man had also gotten quite a bit done).

This morning-woke up early again, worked on the house some more, got everything ready for the game, got to the field, and realized that due to the inches of snow still on the fields, ain't no games happening today. Packed kiddos back up, went back home, continued to clean, and got ready for the party.

Sooo... the party (are you exhausted yet?. That Man didn't make it because his little work project turned into a big one (twelve hours). Fortunately, a couple of the parents stuck around to help. However, one of the parents decided to drop off ALL his kids, including one I didn't know existed. So it was an adventure. We survived though, and I am so impressed with the dad who came, because not only did he help with the kiddos, but he stayed to help me clean up. And when it was over, the baby fell into bed and took her nap without fuss.

That Man finally got home after 8. I've been in a vegetative state since. We did watch TV on Demand. I have to say, it's a nice way to catch up on shows I like. Too bad all my shows aren't on there. At the moment, I'm watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Stupid confession time: I've never seen it. I avoided it due to the word "horror" in the title, since I don't watch scary movies. Then I was flipping through channels and realized it's actually a comedy. Oops. I think, though, if I can figure out a way to get off my butt, I'm going to bed. Maybe someday I'll actually watch it.

Just for Tori

Since Tori shares my love for Veronica Mars, I simply can't go without sharing my comments about the show.

Finally, we're starting to see some of Logan's redemption! I love watching him struggle with the move from spoiled rich jerk to (as he puts it) contributing member of society. I'm loving this! I will be soooo irritated if he goes off on another bad trajectory. I want an arc, not a rollercoaster. :)

I'm semi bored with the whole rape subplot. Just tell us who did it already, because I'm not all that entertained by the whole frat boys versus militant feminists theme. I'm holding out for a twist, though, since that's what the show is all about. Take the expected, twist it, and then twist it some more.

Then there's the romance with dear old dad. That made me sad, but I'm glad he didn't totally take up with a married woman.

Finally, where would I be without mentioning Lamb? It's kinda crazy that he's FINALLY in the opening credits, but thus far, he's really not on the show. What is UP with that?

Oh, no, wait... I have one final Veronica rant. I HATE HATE HATE the new tempo of the theme song. ICK. Rev it up again, please! I like to rock, not be rocked to sleep!

Yoga in the buff

I was going to use the "N" word, but then I thought all the spammers would die and go to heaven with reading that. So I had to be creative.

Speaking of reading things, That Man is probably going to read this and say, "Man! I wish I'd been home for that one." Yeah, you know it. Your loss.

Actually I did NOT do yoga in the buff. I've read that it's supposedly this cool thing, but well, given the population of my house, I think not. However, I almost could have. Yesterday, I made the mistake of doing yoga in my jeans. OUCH. I didn't want to miss anything, plus my workout pants were in the laundry (note to self: do laundry today), so I just took them off. Definitely the bonus for doing yoga at home.

Today, I was wearing workout pants and a sweatshirt. And *gasp* I actually broke out into a sweat. Help me! I'm mentally ill. Anyway, I was hot, so I took off my shirt. I learned why people do yoga in sports bras. Fortunately, they were doing a super hard pose, so I took off my regular bra, put on a sports bra, and did yoga in my sports bra. Yes, I know, many women exercise in just a sports bra. I do not.

So I guess, between yesterday and today, I did do yoga in the buff-sort of. At least, I did do it in my underwear. Half and half. LOL.

Why am I telling this story, other than to take away any doubt in your mind that I am a complete dork? In my underwear, I noticed some "flaws" in my body. I realized I have way more cellulite than I'd ever imagined possible. I have stretch marks the size of the grand canyon, and since I'm letting it all out, I might as well admit that I've got lumps where I didn't think I was supposed to have lumps, and valleys where I'm supposed to have bumps.

We can all have a collective ICK about now.

But then I realized a cool thing. God made all those things I was "icking". He designed me. And when He sees those imperfections, He thinks they're beautiful. I'm also pretty lucky because despite all those "flaws", That Man is going to be sitting at his computer, saying, "I missed seeing her in her underwear?! That stinks!" So why should I care about things in my body, that at my age, and having borne two children, are irreparable unless we talk surgery (NEVER!)? It's a part of me, God made me that way, and I need to just accept it.

The guy teaching the yoga class yesterday and today (the instructors vary) kept emphasizing that you need to have a sense of humor about your yoga practice. You're going to fall on your face, but you need to laugh it off, get back up, and try again. I realized we have to have that attitude about our bodies, too.

As I looked down today and watched parts jiggle that I didn't see jiggling on the tv people, I had to stop, laugh it off, and realize that it's okay-it's not about what I look like in comparison to anyone else, or how I wish I looked. I'm beautiful just as I am. And hey, not everyone's belly and booty can jiggle like mine. I've got talent. ;)

So I dare you-next time you're home alone, try it. Or at the very least, go stand in front of the mirror, in the buff (or your underwear, whatever), take a good look at all the things you think are wrong with you, and realize that God thinks all those things are beautiful. And you should too!

Pain is good?

Well, we all know about my emotional pain and breakthroughs. Ugh. Have you ever been in a place where you think, man, I would just like to feel normal for a change?

So I'm also doing this insane physical fitness thing. Thus far, I am pleased to report that I haven't skipped a day of either yoga or walking. However, I must say that it has been really challenging because I am so sore.

Last night, I was whining to That Man about it. Free advice: don't whine about your pain from exercise to a former professional athlete. You get no sympathy. Anyway, one of my whines went as follows:

"I think I have shin splints."
"Okay."
"Can you get shin splints from walking?"
"Well it depends. Did you do any hills?"
Remember the walk with fitness queen Diane? "Um, yes."
"Then yes."
"What do I do about it?" Really whining now, since I've yet to hear, "oh you poor sweet little thing."
"Keep doing it."
"What do you mean keep doing it? Exercise more?"
"Yep."

