Okay, so this is yet another freaky moment where God positions Himself and everything else perfectly in my life at once.
The good thing that came out of the disappointment I faced this week is that it made me take a long look at the things that are important to me. I've been living my life for a long time trying to please people who made it clear this week that I will never be able to please them. I have wasted years of my life running in circles trying to do the impossible. Pretty stupid, eh?
The one decision that I've been coming to, and really it started before this, is that there are some changes I have to make in my life.
One of the big ones was that I needed to exercise more. I've known it for a long time, but I finally committed to just doing it already. I am so dang sore, it's not even funny. Honestly, I hurt to the point where I have hurt in the past and quit. I AM NOT QUITTING.
Then there was my lovely Joyce Meyer Godsmack that led me to forcing myself to get up early every morning and either pray or work on Bible study. Which I have been doing, although I could not get up early this morning, due to a super cool dream I had about God (remind me to tell it, it's cool).
And then I got an email from a crit group I belong to, but have been woefully behind in my participation. Anyway, one of the gals said something to another gal(and I didn't get her permission to quote, so I'm paraphrasing) that really hit me. In all my writing angst, I keep beating myself up for not being good enough. The funny thing she pointed out-none of the bestsellers out there, when interviewed, say, "I sold my first book because I'm such a great writer." No, they all say it's their persistence. So all my "I suck, I suck, I suck" garbage? Meaningless.
Which led me to packing up The Mistress and heading to Starbucks for a good writing session. I FINALLY finished the new beginning, and am plunging headlong into edits. I've come to a couple realizations: One, I have so many "taboo words" that I need to get rid of. Oh, my precious crap. Two, I really love this story. I am also going to *gasp* NaNo again this year. Add me as a friend (DanicaDream) and kick me in the butt, because I need it. Of course, I have no idea which story I'll be writing. I'm kinda liking this one dude in my current book. Can I pull off two marriages in jeopardy in a row? Or do I kill off the wife and find him a real woman? This would totally be a Hosea story if I don't kill her off.
As I was on my way out of Starbucks, God tapped me on the shoulder. Believe it or not, He didn't smack me. I'm so impressed with myself. Maybe I'm learning. He told me that it was about time that I stopped believing the lies that controlled me and started believing the truth. The truth is, I have some amazing people in my life that I don't appreciate nearly enough. If you're reading this blog and not some random stranger or my friends at Homeland Security, you're one of them. I think back to some of the encouraging words shared with me, and how I blew them off. As Heather and I often joke, I give a lot of STFU "Thank yous". You know, "I'm being nice, but I really don't believe you and would prefer if you shut up." Which is pretty much my response to anything nice or any compliment people give me.
Why? Because I've been fed lies from day one. Those lies clash with the truths that others are trying to convey in my life. But because the lies are so ingrained in me, I've chosen to accept that which "proves" the lie, and I reject the truth. As I unlocked my car, God asked me if I was ready to let go of the lies. In a flash of an instant, I saw how all the lies I'd been fed have controlled me. How I've been held back, thinking I'm getting ahead by running through the hoops created by the lies so that I can achieve all the things that the lies tell me I have to do. And then I saw the truths that I've been rejecting, the kind words that I have shoved aside because of the lies.
God gave me a choice. So I made the choice to believe the truth.
I got in the car, and what was on the radio, but Nancy Leigh DeMoss on Family Life Today talking about Lies Women Believe . Consider me God-smacked. Usually, I like the program, but I am okay with turning it off when I get home. Tonight, I ran inside, threw The Mistress at That Man, asked him to plug in and boot up (battery was low), went potty, logged in and listened. I listened to the whole thing and ate it up.
The other cool thing is that I'd actually intended to stay in Starbucks, writing until either my battery died or I was kicked out. But I kept getting this feeling that I needed to go home. Um, yes, I did. So God could get my attention in the parking lot and then hit it home with the radio show.
I also know that this is not an easy, one-time choice. One thing about doing yoga is that at first, it seems hard because a lot of the positions feel unnatural. As you work to get your body in proper alignment, it hurts, because your body is so used to being unnatural that it fights it. It's only after you re-train your muscles to act in their normal, healthy functioning state that the harder poses are possible. Once you get it down, things like your posture automatically improve because healthy starts to become natural. Unhealthy thoughts and unhealthy belief have been such a part of me for so long that I am going to have to constantly force myself to choose, until choosing the truth is as natural for me as breathing. It's a long, hard process. But I also know that I am not alone, and because truth is on my side, with God's help, I can do this.
I wanted to share this because I know that some of you face some of the same struggles I do. I want you to know that those lies are not worthy of you. You are worth the truth. God is good, and He loves you. He wants you to take control of whatever lies you're believing and renounce them in favor of the truth. Maybe it's the "I'm not good enough" lie, which is the one I battle. Maybe it's the whole "societal body image" lie. Maybe it's the "God doesn't love me" lie. And maybe it's a whole other set of lies. Stop believing them. It won't happen all at once, but with consistent choice, we can all do it.