Dropdown menu

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Keeping the Commandments

Well, you know what they say about pride going before a fall. Just this afternoon I was so proud of myself for all the progress I'd made. Well... I had a real suckarific evening.

The good news is that Sara was with me when I got the horrific phone call, so when I bawled my eyes out in the middle of Wild Oats, I at least wasn't alone. I've pretty much spent the past five hours crying. I don't want to go into details, since basically what happened was that a family member hurt me, and I really don't believe in trashing people, especially in a public forum. Honestly it's a struggle that's been going on for a really long time, and I don't know... I can't explain it without going into detail, so I won't.

What's my point, besides the fact that there's a number of commandments that it's taking every ounce of strength I have to not break. I mean really, what's wrong with a little homicide now and then? Great. Now this person is going to be murdered tonight, and I'll be at the top of the suspect list. So be it. Lock me up, and let's all pray I don't get a girlfriend named Spike.

But back to my point. The above was supposed to be funny, but not sure I accomplished that task. I am so depressed right now. I was telling Heather that I feel so empty right now. And she did the "oh so not helpful when I'm in depressed mode" thing and said, "Yes but that's more room for God to fill you." I have absolutely no problem with that, except that while I intellectually know that, my heart still hurts, and frankly, I don't feel God anywhere in me.

Yeah, I know, sucks to be me. I just need to get over myself and accept God already, except that I thought I did, so I don't know what my problem is. But then I remembered a conversation I had with Rae shortly before my conversation with Heather. She was talking about how she'd talked to this person about her lack of faith and that she needed to think about the Footprints poem. I started thinking about the footprints poem with the situation tonight. During the hardest times, the person only saw one set of footprints and was angry because he'd thought that was when God had abandoned him, except what it really was, was God carrying Him. I think about how angry and hurt I am, and honestly, I am mad at God. How could He let this happen to me? How could He have put me in this position, that most of it, I had absolutely no choice over?

I hear His answer, just as the person in the Footprints poem heard it... Because He loves me. The truth is, as much as I lament this horrible place I'm in, it could be worse. And truly, without God here in my life, having protected me from the worst of what could have been, I would not nearly be as happy as I am. I would not nearly have as many of the blessings. No I didn't have a choice, except one. I chose Him. Just as He chose me. And regardless of these things that threaten to destroy me, He is there. He has saved me from far more than the nightmare of what could have been instead.

So while the temptation to just say, "Screw it," and blow something, or someone, up is probably stronger than it's ever been, the strength to say, "I choose to love anyway," is also stronger than ever. Abraham was justified by his faith. He chose to believe God and it was credited to Him as righteousness. Tonight, I am choosing to believe God and to trust that He has this in hand. And I pray that tomorrow, He will give me the strength to do the same.

In keeping the commandments, there is a danger, of course. The rich young man had kept them all since he was a boy. But he still could not let go of the one thing holding him back from true intimacy with Christ. The greatest commandment, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind, is one I know I don't always keep as I should. My mind gets full of a lot of other things, like this hurt I'm dealing with. But the second-to love my neighbor as myself-that, too, is a struggle when it comes right down to it. This person who hurt me, I'm so filled with hurt that I can't see how to love. I have to ask myself, how would I want to be loved by this person so that I know how to respond.

Which leads me to the realization that as empty as I feel, I'm pretty full of a lot of junk.


Anonymous said...

"The Lord is near to all who call on Him; to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them." Ps 145:18-19

Dear Lord, I pray that today Danica knows that You are there with her in this bad time. She has choosen to beleive, even when it isn't the easy choice. I pray that you give her the strength today to believe You again. Beleive your love for her, your grace for her. Lord, please be so real to Danica today that she knows with every bit of her heart and soul and emotions that You are her Father who loves her, calms her and gives her peace from the hurts in her life. May your grace fall on her like rain. Amen.

Jana said...

Can't say much more than what's already been said (that was a beautiful prayer, whoever left it) other than to say that I'll be praying for you as well as whoever hurt you.


Anonymous said...

Meant to say this earlier...Our God is a God who loves the junk. Seriously. You're doing Patriarchs, you know there is a lot of junk in the lives of people God used so mightily. It is precisely that junk that allows God to work and heal and restore, all for His glory to shine in your life.
Praying for His grace foryou today.

Tess Harrison said...

Danica, I'm just going to give you (((Hugs))). And say I'm so sorry you were hurt,hon. Things will get better. Take care!

Nell Dixon said...

(((Hugs))) Give your hurt to God and let him fill you with his peace. My thoughts and prayers are with you that you might feel his grace.

Suzanne said...

I'm so sorry, Danica. I know how it feels to be hurt by family, too. It is just about the worst kind of hurt because we think they are Supposed to love us. Maybe they don't always know how. I don't know. I feel your pain. Your determination to be kind in response is inspiring. Remember that your friends love you. Thank God we get to CHOOSE our friends!

Camy Tang said...

Hugs, Dreamy. You're stronger than you feel.

Danica/Dream said...

Hey guys, thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Hubby's been out of town, so I'm trying to keep up with life, and blog's been neglected. :(

Feeling better now, though.