At that point, my hamstrings were also killing me, thanks to the fact that these wackos on this show seem to think that my least favorite pose, downward facing dog, must be done about a half a million times a day, and it is really rough on people with tight hamstrings. My abs were sore from all the core strengthening stuff, and my shoulders and back were stiff.

This morning, I hurt so bad, I could barely move.

However, when my yoga show came on, I did it. I even tried hard stuff that I've been askeeered to try, like some of the tougher balancing poses that if you fall out of, you're gonna land on your head. I did not die.

Afterwards, a funny thing happened. I was walking around, and not only did I not hurt (except my shoulders, I got too aggressive in a stretch and hurted meself), but I *gasp* actually felt good. My body is starting to feel comfortable. AND I got farther into down dog than I've ever gone. Plus, today's workout was a bunch of hip openers, and boy, do my hips feel good and open. I was totally bouncing around and being cheerful this afternoon.

Of course, that could have also been the energy drink talking. ;)

Still, I have to say that maybe there's something to be said for working through the pain, rather than hiding from it or waiting for it to go away. I've honestly never felt this good physically, and I'm almost *gasp* excited for tomorrow's workout.

Choosing what to believe

Okay, so this is yet another freaky moment where God positions Himself and everything else perfectly in my life at once.

The good thing that came out of the disappointment I faced this week is that it made me take a long look at the things that are important to me. I've been living my life for a long time trying to please people who made it clear this week that I will never be able to please them. I have wasted years of my life running in circles trying to do the impossible. Pretty stupid, eh?

The one decision that I've been coming to, and really it started before this, is that there are some changes I have to make in my life.

One of the big ones was that I needed to exercise more. I've known it for a long time, but I finally committed to just doing it already. I am so dang sore, it's not even funny. Honestly, I hurt to the point where I have hurt in the past and quit. I AM NOT QUITTING.

Then there was my lovely Joyce Meyer Godsmack that led me to forcing myself to get up early every morning and either pray or work on Bible study. Which I have been doing, although I could not get up early this morning, due to a super cool dream I had about God (remind me to tell it, it's cool).

And then I got an email from a crit group I belong to, but have been woefully behind in my participation. Anyway, one of the gals said something to another gal(and I didn't get her permission to quote, so I'm paraphrasing) that really hit me. In all my writing angst, I keep beating myself up for not being good enough. The funny thing she pointed out-none of the bestsellers out there, when interviewed, say, "I sold my first book because I'm such a great writer." No, they all say it's their persistence. So all my "I suck, I suck, I suck" garbage? Meaningless.

Which led me to packing up The Mistress and heading to Starbucks for a good writing session. I FINALLY finished the new beginning, and am plunging headlong into edits. I've come to a couple realizations: One, I have so many "taboo words" that I need to get rid of. Oh, my precious crap. Two, I really love this story. I am also going to *gasp* NaNo again this year. Add me as a friend (DanicaDream) and kick me in the butt, because I need it. Of course, I have no idea which story I'll be writing. I'm kinda liking this one dude in my current book. Can I pull off two marriages in jeopardy in a row? Or do I kill off the wife and find him a real woman? This would totally be a Hosea story if I don't kill her off.

As I was on my way out of Starbucks, God tapped me on the shoulder. Believe it or not, He didn't smack me. I'm so impressed with myself. Maybe I'm learning. He told me that it was about time that I stopped believing the lies that controlled me and started believing the truth. The truth is, I have some amazing people in my life that I don't appreciate nearly enough. If you're reading this blog and not some random stranger or my friends at Homeland Security, you're one of them. I think back to some of the encouraging words shared with me, and how I blew them off. As Heather and I often joke, I give a lot of STFU "Thank yous". You know, "I'm being nice, but I really don't believe you and would prefer if you shut up." Which is pretty much my response to anything nice or any compliment people give me.

Why? Because I've been fed lies from day one. Those lies clash with the truths that others are trying to convey in my life. But because the lies are so ingrained in me, I've chosen to accept that which "proves" the lie, and I reject the truth. As I unlocked my car, God asked me if I was ready to let go of the lies. In a flash of an instant, I saw how all the lies I'd been fed have controlled me. How I've been held back, thinking I'm getting ahead by running through the hoops created by the lies so that I can achieve all the things that the lies tell me I have to do. And then I saw the truths that I've been rejecting, the kind words that I have shoved aside because of the lies.

God gave me a choice. So I made the choice to believe the truth.

I got in the car, and what was on the radio, but Nancy Leigh DeMoss on Family Life Today talking about Lies Women Believe . Consider me God-smacked. Usually, I like the program, but I am okay with turning it off when I get home. Tonight, I ran inside, threw The Mistress at That Man, asked him to plug in and boot up (battery was low), went potty, logged in and listened. I listened to the whole thing and ate it up.

The other cool thing is that I'd actually intended to stay in Starbucks, writing until either my battery died or I was kicked out. But I kept getting this feeling that I needed to go home. Um, yes, I did. So God could get my attention in the parking lot and then hit it home with the radio show.

I also know that this is not an easy, one-time choice. One thing about doing yoga is that at first, it seems hard because a lot of the positions feel unnatural. As you work to get your body in proper alignment, it hurts, because your body is so used to being unnatural that it fights it. It's only after you re-train your muscles to act in their normal, healthy functioning state that the harder poses are possible. Once you get it down, things like your posture automatically improve because healthy starts to become natural. Unhealthy thoughts and unhealthy belief have been such a part of me for so long that I am going to have to constantly force myself to choose, until choosing the truth is as natural for me as breathing. It's a long, hard process. But I also know that I am not alone, and because truth is on my side, with God's help, I can do this.

I wanted to share this because I know that some of you face some of the same struggles I do. I want you to know that those lies are not worthy of you. You are worth the truth. God is good, and He loves you. He wants you to take control of whatever lies you're believing and renounce them in favor of the truth. Maybe it's the "I'm not good enough" lie, which is the one I battle. Maybe it's the whole "societal body image" lie. Maybe it's the "God doesn't love me" lie. And maybe it's a whole other set of lies. Stop believing them. It won't happen all at once, but with consistent choice, we can all do it.

