Making my brain explode

Well, today was the first day of Bible study. We're doing the Beth Moore study on The Patriarchs. Ummmm... can we say AWESOME? I am so ready to grab a spoon and dig in.

There are two people in this world who have so impacted my journey that if I ever had the chance to have a long conversation with them, I think my brain would completely explode. If my heart didn't explode first. Now the first one, you know, because I yak about him all the time. That person, of course, is Todd Agnew. And I think I should remind you all, just in case you didn't get my other not so subtle reminders, that his new album is OUT and you should buy it, if you haven't done so already.

The other-aka the topic of tonight's blog-is Beth Moore. We all know how she twisted my universe apart with the past two Bible studies of hers. So here we are on a new one. And of course, here we are, on the first day, and I now know God's new little project on my life.

Before I tell you, I think I should give some background. Last night, there was this freaky noise outside our house. Think space invaders, and remember that I've been reading a bunch of freaky apocalyptic crap, watching Jericho, and the last two memorable books I read are Ted Dekker's The Martyr's song (well, the whole series, actually) and Sue Grant's upcoming release (she writes funky outer space books). So I freaked, grabbed my dog, and woke up That Man. I made HIM listen to the noise, and then, when he couldn't figure out what it was, he went off in search of the source. After I made sure my children hadn't been abducted by aliens, I hid in the bedroom with the dog, praying. I wish I were kidding.

I started thinking about what Ted Dekker said in a talk I saw him give about light dispelling darkness. Now why that led me to hiding in the dark with my dog, I'm not sure. But then I started thinking about the Martyr books and Jericho. The one question I took from the Martyr books was what I was willing to do for God. A while back (I think I blogged about it), God and I had a little chat. And He asked me that question, sort of. Would you be willing to go to Hell for me? If believing in me meant that you weren't saved, would you still believe? (And no, I don't believe this is what happens to believers, but God was doing a little motivation check on me. Do I seek the reward or do I seek Him?) And you know what? The Dekker books freaked me out because I realized that in the struggles in each of those books, the characters did have their moments in hell.

I keep saying I want to live out authentic faith, I want to dive in fully. But as I look at being shoved out of my comfort zone, and not getting the earthly rewards I think I deserve, and being mad at God because I am stuck in this freaking valley, I've had to realize that maybe I'm not so willing to go to hell for God. I'm not even willing to give up my sucky comfort zone.

But going back to the weird noise. I honestly had thoughts of nuclear war, alien invasion, or gasp! the apocalypse. I was tempted to call That Man and beg him to come back before something awful happened to him. And I started to think, okay, this is not the right response. I remembered the strength of the people in the books and just started to pray. I kept saying over and over, "I fear no evil. If God is with me, nothing can harm me." And on one hand, I was kind of excited, like, am I going to meet HIM? But on the other hand, I was scared, because what if, after all the dust settled, I was still here-what then? What scary thing would I have to face?

Well, That Man came home, safe and sound, and we never did figure out what that noise was. But since we woke up, safe and sound, no signs of anything freaky happening in the universe, we can all breathe easy knowing that yes, I am a chicken little, but my husband loves me anyway. And then I went to the Bible study.

God decided to use Beth to kick me in the butt. Sort of how God likes to use Todd. Here's a direct quote from Beth's study: "Those God uses greatly seem to battle fear. Therefore, we may battle fear but we must not let it win." She then pointed out many places where God says, "do not fear." Yeah, it's okay, you can all say it. I'm going to have to do a Word study on fear. Beth talked a lot about the stronghold of fear, and well, I'm going to have to cop to this one.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm so freaking full of fear, it's not even funny. It's sick. Is there medication for that?

What am I so afraid of? Everything. Anything. Mostly, I'm scared that I'm going to go out there, give it my all, and it's still not going to be good enough. That somehow, I'm going to disappoint Him and everyone else who seem to think I'm going to do all these great things. And yes, I know that it's completely irrational. And as Beth pointed out, God isn't up there weighing my good against my bad. He's looking to count all the times I believe Him so He can credit it as righteousness. My bad stuff-He's forgiven that. I know this.

But you know, if you really want to dig deeper at this fear stronghold, and you know it has to go deeper, look at the scenario from last night. I was so freaked out over a stupid noise and what I'd have to do and oh my, what would I do if was something really bad, and wah freaking wah... the root of my fear is me. I'm not relying on Him. I'm not taking my strength from Him. No, as much as I say it's about Him, it is still all about me. I'm afraid of ME not being enough. I don't question Him.

But you know, He says I'm enough. So maybe I'm not believing Him enough.

Are you confusicated yet?

Lobotomy, anyone?