Fun with Pumpkins

I feel guilty for not posting something more substantive lately. I promise I'm not in the depths of despair. :) Hubby's just been out of town and I've been home alone with the world's crankiest two year old.

I decided that in the midst of all this yucky stuff, I'd do some good things for myself. :) So, Friday, after I took hubby to the hairport (which is what K calls it), I called my friend Diane and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. I knew she'd be up for it, because she's fitness queen, and since we haven't chatted in a while, I thought it would be a good way to kill two birds with one stone. Not so much. For out of shape me to keep up with fitness queen, I couldn't talk and breathe at the same time. But I understand that a pace where you can't talk is ideal for the heart, so there ya go. Anyway, I'm also still keeping up on daily yoga thus far, and I'm proud to report, I did an entire show last night. Well, as close to it as I can get with two kids and a dog using me as their obstacle course. FYI, balancing poses do NOT work well when they're using you as their tunnel. :)

The other good thing I did for myself was spend some quality time with my girls. So we went to the pumpkin patch, played in the maze, visited the animals, and brought home some gigantic pumpkins. :) Then we went to the mall. Kayla learned a new word at John Atencio , "Sparkly". She threw a fit when we left, screaming for more sparklies. I am *SO* going to have a hard time marrying these girls off. I always go to John Atencio when I get a chance, because I have to visit my wedding ring. We couldn't afford the one I wanted when we got engaged, so That Man said he'd get me the one I wanted when we could afford it. I'm sorta attached to the ring we ended up with, though I wouldn't turn down "Decision" if he bought it for me. They don't have a direct link, but if you go to the bridal section on John's website, you can sorta see. They don't have the right stone in it, though.

Anyway... that's what I've been up to, besides trying to maintain my sanity. Gotta head off to the hairport now, but at least you're slightly updated so you know I'm not on a killing spree or anything. ;)

Keeping the Commandments

Well, you know what they say about pride going before a fall. Just this afternoon I was so proud of myself for all the progress I'd made. Well... I had a real suckarific evening.

The good news is that Sara was with me when I got the horrific phone call, so when I bawled my eyes out in the middle of Wild Oats, I at least wasn't alone. I've pretty much spent the past five hours crying. I don't want to go into details, since basically what happened was that a family member hurt me, and I really don't believe in trashing people, especially in a public forum. Honestly it's a struggle that's been going on for a really long time, and I don't know... I can't explain it without going into detail, so I won't.

What's my point, besides the fact that there's a number of commandments that it's taking every ounce of strength I have to not break. I mean really, what's wrong with a little homicide now and then? Great. Now this person is going to be murdered tonight, and I'll be at the top of the suspect list. So be it. Lock me up, and let's all pray I don't get a girlfriend named Spike.

But back to my point. The above was supposed to be funny, but not sure I accomplished that task. I am so depressed right now. I was telling Heather that I feel so empty right now. And she did the "oh so not helpful when I'm in depressed mode" thing and said, "Yes but that's more room for God to fill you." I have absolutely no problem with that, except that while I intellectually know that, my heart still hurts, and frankly, I don't feel God anywhere in me.

Yeah, I know, sucks to be me. I just need to get over myself and accept God already, except that I thought I did, so I don't know what my problem is. But then I remembered a conversation I had with Rae shortly before my conversation with Heather. She was talking about how she'd talked to this person about her lack of faith and that she needed to think about the Footprints poem. I started thinking about the footprints poem with the situation tonight. During the hardest times, the person only saw one set of footprints and was angry because he'd thought that was when God had abandoned him, except what it really was, was God carrying Him. I think about how angry and hurt I am, and honestly, I am mad at God. How could He let this happen to me? How could He have put me in this position, that most of it, I had absolutely no choice over?

I hear His answer, just as the person in the Footprints poem heard it... Because He loves me. The truth is, as much as I lament this horrible place I'm in, it could be worse. And truly, without God here in my life, having protected me from the worst of what could have been, I would not nearly be as happy as I am. I would not nearly have as many of the blessings. No I didn't have a choice, except one. I chose Him. Just as He chose me. And regardless of these things that threaten to destroy me, He is there. He has saved me from far more than the nightmare of what could have been instead.

So while the temptation to just say, "Screw it," and blow something, or someone, up is probably stronger than it's ever been, the strength to say, "I choose to love anyway," is also stronger than ever. Abraham was justified by his faith. He chose to believe God and it was credited to Him as righteousness. Tonight, I am choosing to believe God and to trust that He has this in hand. And I pray that tomorrow, He will give me the strength to do the same.

In keeping the commandments, there is a danger, of course. The rich young man had kept them all since he was a boy. But he still could not let go of the one thing holding him back from true intimacy with Christ. The greatest commandment, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind, is one I know I don't always keep as I should. My mind gets full of a lot of other things, like this hurt I'm dealing with. But the second-to love my neighbor as myself-that, too, is a struggle when it comes right down to it. This person who hurt me, I'm so filled with hurt that I can't see how to love. I have to ask myself, how would I want to be loved by this person so that I know how to respond.

Which leads me to the realization that as empty as I feel, I'm pretty full of a lot of junk.

Smooching Alec Wagner and other things I forgot to blog about yesterday

I'm telling you, snow messes up my brain. Nasty icky white stuff.

Fortunately,the benefit of living in Colorado (aka what most people don't know about this fabulous place) TEXANS: Do NOT read. You have your own state, so don't read this and think you can take over mine. :) Oh, right. The benefit. Almost all of the snow is gone today. Several inches yesterday, sunny and warm today. We'll be back in the 70's in no time. Thank you, Lord.

Smooching Alec Wagner.

OH MY GOSH!

No, *I* didn't kiss Alec. B did. We had a leadership meeting at Alec's mom's house, and it was a tight fit. Because K was terrorizing the other small children, I went to the car to get her stroller to strap her in. Remember: it was snowing, which means we couldn't just make the kids go outside. Anyway, I come back in the house and my friend Chelsea says, "Your daughter is snuggled up on the couch, smooching Alec Wagner."

Please kill me now.

I distinctly remember telling her that only married people do that-if you're not married and you do that, God gets very unhappy. Oh yes. We've had this discussion. She lectures the people on TV for doing it. She'll ask me, "Mom, are they married?" If I say no, she lets them have it. My girl is a fire and brimstone girl when she's not telling you about how much Jesus loves you, and I couldn't be prouder. Tee Hee.

So WHAT was she thinking, smooching Alec Wagner?

I suppose the good news is that he comes from a good Christian home, and appears to be reasonably well-behaved. When her father reads this and gets out his shotgun, I can live with having this kid for a son in law.

In other smooching news, Tori asked about my beloved Veronica Mars. I very nearly went a-hunting for Rob Thomas last night to kill him. Allow me to make myself perfectly clear: DO NOT BREAK LOGAN AND VERONICA UP. I like the maturity issues they're dealing with, but I swear, I about killed someone or something when it looked like Logan was cheating. Man, is that good characterization to have me believing it. Folks, watch this stuff. The character arcs RULE.

Speaking of ruling character arcs, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that we are finally seeing Veronica having to come to grips with her control freak suspicious nature issues. I was QUITE satisfied at the end of the episode, given that we've seen this in her throughout two seasons now. For those of you who just picked up the show now, at the start of season three, what is WRONG with you? Go out and get the DVDs and catch up, because this is some good stuff. If you're nice to me, you can come over and we can have a Veronica Mars-a-thon, and I'll be sure to point out all the character stuff I think pertinent.

HOWEVER, because you know I always have a however, not all that enthralled with Logan's character development. We saw the awesome growth of season one, season two where he backslid and now season three, he's just... bleh. I wish I had a drawing thingy so I could draw it out, but trust me when I say, this arc needs some work. Logan needs to grow beyond the point where I believe that he WOULD cheat on Veronica.

Finally, my own personal character arc. I sorta did yoga today. I caught my show at the beginning, but man, it is hard stuff. I had to do my own little mantra, "your body is the temple of God. You are glorifying Him by getting it in shape." I also didn't do about half of it, because some of them are really hard poses that I can't do yet. Which I want to shout out as encouragement to those of you who think you want to try yoga, but aren't that flexible yet. Go for it anyway. I still can't fully do all the poses in the shows (obviously) but I do what I can, and I believe I still get benefit from it. Remember: any exercise and movement is good exercise and movement (assuming you're being safe and not ignoring the doctor etc). I have REALLY tight hamstrings, which makes a lot of the poses hard for me, but I'm pleased to report that it's getting better, and I'm improving. The challenge isn't against anyone else, but to be the best you that you can be.

Oh wait. That wasn't yesterday. Oh well, as I often say, it's my blog and I can do what I want to...

Okay. I have to get cracking on work. I have ten more posts to read and comment on before B gets home and then I need to finish up chapter three to send for crit today. I love that our crit group has started doing this regular deadline thing. I'm getting much more accomplished.

First snow

Enough said.

I'm off to hiberate until we hit 70 again...

We were NOT supposed to get this much snow. The good news is I put the kids to work cleaning, and I am pleased to announce that their play area is CLEAN!!! Par-tay time. The bad news is it's supposed to snow more tomorrow. ICK.

The baby was hillarious, because she's fascinated with the snow. I took her on the porch to play with it, and of course, she got upset with it because it was cold and she wouldn't put shoes on it. Plus, my chicken dog is afraid of snow. To get out of the wet, he knocked her over and made her fall in the snow, hit her noggin, and she cried. So I made a snowball for her and gave it to her. Well, she LOVED it. She called it her snowman and carried it around the house all night. I finally convinced her to carry it in a bowl, but still... it went with her everywhere all night. It was like this big wet security blanket. Until it melted. Then she drank it. Don't worry, I taught her about yellow snow. :)

Random Ramblings on Appearance

Lots of random stuff today, so take your pick.

I suppose there is a theme, which is personal appearance.

I've got a few friends who are working on losing weight. I love that they're doing it, but I also hope that they all know that are beautiful just as they are. I think one of the most important things we as women (although this applies to men as well) need to realize is that God thinks we're beautiful just as we are. What I really loved about Ted Dekker's book, The Martyr's song, is that this girl, who in the view of everyone in her village, is ugly. But when the priest joins her in heaven, he realizes how beautiful she is. Nothing about her appearance changed, just how he viewed her. I wish we could look at each other like that.

I admit, I'm not all that fond of my appearance. But I know that God thinks I'm beautiful, and He made me special. I'm His masterpiece.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm working on losing weight. Not because I think I'm fat, although I am frustrated that none of my clothes fit anymore. I know that I need to lose a few pounds because of my family health history, and my doctor has said he'd like me to be at a certain weight. I'm not dieting, because according to my doctor, what I really need is more exercise.

Fat chance. I'm trying, I really am. I've been going for a walk at least once a week, but the only time I can do it without dealing with screaming kids is when That Man is home. Which ends up being about once a week. I also discovered a good yoga show (which is SUPER hard) that's actually on during naptime. Today's yoga session: interrupted by my potty training monster pooping in her bed. I did get enough in though, that my hamstrings are killing me now. Did I mention that downward facing dog is my least favorite pose, despite it seeming to be the favorite of everyone else in the universe?

But you know, every little bit helps. Just parking farther away and taking those extra steps is extra movement and just a little closer to getting that heart healthy.

What I think is unhealthy, though, is this ridiculous show I've watched a couple of times now-Dr. 90210. First off, I think the whole surgery thing is just gross. But I ended up catching it flipping through the channels, and what I do find interesting is how they inject so much of the personal stories. Which is why I've watched.

Anyway... going to the whole appearance thing. I can now honestly say that I will probably never have plastic surgery. Well, I never wanted to anyway, but really... seeing what they do to you... ICK! What really got me though, were these girls wanting implants and nose jobs. They were FINE as they were. Honestly, I'd kill to have what they started with. Well, not totally. That Man likes what I have. ;) But seriously. Here are these women who have absolutely nothing wrong with them and they're not satisfied with having bodies that a lot of other women would love to have.

I wonder why that is-why aren't we satisfied with the amazing beauty God created us to have? We want to be bigger, thinner, straigher-whatever. Am I the only one who thinks it's odd that people think it's cool to inject botulism into their skin?

I wanted to cry for the girls on that show-who felt they couldn't have self confidence with an extra layer of fat or gasp! a C cup. Especially because I thought they were beautiful as they were.

And yes I realize that I'm somewhat of a hypocrite, considering I tend to be down on myself about my looks. But I guess I can justify myself because I'm not trying to do something dramatic to change them. Maybe I don't have that same level of self consciousness because I've got a guy who thinks I'm a hot babe sleeping next to me at night. I'm not out walking the meat markets on the weekends, hoping that some guy will notice my assets. But if I may be so bold to suggest to all the single women out there-if those are the only assets the guy is looking at, I'm not so sure he's the guy for you.

Is it election time yet?

Can I give a little advice to would-be representatives of my family? STOP CALLING ME. And STOP SENDING ME YOUR JUNK MAIL. I'm NOT voting for you. I have a new way of deciding who gets my vote: the person who wastes the least amount of money trying to get me to vote for them. Seriously.

If a candidate is going to spend millions of dollars for an attack ad that uses misleading information, daily phone calls to my house, and to send me the same brochure daily, can I really trust this person with my vote? They're already proving their fiscal irresponsibility with campaign funds, why on earth would I trust them with my hard-earned dollars?

There's this one candidate, who I won't name because I REFUSE to give this person any more name recognition, who supposedly "cares about the environment". I get TWO full color pamphlets several times a week from this person in the mail. "Vote for me, I care about the environment." Really? And you're filling landfills with all this excess paper that I do not and will not read as part of that affection for our planet? Give me a break.

Actually, the one I really love is the lady who has stopped by my house twice now. "Hi, I'm your neighbor. I've lived in your neighborhood for over twenty years and I'd sure appreciate your vote." Really? And in the seven years we've lived in this house, you've stopped to talk to us how many times? Oh, just the ones where you were begging for my vote? I don't think so. She sends me a lot of mail too. I saw her ad on TV. I am still unimpressed. My suggestion: if you're going to come ring my doorbell during naptime, at least bring cookies or something. You won't get my vote, but I'll at least be polite when I slam my door in your face. And maybe, if you spend the next few years actually involved in my community and stop by for something other than trying to gladhand your way to my vote, I MIGHT consider voting for you next year.

I'm telling you, this politics stuff is insane. I'd really love to go back to the dark ages about now.

Kicked in the butt

Well, there I was, procrastinating on writing, and I flipped on the TV to pass the time, and wouldn't you know, Joyce Meyer was on. And she said, "Choice means doing the right thing even when you don't feel like it." Crap. She then spent thirty minutes spanking me over every single thing I've been whining about for the past few weeks. Double crap.

And so, I pulled open Word, and yes, I began to write. Kill me now, because I decided to write down what I had on the NaNo book. And then, because I truly am in need of a lobotomy, I asked Heather what she thought of the idea. Her response: "It's cool, but depending on how it's written, it may be a tough sell to CBA." I mentioned this is supposed to be an inspirational, right?

However, because Joyce Meyer kicked me in the butt (over this and several other lovely issues), I worked on it. I wrote four pages. Not that I am committing to NaNo, mind you, but I'll at least get the idea on paper.

And because Joyce Meyer kicked me in the butt, I'm going to bed now. The funny thing about being convicted about stuff... you actually have to do something about it. So I'm getting up early tomorrow and dealing with it. ICK. Being kicked in the butt is a pain.

To NaNo or Not to NaNo...

I have a couple more weeks to decide if I'm going to do the NaNoWriMo again this year. Last year, I did it and won the challenge. However, I'm undecided this year. I had a hard enough time getting there last year. This year, not only am I dealing with those horrible self doubt/fear demons, but my life has exploded. There's the insane two year old terrorizing my house, the class I'm teaching, the fact that I can't seem to get my act together, and all the "normal" stuff I've always done with my life. And frankly, I'm having such doubts about my writing right now that in the past few writing sessions I've attempted, I've written a sum total of one page.

I'm also frustrated because one of my CPs has said in one of our recent critique session that my writing is the best she's ever seen it. HOWEVER, her past few critiques have been much tougher on me than she's ever been. So I don't know what to make of it. Does that mean I totally sucked before and now I'm mediocre? Or am I actually a decent writer and she's giving me that push I need to get over the unpubbed hump?

Plus, and perhaps you will REALLY think I'm nuts now, I'm debating about entering the Golden Heart. Which means I have to get prepped and ready NOW, because it's due November 15. But I don't even know which book I'd enter, or which category. I was sort of thinking I'd put the inspy in and see what happens, but *GAG* that's a lot of money for no feedback.

And YES, I know I need to join ACFW, and I can assure that once my finances are back on track, I will do so. And really, that's my big Golden Heart dilemma. With money as tight as it is right now, is it really worth my money?

Are you all getting the picture that I seriously think I'm losing my mind? Which reminds me, the book I'd be writing for NaNo-it's a freaking TEEN book. Or at least that's how it plays out in my mind. Which means I am yet again, straddling genres. But hey, this one WOULD be an inspirational.

How much is that lobotomy in the window?

Making my brain explode

Well, today was the first day of Bible study. We're doing the Beth Moore study on The Patriarchs. Ummmm... can we say AWESOME? I am so ready to grab a spoon and dig in.

There are two people in this world who have so impacted my journey that if I ever had the chance to have a long conversation with them, I think my brain would completely explode. If my heart didn't explode first. Now the first one, you know, because I yak about him all the time. That person, of course, is Todd Agnew. And I think I should remind you all, just in case you didn't get my other not so subtle reminders, that his new album is OUT and you should buy it, if you haven't done so already.

The other-aka the topic of tonight's blog-is Beth Moore. We all know how she twisted my universe apart with the past two Bible studies of hers. So here we are on a new one. And of course, here we are, on the first day, and I now know God's new little project on my life.

Before I tell you, I think I should give some background. Last night, there was this freaky noise outside our house. Think space invaders, and remember that I've been reading a bunch of freaky apocalyptic crap, watching Jericho, and the last two memorable books I read are Ted Dekker's The Martyr's song (well, the whole series, actually) and Sue Grant's upcoming release (she writes funky outer space books). So I freaked, grabbed my dog, and woke up That Man. I made HIM listen to the noise, and then, when he couldn't figure out what it was, he went off in search of the source. After I made sure my children hadn't been abducted by aliens, I hid in the bedroom with the dog, praying. I wish I were kidding.

I started thinking about what Ted Dekker said in a talk I saw him give about light dispelling darkness. Now why that led me to hiding in the dark with my dog, I'm not sure. But then I started thinking about the Martyr books and Jericho. The one question I took from the Martyr books was what I was willing to do for God. A while back (I think I blogged about it), God and I had a little chat. And He asked me that question, sort of. Would you be willing to go to Hell for me? If believing in me meant that you weren't saved, would you still believe? (And no, I don't believe this is what happens to believers, but God was doing a little motivation check on me. Do I seek the reward or do I seek Him?) And you know what? The Dekker books freaked me out because I realized that in the struggles in each of those books, the characters did have their moments in hell.

I keep saying I want to live out authentic faith, I want to dive in fully. But as I look at being shoved out of my comfort zone, and not getting the earthly rewards I think I deserve, and being mad at God because I am stuck in this freaking valley, I've had to realize that maybe I'm not so willing to go to hell for God. I'm not even willing to give up my sucky comfort zone.

But going back to the weird noise. I honestly had thoughts of nuclear war, alien invasion, or gasp! the apocalypse. I was tempted to call That Man and beg him to come back before something awful happened to him. And I started to think, okay, this is not the right response. I remembered the strength of the people in the books and just started to pray. I kept saying over and over, "I fear no evil. If God is with me, nothing can harm me." And on one hand, I was kind of excited, like, am I going to meet HIM? But on the other hand, I was scared, because what if, after all the dust settled, I was still here-what then? What scary thing would I have to face?

Well, That Man came home, safe and sound, and we never did figure out what that noise was. But since we woke up, safe and sound, no signs of anything freaky happening in the universe, we can all breathe easy knowing that yes, I am a chicken little, but my husband loves me anyway. And then I went to the Bible study.

God decided to use Beth to kick me in the butt. Sort of how God likes to use Todd. Here's a direct quote from Beth's study: "Those God uses greatly seem to battle fear. Therefore, we may battle fear but we must not let it win." She then pointed out many places where God says, "do not fear." Yeah, it's okay, you can all say it. I'm going to have to do a Word study on fear. Beth talked a lot about the stronghold of fear, and well, I'm going to have to cop to this one.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm so freaking full of fear, it's not even funny. It's sick. Is there medication for that?

What am I so afraid of? Everything. Anything. Mostly, I'm scared that I'm going to go out there, give it my all, and it's still not going to be good enough. That somehow, I'm going to disappoint Him and everyone else who seem to think I'm going to do all these great things. And yes, I know that it's completely irrational. And as Beth pointed out, God isn't up there weighing my good against my bad. He's looking to count all the times I believe Him so He can credit it as righteousness. My bad stuff-He's forgiven that. I know this.

But you know, if you really want to dig deeper at this fear stronghold, and you know it has to go deeper, look at the scenario from last night. I was so freaked out over a stupid noise and what I'd have to do and oh my, what would I do if was something really bad, and wah freaking wah... the root of my fear is me. I'm not relying on Him. I'm not taking my strength from Him. No, as much as I say it's about Him, it is still all about me. I'm afraid of ME not being enough. I don't question Him.

But you know, He says I'm enough. So maybe I'm not believing Him enough.

Are you confusicated yet?

Lobotomy, anyone?

Eating Dinosaur

Happy birthday to my little angel!

And because I'm such a good mommy, I decided to celebrate by taking her to her favorite restaurant: Red Lobster. You'd think a six year old would want Chuck E Cheese or some lame kid's place. Nope. She's a regular little epicurean who demanded lobster for her birthday. It's going to take an act of God to get HER married off.

So there we were, enjoying a lovely meal, and I had to laugh, because my kids are total freaks when it comes to food. The baby-happily chowing on salad. And yes, I do mean the lettuce part, too. The birthday girl-passing up everything but the lobster. I was telling her teacher tonight, she has even lectured me for offering her "unhealthy" snacks. I'm telling you, my kids are weird.

I was happily eating my shrimp scampi when the two year old noticed. She demanded and ate the rest of it. So I moved on to my crab legs. Birthday girl is still chomping on lobster, which is good, because she can eat her weight in crab legs. And no, I'm not kidding. Unless I have lobster to occupy her, if we have crab, I end up not getting any because she and her sister eat it all. I pull off a leg, and the baby starts screaming, "dinosaur!"

Personally, I was thankful we'd chosen to eat early and avoid the dinner rush. That whole dining with maniacal toddler thing gets difficult otherwise. I'm trying to crack my crab and get the baby to just shut up so I can enjoy at least one bite of my dinner. That Man is happily eating his steak and shrimp. Teenage child is trying not to acknowledge she's with our loony bunch. Finally, the little terrorist grabs the crab leg out of my hand and starts playing with the claw, gleefully shouting, "Dinosaur!" I tried to explain it was crab, however, she wouldn't accept that it was anything other than dinosaur. The helpful waiter mentioned that crabs probably were around during the time of dinosaurs, so she was technically correct. Lovely.

And then the birthday girl finished her lobster and moved on to the crab. I made up a new rule: Once you turn six, you have to crack your own crab. Maybe then, I'd get a shot at it. Eventually, this led to having to contain the baby, who also wanted to crack her own crab. We don't need to go into the mess she made. But hey, at least it wasn't in my kitchen and I tip well enough to make up for the inconvenience.

My advice: if you teach your children to eat what you eat, don't take them out for seafood until well after puberty. Do the seafood thing on kid-free nights. Otherwise, you may very well find yourself eating dinosaur.

VERONICA!!!

I really don't need to say anything else, do I?

Yes, I watched it tonight.

No, I didn't see the first episode. But I still hold on to faith that I will eventually see it. Veronica rules! And I am sooooooo happy that she and Logan are still together.

Not much else to say-spent most of the day with a sick baby, who gained her second wind at about 8 pm and spent the rest of the evening trying to corral her. Okay, so really, I let her destroy my houe while I watched my beloved Veronica. But hey, we all have our priorities, right?

In other Veronica news, because tonight, it is all about Veronica, baby, That Man has finally redeemed himself. As you may all recall, Veronica season two came out on DVD for my birthday, and he did not get it for me. (Insert long, exaggerated, melodramatic sigh). But this morning, I woke to find the season two DVD set with a sweet little love note waiting for me.

Speaking of birthdays, one of my angels turns six tomorrow. Actually, if you want to get technical, she'll be six in 35 minutes. YIKES! Not to be like my mom or anything, but at this time six years ago, I was in "the position" getting ready to push. Fortunately, it was over soon enough and I was holding my precious girl.

Oh, and I'd better say "Happy Birthday" to Heather, which is technically over, but since I didn't send her a card or anything, I'd better at least give her a shout out on my blog.

Jericho

I had no intention of watching a new show this season. I have enough shows, TYVM. However, there was nothing on tonight and I needed the background noise while I did corrections on this new book. So, thanks to On Demand, I watched all three episodes of Jericho.

At first, it sorta freaked me out, that they hit all the major US cities (thus far), and here I am in one of the ones that got hit. Realistically, given my proximity to Norad/Cheyenne Mountain/Air Force Academy, and a number of other strategic areas, you know we're on the "hit list". Take out the Denver area, and you've pretty much shot down the US strategic defense system. Yay me.

When I was a kid, my friend and I were obsessed with the whole nuclear war thing. We even built a fallout shelter (that would not have saved us-we were nine). We knew all the signs to look for in case of nuclear war. And now, given that we have a bunch of raving psychopaths who hate the US running around with nukes, we have more to fear than ever.

But in that initial moment of fear, I realized something. I'm not afraid. Not really. God can take me any time He chooses. Whether it be by nuclear war, or some random drive by shooting, I'm going to be toast eventually. As much as I want to protect my kids, I can't protect them from everything. Only God can. And you know, as much as I am a total control freak, there's something very comforting in knowing that even if the psychos are able to get and use the nukes, God's still got his hand on me. And no matter what evil comes our way, God will use it for good.

I'll probably keep watching the show at my leisure. On Demand is so freaking awesome. However, I am incredibly irritated that my beloved Veronica is not on there. I STILL have not found it. I'm begging you all-please! I need my Veronica fix!!!

The horrors of raising girls

Because I haven't shared one of these lately, here's another installment of funny, but gross moments of my life. AKA birth control for the childless.

In our house, we have an open door bathroom policy. Mostly because I read somewhere that it helps to potty train by modelling good potty behavior. Well, in reality, I have children who don't believe in privacy. But hey, the previous reason sounded like I was trying to be a good parent, right? So a couple days ago, the little terrorist caught mommy in the process of changing a tampon. Several hours later, I found her trying to figure out how to stick a plastic animal in her own "part". I know it is natural curiosity, ie: "it's a hole, let's see what fits in it, especially since I saw mom doing it", but I semi freaked. We had a long talk about how it's a precious part of our body that God gave us and we don't ever put anything in it.

So tonight, I get home from class, go to do my business, and I realize that my little assistant has followed me to the bathroom. I call for That Man. He tells her to go to bed. She does the defiant thing. I beg him to get rid of her. He laughs and tells her to come see him. She continues the defiant thing. I whine and beg. She finally gets out and I finish up. I put her to bed, and I tell him, "I really needed you to help me out. I didn't want her watching me change my tampon."

His response? He laughs. "I know."

No, you don't know. So I tell him the animal story, which makes him laugh even more. I explain that I can NEVER let her know what I have to do every month, because then she'll think I'm a lying hypocrite after the talk I had with her and she'll never respect me again.

His response? He continues to laugh.

That Man is probably still laughing in his sleep. If our kids end up barefoot, pregnant, and smoking crack at age 9, I'm totally blaming him. And it was HIS idea that we have all girls, and HIS stupid girly sperm that impregnated me with them, so this is ALL on him. He has NO idea the trials of raising girls. The worst you deal with in raising boys is teaching them not to pee on the electric fence (although it's really funny when you convince your idiot friends to try it). But no. I have to figure out ways to potty train AND keep my children from putting a zoo in their potty holes.

I'm going to bed now. May tomorrow be a day filled with peace and no bathroom trauma.

Still no Veronica

Yes, I know, it's a sad, sad fate. Would it be shallow of me to pray for my beloved Veronica Mars?

Somewhat in a mood-tonight's my night with my beloved Sara, and not only did she not call, she didn't return mine. Ergh. I can almost guarantee that what this means is that she's in a funk. We both do this, which is why I think we've been able to stay close friends for so long. When we get in a funk, we disappear until we're better. I just wish we could figure something out so that we could do something for each other-other than understand where the person is at. But maybe that's just as valuable.

And even though I did miss my weekly tea outing, I will say that it was nice to have one day where I didn't have to be rushing somewhere. An evening to sit at home on my butt doing nothing. Well, okay, I did laundry. And worked on chapter two for critique, even though I am so frustrated with feeling like everything I do totally sucks. They've actually torn apart this chapter once, as it was my original chapter one that they hated, but hopefully I did a good enough job of making my hero more sympathetic in the new chapter one (which I did, but now they think my heroine isn't so nice-ARGH) that this rewrite will have them both in a better spot. Why can't I write easy books?

And then, because I truly am an idiot, I started writing a new book today. I thought about the nonfiction stuff I want to write but can't, and in the shower, realized how I could pull it off in fiction. Dear Lord, you are not funny, even though You are hysterically laughing at my new predicament. Did I mention that the pages are have so far are utter crap?

Finally, because I am still in the throes of depression over being Veronica-less, and because I have a million things to do and am completely overwhelmed, once I got my work done for the day, I procrastinated on everything important, like grocery shopping and housework, and read a little Ted Dekker. Reading the Martyr's Song series, since people keep hounding me that I need to read him. Since those aren't his scary books, I can handle it. Actually, if you think about it, they're freaking terrifying, but let's remember that I try to think as little as possible.

OH, but one more piece of most excellent news: My beloved SQUIRLY sold to Steeple Hill!!! I've been keeping that secret for oh, almost a week now, and it's been KILLING me. About a year ago, I judged one of her books in a contest, and I was heartbroken that it didn't final, because I loved it. And then, I did get to give her "the call" about winning another contest. But we have more history than that. She was my roomie a couple years ago in Reno, and we had a ball. We were pregnant with our last children together. And so I am more than extremely pleased to see this happen for her. Make sure you buy her book when it comes out, otherwise, I might have to come after you and hurt you.

The only thing keeping me from jumping off a cliff...

Is that my beloved Todd's new CD is out.

What? You don't have it?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

I was going to preorder it, but alas, I forgot. I was going to do the Mervyn's commercial "Open, open, open," at my local Mardel, but we overslept due to baby being up until 4 am. So I got there around 1. And can you believe that they didn't have it out yet and I had to inform the clerk that Todd has a new CD out TODAY? Some people! However, the lady was very nice, I got the CD, and am now blissfully listening to Todd (and friends) tell the Christmas story in a new, amazing way.

You seriously need to get it. My IM name, in case you're wondering, says that if you don't have the CD, I don't want to talk to you. I made Heather talk to the hand earlier today. ;) People, get on the bandwagon.

So since I am in bliss, you'd think today was the perfect day. HA! Of all the stupid, moronic things I've done, this one is the worst.

I forgot to tape the season premiere of Veronica Mars. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I was going to stay home tonight and watch it. But no. Stupid guy at church went to freaking Europe and needed someone to take his turn in the nursery, and I, trying to be nice, said yes. And forgot to set my timer.

The worst part is, unlike last year, with UPN, the CW is NOT rerunning it Sunday nights. The mutant freaks. So, I am begging... someone, please, save me. If you were smart enough to tape it, or know of a time when it will be aired again, please share. I will love you forever.

Seriously. I have two loves in life: Veronica Mars and Todd Agnew's music. Simple, really. I'm a simple kind of girl. (And yes, I am not serious here. Geez, I can see my dad reading this, going, uh, who is this beloved Todd guy. Dad, it's okay. It's a joke. My husband thinks it's hillarious, and I'm fairly certain he first referred to Todd as "my beloved Todd.")

And not a drop to drink...

Cold status report-feeling like crap... still. And I can't sleep... again. So I thought, I should take some Nyquil. We only have the daytime kind. And then I thought, because I'm so fabulously brilliant, I'll have a nice little drinkie-poo. Again, wrong answer. That Man, evil creation that he is, drank it all. Okay, so I bought a four pack of wine coolers six months ago. But come ON! Doesn't he know I keep those for emergencies? Yeah, I know, four in six months isn't so bad.

But I need to sleep!!!

Great. Baby is crying again. It's gonna be a long long night.

What wisdom can I share tonight?

Absolutely none.

It's so weird, this peak/valley deal. I blogged my depressing thing late Friday night, and then last night, God and I had an amazing breakthrough. Sweet, right? Of course I'm still sick, so I'm not back to 100%, but I was feeling pretty good about some things. And then, WHAM! I am reminded of just how broken I truly am. How far I am from the goal.

The good thing about this quest of whatever it is, is that as I work through it, God is still there, and still faithful.

So, I got another "you're a big dummy" smack upside the head.

As much as I think I have things figured out, I realize just as quickly how little I know. Who am I to question God?

It's so crazy, tonight, we split up to pray for each other in small groups. And even though the three of us who prayed together are so vastly different, it amazed me to see how we have some struggles in common. Even more interesting, is that one of them shared a story about how she felt she was in Potiphar's household. That they were living in this terrible place that was against everything they believe in, but knew it was the place God needed them to be. As she spoke about her frustration over the situation, I remembered the end of the story, reminding her of the verse I've clung to for so many years: Genesis 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

Had it not been for Joseph's time in Potiphar's household, he would not have been in a position to save them from the famine. Had it not been for the injustices he'd lived through, he would have never been able to help his family.

As we talked, another verse came to mind-I had my daughter memorize Philippians 4:13-but it's the verses that come before that I had in my heart as we all talked.
"11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

The prayer I prayed was to learn how to be content in all circumstances. I don't know how to do that. But with God's help, I can learn. I don't know how long this place will last, or if I'll ever leave this valley for more than a few brief glimpses at the peak. Perhaps that is the sacrifice I must make. I read Acts and I wonder, why aren't we as Christians like that? Why aren't we followers of the Way, as opposed to members of the Jesus Christ social club? But how many of us are willing to live in the valley, as Paul and the other early disciples did?

Am I wise, or just stupid? I don't know. But as I poured out my heart today in yet another selfish rambling about how badly my life sucks, I realized that I don't have the right to be bitter. And I still have a whole lot of growing to do.